Facts: Events of 2004 included the baffling re-election of a human-shaped chimpanzee, Facebook being unleashed upon us all, and Massachusetts legalizing gay marriage, which reignited a simmering controversy. Another relevant controversy was brewing pertaining to The Day After Tomorrow: "Is it junk science or is it plausible, is it watchable or is it putrid, and do wolves really have opposable thumbs?" Starring Dennis "What Was This Guy in Again?" Quaid, Jake "I Wish I Could Quit You" Gyllenhaal, Sela "Fugitive Lover" Ward, and some up-and-coming no-names who would rather forget they were in this movie. (We, however, will not let them forget.)
Plot summary: Once again, science drives a wedge in the middle of an ideal American family. Absent father Jack (Quaid), a ruggedly-handsome climatologist, is screwing around on the Antarctic ice shelf when suddenly the ice breaks up, in a portent of things to come. Son Sam (Gyllenhaal) is busy wallowing in teenage cliches of awkwardness and insecurity on a school trip to New York City. His career-minded mom Lucy (Ward) is occupied with fawning over the world's most contrived subplot (more on this later). After returning home from his stint in Antarctica, Jack begins to receive disturbing messages from a rouge scientific outpost in Scotland, which, surprisingly, confirms his doomsday scenario for the end of the earth (think ice, mmkay?). After a series of outrageous weather phenomena (hail stones the size of personal watermelons attack Hong Kong and several cyclones ransack perennial disaster hotspot Los Angeles), our consistently disbelieving public servants begin to take Jack seriously. But perhaps it's too late. Insert computer model mumbo-jumbo, climatological buzzwords, etc. Stir vigorously, and you'll end up with one climate-altering meso-cyclone. As the world's slowly being turned into a popsicle with human corpse sprinkles, Jack realizes his son is trapped in New York, as it turns out being menaced by wolves and engaging in a little good old-fashioned book burning. Father of the Year strikes out across the snow, with several of his canon fodder minions in tow, determined to find his boy and win back the heart of his ex-wife to boot. We both sort of fell asleep at this point, but by the time we awoke, Jack had managed to slog his way to New York, Lucy was trapped in a freezing hospital with the cancer-ridden subplot #1, and Sam was snuggling his way to every boy's dream come true. A bunch of people die. However, eventually, the characters we're supposed to care about all make it out alive and settle in Mexico, which for some reason has allowed the U.S. Government to come and set up shop outside Tijuana (Coronas for everyone!).
Key moments of interest:
Several scientists minding their own business are nearly swallowed whole by the merciless ice.
If only this awkward kid was as smooth with women as he is with world geography. (Since he looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, we think he'll be okay.)
Dr. Sela checks in on Cancer Patient #1, who is bedridden and can't be moved. We're sure this won't be an issue later...
When the whiskey runs out, some Scottish scientists sober up enough to realize something's terribly wrong on the North Atlantic.
Dr. Mom: "He's your son, too, dammit! Why can't you make more of an effort?"
Professor Father: "Abuh?"
Whee! Off to New York for the National Nerd Association Meeting! (Or something.) Thankfully hottie classmate (who just happens to be brilliant) came along, too.
Aw, Hell, it's hailing in Hong Kong! Chinese cars were not designed for this!
Whoosh! I don't think we're in So Cal anymore.
Scientist Guy gets called in to brief the president. (Where have we seen this before?)
After rebuffing his critics, he lays it out: Another Ice Age is imminent (in, like, a week and a half).
Enormous meso-cyclones (think huge hurricanes) reach into the upper atmosphere and flash freeze everything they encounter, including some helicopters.
The Scots find their secret stash of whiskey, and then they don't mind freezing to death so much. Sniff.
Storm surge floods NYC, and Sam takes refuge in an enormous library.
Jack strikes out across the barren wasteland to find his son. He loses a few friends along the way.
A bunch of red shirts try to leave the library, and predictably freeze to death. If only they had listened to the teenage son of a climatologist!
Dr. Morality refuses to leave the hospital until an ambulance can ferret away Cancer Boy at the last possible second.
"I'm diabetic! I need insulin! Where could we find some in this frozen wasteland?"
Sam: "Well, maybe we can find some on that presumably deserted ship."
I doubt they'll run into pirates or zombies or...wolves.
OMG! Wolves on the ship! (Not to be confused with snakes on a plane.)
They're easily outwitted, and Diabetic Girl lives to whine another day.
Improbably, Jack locates Sam at the library and they scurry to the top of the building to be rescued by helicopters.
Welcome to the United States of Mexico! Your cabana is down the road on the left, and don't drink the water.
Snarky movie discussion:
(Note: Per Crabs's request, this week's discussion will focus on the movie's impact on the Green Movement.)
ANG: How much of an impact do you think this movie had on Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth? Do you think it's safe to say that the latter would not have existed without the former?
CRABS: I was speaking with Al just the other week at the Masonic Association of Tennessee's annual conference in Mechanicsville, and this very topic came up.
ANG: How fortuitous.
CRABS: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. As I was saying, Al was telling me of a particularly lonely night when he was coming down and the girls were out of town. In his addled stupor, he hitch-hiked to the nearest Blockbuster and rented this movie, thinking it was a documentary on sex worker industry of Thailand. He went on to regale me with the epiphany he had as the credits of this movie were rolling and said, "This movie altered my perception of the world and gave me a path to pursue and a reason to live."
ANG: Strong words for sure. Do you feel as if this movie portrays wolves in an unflattering light?
CRABS: Well, it seems clear, or should seem clear to anyone with half a brain, that the wolves in this film are obvious metaphors for greedy industrialists, and the no-holds-barred pursuit of monetary gain, which has been the bane of the environmental movement since those innocent tree-hugging days of the 60s.
ANG: So this movie isn't really saying anything about wolves at all? The wolves are just a metaphor?
CRABS: Well, clearly, wolves are in fact inherently evil and should be shot from helicopters. Thank you, Sarah Palin.
ANG: In the movie, global warming and global cooling occur simultaneously. Is this just lazy science, or is there something to be gleaned from this?
CRABS: Much like the yin and yang of ancient eastern philosophy, global warming and global cooling are clearly manifestations of the same social synergistic paradigm, namely, in layman's terms, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. In the context of the movie, both warming and cooling are portrayed as evil and yet inter-related. I see in this an obvious reflection of the neo-Freudian assertion that the human psyche, and by extension the universe at large, is but an aggregate of the sum of all experiences and events throughout history and time. And thusly, cannot be extricated from one another, but must inexorably beat on against the waves of time.
For next time: some nincompoops in Hollywood decided to make a movie based on the RPG Dungeons & Dragons. It's as awful as it sounds, and Ang and Crabs are going to tell you about it.
Rating: three sticks in the eye (for laymen). However, for a scientifically-minded audience, nine to fifteen (and a wolf fang).
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Crossroads -- I'm not a girl, not quite an actress.
Facts: Britney Spears is in this movie. That should be all you need to know, but we'd never leave you hanging like that...Late one night in 2001, the oddball collection of degenerates, high school dropouts, and crack addicts at MTV Films, apparently suffering from collective delusions, decided it would be an excellent idea to put Britney Spears in a movie. Society as a whole was never the same again. Starring some people you've never heard of, such as Anson Mount, Zoe "Uhura" Saldana, and Taryn Manning, and, inexplicably, some people you have heard of, namely Dan "Why Am I in this Again?" Aykroyd and Kim "Cougar" Cattrall.
Plot summary: Three inseparable childhood friends make a pact to be BFFs in the backwoods of Georgia. After interring their hopes and dreams (we're not actually making that up, they stick some crap in a wooden box), they inevitably drift apart and end up mired in predictable stereotypes. Lucy (Spears) is the good, obedient girl, Mimi (Manning) is the slutty bad girl, and Kit (Saldana) is the stuck-up prissy girl. There, all of the stereotypes are covered. Defying all social pressures, they make good on their promise to dig up their time capsule on the night of high school graduation. At some point during their grave-digging escapade, Mimi divulges her foolproof plan to strike it rich in California via some sort of open-ended talent competition. Initially, the other girls refuse to go, but reluctantly agree after discovering their own personal, and cliched, motivations -- Kit wants to embark on a transcontinental booty call with her douchebaggy boyfriend, and Lucy is obsessed with finding her long-lost mother (Cattrall). Rounding out this motley crew is Ben (Mount), a presumed felon and murderer who just happens to play one sweet-ass guitar and drive one sweet-ass convertible. After absconding in the middle of the night, the girls embark on a life-changing series of driving and singing montages, self-discovery, and bile-inducing female camaraderie. Eventually this crap parade lands them in Los Angeles, where lo and behold Spears discovers her inner woman (and we re-discover our lunches).
Key moments of interest:
Spears does an impromptu promo for Victoria's Secret.
The human buzzkill that is Dan Aykroyd ruins it.
Britney was abandoned as a young child by her wanderlust mother.
This hasn't kept her from scholastic achievement, however.
Spears and her nerdy lab partner make a list of reasons to have sex.
None of them proves especially convincing, and you can almost see his erection fall when she backs out.
Improbably, the girls meet up in the woods to unearth their time capsule.
Spears: "I brought the shovel!"
Mimi: "I got the flashlight!"
Kit: "I've got my shawl and bitchy attitude!"
A pact is formed: California or bust! But how to get there?
I know: we'll ask this sketchy, convicted felon to drive us!
Ben's sweet-ass convertible breaks down in Louisiana, and they don't have the money to fix it.
What to do? But wait! If only there were a city around where we could find an impromptu karaoke contest for cold, hard cash.
The girls, with Ben in tow, saunter into New Orleans. Girls Gone Wild is nowhere to be seen.
"If we want to win this karaoke contest, we've gotta sex it up!" (Half the movie budget was spent on body glitter for this scene.)
Joan Jett rolls over in her grave (or she would if she was dead) at the first insulting cords of "I Love Rock and Roll."
Creepy perverts in the audience end up forking over thousands to these scantily-clad, barely legal teenagers.
Sir Ben comes to Brit's rescue in the bar. Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.
With the car fixed it's off to Arizona, where Britney's mother is surely going to be very happy to see her.
Brit's mom: "Oh, by the way, I never loved you, and you were a mistake. Now get out of my house." (Didn't see that one coming.)
The gang arrives in LA, and checks into El Roacho Motelo. Kit and Mimi head out to pop in on Kit's douchebaggy boyfriend.
Brit and Ben stay behind and make Jesus cry. (If your dad could see you now.)
Meanwhile, back to La Casa de Douchebaggo, Dylan (Kit's betrothed) is entertaining when the girls arrive.
We learn Prince Charming is not only cheating on Kit, but raped Mimi and is the father of her bastard child.
Oh, the perils of underage drinking!
Let's get emotional and run down these stairs...
Gravity 1, Mimi 0.
Brit's dad shows up at the hospital, where the girls are comforting Mimi, who's had a miscarriage.
Everyone's surprisingly okay with this turn of events and decide to compete in the contest anyway.
Unfortunately, the girls just didn't have what it took to win the contest and went back home to Georgia a little wiser and a lot more mature.
Oh, who are we kidding...
Of course they won! And everyone was touched, blah blah.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: Spears's transformation from a do-no-wrong good girl to an unpredictable bad girl is quite dramatic. Do you think this parallels her eventually mental breakdown?
ANG: Oh, absolutely. That's part of how this movie is so poignant, and why I bought it for you as a birthday gift. Just as Britney's Lucy finds her own way through the world without the influence of her father, our real life Brit must travel life's road alone, and encounter many pitfalls along the way. I'm not sure if the real-life Britney actually lost her virginity to a convicted felon in a cheap motel room, but otherwise, the parallels are clear.
CRABS: In its most relevant form, this movie is a tale of children discovering themselves through personal and social tribulations. As such, do you think this movie offers a valid paradigm for new parents coaxing their daughters into maturity?
ANG: Though I do believe the movie touches on that idea, I do not think it serves as a complete example. The women in the movie all lack decent mother figures; in fact, the only good parent in the movie is Lucy's father. So if anything, I think the movie serves as a cautionary tale for bad parenting. If you're a bad parent, there's a good chance you child will end up drenched in glitter ruining a Joan Jett song and sleeping with recent acquaintances in LA roach motels.
CRABS: I think it's time to open some viewer mail.
ANG: We have been getting quite a few emails and whatnot.
CRABS: I've been up for 48 hours straight reading this past week's mail. This first one is from Roger in Atlanta.
ANG: Isn't be half of the great rock duo Mixmasta Whitson & The Cool MD?
CRABS: I wouldn't know anything about that.
ANG: But...
CRABS: ANYWAY, Roger writes, "As a pillor of the philosophical and literary community, I feel compelled to ask the both of you what you think you're accomplishing or adding to the world by writing this plebeian blog."
ANG: I think I detect some sour grapes. As I recall, Roger begged to be involved with the blog. But to answer your question, sir, Crabs and I feel that we are adding to the existing discourse re: bad movies in a relevant, synergistic way.
CRABS: I think your letter, and the tone of your writing, in addition to demonstrating an ignorance of contemporary cultural memes, belies the stogy anachronistic, and downright futile nature of contemporary academia, for I can only assume you are writing this in some ivy-covered academic hall.
ANG: I want to invite Roger to contribute to the blog if he's so inclined. We would welcome his input. I think we should move on from this topic now, for the sake of Crabs's blood pressure. So the next letter is Jason from London. He writes, "Ang, is it true you wrote the original screenplay to E.T., and if so, what was it like to work with Steven Spielberg?" Thank you for asking, Jason, but I'm afraid you're a bit off-base. While I did provide the inspiration for Drew Barrymore's character in the movie, I did not write the screenplay as such. Steven called frequently for my input, but I did not have an official writing credit as it were.
CRABS: Okay, enough about your sordid past. Let's take one more letter and then wrap this up. I have to get to pilates class by six o'clock. Our last letter is from George in Crawford, TX. George writes, "I'm recently unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands. I think my marriage is failing, and I'm wondering if you have any advice."
ANG: Well, I think you have us confused with Dear Abby, but we'll take a stab at this anyway.
CRABS: As a thrice-divorced father of twelve illegitimate children, my advice to you would be to run, run far away, change your name to something inconspicuous like Julio, and re-invent yourself as an Internet celebrity. Trust me, it works. Clearly the old lady is holding you down, man. Fly. Fly like a bird.
ANG: Thrice-divorced? I don't think it counts if you're practicing bigamy. Anyway, George, perhaps your wife is simply upset because you lack the energy you used to have. She's probably used to you being busy at all hours, starting illegal wars and whatnot. If you want to fix your marriage, I suggest a weekly date night. Try paying some attention to her, for chrissakes.
CRABS: That's all the time we have for today! Thanks for the mail!
For next time: Ang and Crabs finally make good on their promise to blog The Day After Tomorrow. You'll be sorry...
Rating: six sticks in the eye (and two platinum number one hit tiki torches to the spine).
Plot summary: Three inseparable childhood friends make a pact to be BFFs in the backwoods of Georgia. After interring their hopes and dreams (we're not actually making that up, they stick some crap in a wooden box), they inevitably drift apart and end up mired in predictable stereotypes. Lucy (Spears) is the good, obedient girl, Mimi (Manning) is the slutty bad girl, and Kit (Saldana) is the stuck-up prissy girl. There, all of the stereotypes are covered. Defying all social pressures, they make good on their promise to dig up their time capsule on the night of high school graduation. At some point during their grave-digging escapade, Mimi divulges her foolproof plan to strike it rich in California via some sort of open-ended talent competition. Initially, the other girls refuse to go, but reluctantly agree after discovering their own personal, and cliched, motivations -- Kit wants to embark on a transcontinental booty call with her douchebaggy boyfriend, and Lucy is obsessed with finding her long-lost mother (Cattrall). Rounding out this motley crew is Ben (Mount), a presumed felon and murderer who just happens to play one sweet-ass guitar and drive one sweet-ass convertible. After absconding in the middle of the night, the girls embark on a life-changing series of driving and singing montages, self-discovery, and bile-inducing female camaraderie. Eventually this crap parade lands them in Los Angeles, where lo and behold Spears discovers her inner woman (and we re-discover our lunches).
Key moments of interest:
Spears does an impromptu promo for Victoria's Secret.
The human buzzkill that is Dan Aykroyd ruins it.
Britney was abandoned as a young child by her wanderlust mother.
This hasn't kept her from scholastic achievement, however.
Spears and her nerdy lab partner make a list of reasons to have sex.
None of them proves especially convincing, and you can almost see his erection fall when she backs out.
Improbably, the girls meet up in the woods to unearth their time capsule.
Spears: "I brought the shovel!"
Mimi: "I got the flashlight!"
Kit: "I've got my shawl and bitchy attitude!"
A pact is formed: California or bust! But how to get there?
I know: we'll ask this sketchy, convicted felon to drive us!
Ben's sweet-ass convertible breaks down in Louisiana, and they don't have the money to fix it.
What to do? But wait! If only there were a city around where we could find an impromptu karaoke contest for cold, hard cash.
The girls, with Ben in tow, saunter into New Orleans. Girls Gone Wild is nowhere to be seen.
"If we want to win this karaoke contest, we've gotta sex it up!" (Half the movie budget was spent on body glitter for this scene.)
Joan Jett rolls over in her grave (or she would if she was dead) at the first insulting cords of "I Love Rock and Roll."
Creepy perverts in the audience end up forking over thousands to these scantily-clad, barely legal teenagers.
Sir Ben comes to Brit's rescue in the bar. Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.
With the car fixed it's off to Arizona, where Britney's mother is surely going to be very happy to see her.
Brit's mom: "Oh, by the way, I never loved you, and you were a mistake. Now get out of my house." (Didn't see that one coming.)
The gang arrives in LA, and checks into El Roacho Motelo. Kit and Mimi head out to pop in on Kit's douchebaggy boyfriend.
Brit and Ben stay behind and make Jesus cry. (If your dad could see you now.)
Meanwhile, back to La Casa de Douchebaggo, Dylan (Kit's betrothed) is entertaining when the girls arrive.
We learn Prince Charming is not only cheating on Kit, but raped Mimi and is the father of her bastard child.
Oh, the perils of underage drinking!
Let's get emotional and run down these stairs...
Gravity 1, Mimi 0.
Brit's dad shows up at the hospital, where the girls are comforting Mimi, who's had a miscarriage.
Everyone's surprisingly okay with this turn of events and decide to compete in the contest anyway.
Unfortunately, the girls just didn't have what it took to win the contest and went back home to Georgia a little wiser and a lot more mature.
Oh, who are we kidding...
Of course they won! And everyone was touched, blah blah.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: Spears's transformation from a do-no-wrong good girl to an unpredictable bad girl is quite dramatic. Do you think this parallels her eventually mental breakdown?
ANG: Oh, absolutely. That's part of how this movie is so poignant, and why I bought it for you as a birthday gift. Just as Britney's Lucy finds her own way through the world without the influence of her father, our real life Brit must travel life's road alone, and encounter many pitfalls along the way. I'm not sure if the real-life Britney actually lost her virginity to a convicted felon in a cheap motel room, but otherwise, the parallels are clear.
CRABS: In its most relevant form, this movie is a tale of children discovering themselves through personal and social tribulations. As such, do you think this movie offers a valid paradigm for new parents coaxing their daughters into maturity?
ANG: Though I do believe the movie touches on that idea, I do not think it serves as a complete example. The women in the movie all lack decent mother figures; in fact, the only good parent in the movie is Lucy's father. So if anything, I think the movie serves as a cautionary tale for bad parenting. If you're a bad parent, there's a good chance you child will end up drenched in glitter ruining a Joan Jett song and sleeping with recent acquaintances in LA roach motels.
CRABS: I think it's time to open some viewer mail.
ANG: We have been getting quite a few emails and whatnot.
CRABS: I've been up for 48 hours straight reading this past week's mail. This first one is from Roger in Atlanta.
ANG: Isn't be half of the great rock duo Mixmasta Whitson & The Cool MD?
CRABS: I wouldn't know anything about that.
ANG: But...
CRABS: ANYWAY, Roger writes, "As a pillor of the philosophical and literary community, I feel compelled to ask the both of you what you think you're accomplishing or adding to the world by writing this plebeian blog."
ANG: I think I detect some sour grapes. As I recall, Roger begged to be involved with the blog. But to answer your question, sir, Crabs and I feel that we are adding to the existing discourse re: bad movies in a relevant, synergistic way.
CRABS: I think your letter, and the tone of your writing, in addition to demonstrating an ignorance of contemporary cultural memes, belies the stogy anachronistic, and downright futile nature of contemporary academia, for I can only assume you are writing this in some ivy-covered academic hall.
ANG: I want to invite Roger to contribute to the blog if he's so inclined. We would welcome his input. I think we should move on from this topic now, for the sake of Crabs's blood pressure. So the next letter is Jason from London. He writes, "Ang, is it true you wrote the original screenplay to E.T., and if so, what was it like to work with Steven Spielberg?" Thank you for asking, Jason, but I'm afraid you're a bit off-base. While I did provide the inspiration for Drew Barrymore's character in the movie, I did not write the screenplay as such. Steven called frequently for my input, but I did not have an official writing credit as it were.
CRABS: Okay, enough about your sordid past. Let's take one more letter and then wrap this up. I have to get to pilates class by six o'clock. Our last letter is from George in Crawford, TX. George writes, "I'm recently unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands. I think my marriage is failing, and I'm wondering if you have any advice."
ANG: Well, I think you have us confused with Dear Abby, but we'll take a stab at this anyway.
CRABS: As a thrice-divorced father of twelve illegitimate children, my advice to you would be to run, run far away, change your name to something inconspicuous like Julio, and re-invent yourself as an Internet celebrity. Trust me, it works. Clearly the old lady is holding you down, man. Fly. Fly like a bird.
ANG: Thrice-divorced? I don't think it counts if you're practicing bigamy. Anyway, George, perhaps your wife is simply upset because you lack the energy you used to have. She's probably used to you being busy at all hours, starting illegal wars and whatnot. If you want to fix your marriage, I suggest a weekly date night. Try paying some attention to her, for chrissakes.
CRABS: That's all the time we have for today! Thanks for the mail!
For next time: Ang and Crabs finally make good on their promise to blog The Day After Tomorrow. You'll be sorry...
Rating: six sticks in the eye (and two platinum number one hit tiki torches to the spine).
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Battlefield Earth -- Saturday Night Invasion
A note: I know we promised you The Day After Tomorrow, but this is better, trust us. Forget everything you've ever heard about how terrible Battlefield: Earth actually is. It's far worse. Much, much worse. In fact, the staff of ICBIWT refuses to believe that there are any words in the English language to describe its awfulness. But we're going to try. Apparently, Travolta yearned for years to destroy entertainment as we know it. Dead-set on making L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology primer into a movie, he shopped it around to every studio on earth, all of which passed on it (a very smart move), until he had no choice but to make it himself. The final budget was about $44m, and we're firmly convinced that half of this was spent on flying dirt and other high-tech special effects. Unfortunately, this budget, however massive it may seem, was not enough to replace the defective cameras undoubtedly responsible for the constant use of slanted angles.
Facts: spawned and subsequently unleashed upon humanity in 2000. Starring John Travolta (okay, we get it, he's crazy), Forrest Whitaker (this we don't get), and a bunch of people you've never heard of (if you watch the movie, you'll see why). Travolta planned to make two sequels to this movie. Read the following plot summary and rejoice with us that this never came to pass.
Plot summary: Humanity has been under the rule of aliens called Psychlos (we didn't make that up) for about 1,000 years. Humans seem to have two functions in this movie: either they live in cave dwellings and make flowery pronouncements that make no sense, or they're being used as slave labor by the Psychlos, who need gold for...something. Psychlos can't breathe Earth's air, so the mining operation is located in a gigantic dome over Denver. Leading the Psychlos is Terl (Travolta), who has been condemned to remain on Earth (an unappealing prospect) for some unspecified reason. Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, who lives in a cave, ends up captured and enslaved by the Psychlos. Needing some sort of human envoy, Terl, who is not too bright, enlists Jonnie to help him. Aided by a rapid learning machine which has to be seen to be believed, Jonnie learns Psychlo history and language. Jonnie, unsurprisingly, has no intention of helping Terl, and organizes a covert revolt. Despite having been enslaved for ONE THOUSAND years, in a few days, humans are able to destroy the Psychlo complex and somehow beam radioactive gas back to the Psychlo homeworld, destroying it.
Key moments of interest:
Jonnie departs on a hopeless quest and encounters a band of travelers. They end up in a mall.
Since they're idiots, they end up captured.
Ooh, Psychlo architecture is monumental and bland, much like the aliens themselves.
Jonnie delivers a stirring speech extoling the virtues of working together against the Psychlos (who, over the past 1,000 years, have not learned any English).
Terl, who is consigned unhappily to Earth, waxes philosophical about his coming triumphant return to Psychlo.
If only we could come up with some sort of scheme for regaining his status...
Jonnie leads a rebellion on a work detail...obviously he is the right choice to help Terl.
Cue the learning machine. It looks like a gigantic laser.
Terl is obsessed with his security cameras, and constantly abuses his subordinates (especially Whitaker).
We're sure this will never come back to bite him in the ass.
"Let's all get some learnin' now!" Cue the learning machine.
Oh, look, some fighter jets from 1,000 years ago. Of course these still work...
An epic battle begins, as an army of Psychlos plod like oxen through the streets.
The dome is destroyed, and the Psychlos suffocate.
Jonnie teleports the nuke back to Psychlo. BOOM! (Some crap about how the nuke reacts with the atmosphere, blah blah.)
Jonnie and his gang of misfits solider on. Terl is in a cage.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: As the most public manifestation of Scientological teachings, given what you know, do you feel that this film accurately represents Scientology?
ANG: Well, if we can assume that Scientology is a pile of pseudo-scientific hokum, and I think we can, then yes. I'm not sure that we can say that the story itself, inasmuch as this movie can be said to have a story, represents actual Scientological beliefs (for instance, I don't know that the galactic overlord Xenu was a Psychlo), but it clearly indicates that upper-level Scientologists are expected to swallow an awful lot of hooey. And given the nose-dive we've seen recently in the careers of several prominent Scientologists (Travolta being one), I think we can safely say that there are some belief systems that are too crazy even for Hollywood.
CRABS: With a name like Jonnie Goodboy, the main character is clearly a representation of the American everyman. Do you think his fight against the technologically-savvy Psychlos presages an emerging neo-Luddite movement in the United States?
ANG: On the face of it, no. While it is true that Jonnie is able to retain a core of intellectualism despite his caveman existence, we must note that he uses technology to defeat the Psychlos, and in fact would not be able to take back Earth without it. For instance, Jonnie's band of human misfits are able to fly ancient fighter jets with no training whatsoever. I think that this indicates that, despite a growing frustration with how technologically dependent we've become, the soul of humanity depends on technology in order to flower.
CRABS: In today's socioecopolitical climate, avarice and greed are often talked about as being prevalent human characteristics. Travolta's character in the movie exhibits both qualities in spades. Do you think that this is meant to imply that these two attributes are fundamental properties of the universe, and will thus manifest themselves in all forms of intelligent life?
ANG: Perhaps. What I am more interested in is whether we can assume that these qualities are universally detrimental. With a name like Jonnie Goodboy, which seems a tad heavy-handed, we assume that Jonnie has a heart of gold. Though this proves to be true, we can also assume that he has motivations for human liberation that are not entirely altruistic. This is in stark contrast to Terl, who exhibits no positive characteristics. So I think the movie is a very human-centric picture, in that it suggests that while humans are able to use greed for good, other lifeforms are not.
CRABS: I find the most interesting part of the movie revolves around the Psychlo technology of interstellar telepoprtation. Given your extensive in theoretical quantum physics, what is your take on the viability of this technology? Could this represent an answer to our dependence on foreign oil.
ANG: You're too kind. You know I don't like to crow about my many, many achievements on the blog. So I'll just remind everyone of my recent appointment to the position of Distinguished Professorial Advocate at Northwestern Rhode Island State University - South Providence campus, and move to your fascinating but ultimately perplexing question. While I do feel that an invention such as the teleportation device seen in the movie would eliminate the need for oil in some ways, it falls short of doing so completely. Should a teleportation device become a reality, it would almost certainly be available only to wealthy people, leaving poorer individuals up a creek. Additionally, we use oil for far more than just transportation, so while we might not require it for cars, we would still need it for countless other modern conveniences.
CRABS: Let's talk about cinematography for a bit. In particular, I want to address the excessive use of the canted or slanted shot in the film. Do you think this is an intentional effect on the filmmakers' part meant to subconsciously implant the idea that the way in which we view this movie, and by extension the world, is inevitably influenced, skewed if you will, by our own individual perceptions or past experiences, and that as a result there can be no such thing as objective truth or reality?
ANG: It is obvious from your question that are not a student of the human mind as I am. Anyone who has studied 18th century philosophy knows that the refusal to view humanity head-on, as the movie potrays, indicates a desire to improve one's self, not a statement about objective truth. For instance, Jonnie Goodboy clearly retains a nugget of his humanity though he at first lives in squalor. However, despite his emerging sense of self, he continues to view his life askew. The Pscyhlos, since they are occupying a foreign territory, suffer the same fate. They, however, are content with the status quo, and do not feel the need to improve themselves.
For next time: Ang and Crabs watched Crossroads. Now we all have to suffer.
Rating: six sticks in the eye and the L. Ron Hubbard Memorial Medal of Infamy.
Facts: spawned and subsequently unleashed upon humanity in 2000. Starring John Travolta (okay, we get it, he's crazy), Forrest Whitaker (this we don't get), and a bunch of people you've never heard of (if you watch the movie, you'll see why). Travolta planned to make two sequels to this movie. Read the following plot summary and rejoice with us that this never came to pass.
Plot summary: Humanity has been under the rule of aliens called Psychlos (we didn't make that up) for about 1,000 years. Humans seem to have two functions in this movie: either they live in cave dwellings and make flowery pronouncements that make no sense, or they're being used as slave labor by the Psychlos, who need gold for...something. Psychlos can't breathe Earth's air, so the mining operation is located in a gigantic dome over Denver. Leading the Psychlos is Terl (Travolta), who has been condemned to remain on Earth (an unappealing prospect) for some unspecified reason. Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, who lives in a cave, ends up captured and enslaved by the Psychlos. Needing some sort of human envoy, Terl, who is not too bright, enlists Jonnie to help him. Aided by a rapid learning machine which has to be seen to be believed, Jonnie learns Psychlo history and language. Jonnie, unsurprisingly, has no intention of helping Terl, and organizes a covert revolt. Despite having been enslaved for ONE THOUSAND years, in a few days, humans are able to destroy the Psychlo complex and somehow beam radioactive gas back to the Psychlo homeworld, destroying it.
Key moments of interest:
Jonnie departs on a hopeless quest and encounters a band of travelers. They end up in a mall.
Since they're idiots, they end up captured.
Ooh, Psychlo architecture is monumental and bland, much like the aliens themselves.
Jonnie delivers a stirring speech extoling the virtues of working together against the Psychlos (who, over the past 1,000 years, have not learned any English).
Terl, who is consigned unhappily to Earth, waxes philosophical about his coming triumphant return to Psychlo.
If only we could come up with some sort of scheme for regaining his status...
Jonnie leads a rebellion on a work detail...obviously he is the right choice to help Terl.
Cue the learning machine. It looks like a gigantic laser.
Terl is obsessed with his security cameras, and constantly abuses his subordinates (especially Whitaker).
We're sure this will never come back to bite him in the ass.
"Let's all get some learnin' now!" Cue the learning machine.
Oh, look, some fighter jets from 1,000 years ago. Of course these still work...
An epic battle begins, as an army of Psychlos plod like oxen through the streets.
The dome is destroyed, and the Psychlos suffocate.
Jonnie teleports the nuke back to Psychlo. BOOM! (Some crap about how the nuke reacts with the atmosphere, blah blah.)
Jonnie and his gang of misfits solider on. Terl is in a cage.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: As the most public manifestation of Scientological teachings, given what you know, do you feel that this film accurately represents Scientology?
ANG: Well, if we can assume that Scientology is a pile of pseudo-scientific hokum, and I think we can, then yes. I'm not sure that we can say that the story itself, inasmuch as this movie can be said to have a story, represents actual Scientological beliefs (for instance, I don't know that the galactic overlord Xenu was a Psychlo), but it clearly indicates that upper-level Scientologists are expected to swallow an awful lot of hooey. And given the nose-dive we've seen recently in the careers of several prominent Scientologists (Travolta being one), I think we can safely say that there are some belief systems that are too crazy even for Hollywood.
CRABS: With a name like Jonnie Goodboy, the main character is clearly a representation of the American everyman. Do you think his fight against the technologically-savvy Psychlos presages an emerging neo-Luddite movement in the United States?
ANG: On the face of it, no. While it is true that Jonnie is able to retain a core of intellectualism despite his caveman existence, we must note that he uses technology to defeat the Psychlos, and in fact would not be able to take back Earth without it. For instance, Jonnie's band of human misfits are able to fly ancient fighter jets with no training whatsoever. I think that this indicates that, despite a growing frustration with how technologically dependent we've become, the soul of humanity depends on technology in order to flower.
CRABS: In today's socioecopolitical climate, avarice and greed are often talked about as being prevalent human characteristics. Travolta's character in the movie exhibits both qualities in spades. Do you think that this is meant to imply that these two attributes are fundamental properties of the universe, and will thus manifest themselves in all forms of intelligent life?
ANG: Perhaps. What I am more interested in is whether we can assume that these qualities are universally detrimental. With a name like Jonnie Goodboy, which seems a tad heavy-handed, we assume that Jonnie has a heart of gold. Though this proves to be true, we can also assume that he has motivations for human liberation that are not entirely altruistic. This is in stark contrast to Terl, who exhibits no positive characteristics. So I think the movie is a very human-centric picture, in that it suggests that while humans are able to use greed for good, other lifeforms are not.
CRABS: I find the most interesting part of the movie revolves around the Psychlo technology of interstellar telepoprtation. Given your extensive in theoretical quantum physics, what is your take on the viability of this technology? Could this represent an answer to our dependence on foreign oil.
ANG: You're too kind. You know I don't like to crow about my many, many achievements on the blog. So I'll just remind everyone of my recent appointment to the position of Distinguished Professorial Advocate at Northwestern Rhode Island State University - South Providence campus, and move to your fascinating but ultimately perplexing question. While I do feel that an invention such as the teleportation device seen in the movie would eliminate the need for oil in some ways, it falls short of doing so completely. Should a teleportation device become a reality, it would almost certainly be available only to wealthy people, leaving poorer individuals up a creek. Additionally, we use oil for far more than just transportation, so while we might not require it for cars, we would still need it for countless other modern conveniences.
CRABS: Let's talk about cinematography for a bit. In particular, I want to address the excessive use of the canted or slanted shot in the film. Do you think this is an intentional effect on the filmmakers' part meant to subconsciously implant the idea that the way in which we view this movie, and by extension the world, is inevitably influenced, skewed if you will, by our own individual perceptions or past experiences, and that as a result there can be no such thing as objective truth or reality?
ANG: It is obvious from your question that are not a student of the human mind as I am. Anyone who has studied 18th century philosophy knows that the refusal to view humanity head-on, as the movie potrays, indicates a desire to improve one's self, not a statement about objective truth. For instance, Jonnie Goodboy clearly retains a nugget of his humanity though he at first lives in squalor. However, despite his emerging sense of self, he continues to view his life askew. The Pscyhlos, since they are occupying a foreign territory, suffer the same fate. They, however, are content with the status quo, and do not feel the need to improve themselves.
For next time: Ang and Crabs watched Crossroads. Now we all have to suffer.
Rating: six sticks in the eye and the L. Ron Hubbard Memorial Medal of Infamy.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Super Mario Bros, aka. It's a Me, a Crappy Movie!
Facts: 1993 started out so well. Czechoslovakia ceased to be a country. Bill Clinton was sworn in as president. The Buffalo Bills lost their third consecutive Super Bowl. But all of that happy news was obliterated when a certain "movie" burst forth from the gates of Hell, leaving massacred childhood memories in its wake. Starring Bob Hoskins and, for some reason, John Leguizamo. And Dennis Hopper, who is undoubtedly wondering where his career went. We'd be glad to clue him in.
Plot summary: (A note: Ang & Crabs realize that the use of the term "plot summary" implies that the movie in question actually had a plot. Please understand that though this particular movie does not fit that description, they wish to use this term for continuity.) In the distant past, an asteroid fell to earth. The dinosaurs were wiped out...or were they? Among other catastrophes, the asteroid ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, creating a parallel universe in which lizard-human hybrids live...and plot revenge. In an effort to prevent President Koopa from using a reunited asteroid to take over the world, Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis), complete with an hunk of asteroid, is stashed in the human world, where she grows up to become a buxom grad student. And after catching the eye of Luigi, she manages to stumble upon the portal to the lizard kingdom. Our two bumbling plumbers, Mario and Luigi, who spend their days reinforcing Italian stereotypes, become embroiled in the lizard/human conflict when they agree to help Daisy fix a leaky pipe. Since this movie is theoretically based on the Mario Bros. games, Daisy is kidnapped and Mario and Luigi must save her and prevent the invasion of the lizard people. Which they do, of course, and it isn't very interesting or coherent.
Key moments of interest:
The brothers bumble around being "Italian."
"Oh no, our van is-a broken!"
Sexy mechanic Daisy comes to the rescue, and captures Luigi's heart. Aw!
Cue the double date from Hell: Luigi and Daisy, and Mario and some hooker.
L&D take a romantic stroll through her archeology dig...in the Bronx.
Nameless henchman sabotages the archaeological dig in the name of real estate progress.
The brothers rush to the rescue with their ridiculously over sized wrenches.
Our heroes wrestle with an epic water mane burst while Daisy is spirited away to the lizard kingdom by two reptilian thugs.
They find themselves in the dystopian reptile world, which looks eerily like New York City circa 1982.
The brothers meet a bouncer named Bertha, who will serve no real purpose in the movie.
We catch our first glimpse of impressive reptile world technology: jump boots!
"This slime is alive, and it seems to be helping us. What could it mean?"
Koopa whips out his devolution machine, or devolving machine, whatever. Either way it's ludicrous. He gets Jurassic on someone's ass.
Using jump boots and sheer force of will, M&L locate the incarcerated princess.
At some point, there's a heart-pounding 15mph car chase through the streets of NYC...er, the reptile kingdom.
The devolved goomba comes to their aid.
"Go go! Get back to the human world! We have to seal the portal -- it's the only way!"
Koopa becomes a Koopa kabob.
Our heroes jump through the portal seconds before it closes forever, saving the world as we know it (except Daisy, who stays behind with her newly-evolved father).
Daisy returns, "I need your help!"
This is clearly setting up a sequel, which, mercifully, has yet to be made.
Now to the phones. The ICBIWT phone lines are open, awaiting your calls. We'd like to hear your thoughts on this movie. First up, Elisa from Bothell.
ANG: Hi, Elisa.
CRABS: How's it hanging?
ELISA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm a long-time reader, first-time caller.
ANG: Excellent, glad to hear it.
CRABS: What's your question today?
ELISA: One of my fondest childhood memories is playing the Super Mario Bros games. When I reminisce about this, I can't help but wonder if you see any parallels between this movie adaptation and another childhood game, Pass the Pigs.
CRABS: Oh, I see some obvious similarities. For those who don't know, Pass the Pigs is a classic game in which players role pig-shaped dice in a quest for numerical supremacy. One of the most common poses in the game is a pig lying on its back as if it's just been slaughtered. I can't think of a more apt metaphor for this movie than that of a putrid pig lying on its back exposing its seedy underbelly.
ELISA: I'm wondering what effect this movie has had on your childhood memories. Has this destroyed your idyllic conception of the world as a place where innocence and happiness are still possible?
ANG: Yes. My therapy bills are astronomical, and if I ever get Dennis Hopper's address, I will send them to him. Before we watched this movie, I was a happy-go-lucky, productive member of society. Now I spend my days with a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of white pills, and Growing Pains DVDs. Clearly I am a damaged individual.
CRABS: Thanks for calling, Elisa! We appreciate your candor. Next up on the lines, we have Rene from Redmond. Hi, Rene.
ANG: Hi there.
RENE: Well, I'd like to say it's a pleasure calling in, but considering the topic at hand, I won't insult you with such formalities.
ANG: We appreciate that.
RENE: I'm intrigued by the devolving machine. Do you think that the presence of this machine in the movie hints at some sort of debate about the place of capital punishment in lizard society.
CRABS: Well, the devolving machine isn't actually fatal, and yet is used as punishment for perceived enemies of the state. I think this clearly implies that lizard society at some point in the past had an extensive debate regarding the appropriate punishments for criminals, and obviously concluded that, while rehabilitation is not always assured, the odds in favor of it occurring are increased when intelligence is applied in our criminal justice system.
ANG: An interesting point. I would, however, point out, that Koopa is intensely proud of his evolved state. So in choosing to devolve a criminal, he is, in essence, rendering that individual sub-human. This is a clear parallel to various genocidal regimes in history, all of which viewed their victims as less than human. So in this way, Koopa is inflicting upon these criminals the ultimate punishment -- the denial of their humanity.
RENE: Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind when I...
CRABS: Okay, thanks for calling!
ANG: Bye, Rene! Next up, Chelsea from Seattle.
CRABS: Hey, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm wondering if you have any advice or up-and-coming bad movie bloggers. As you know, children all over the world look up to you and want to emulate you.
CRABS: Well, I think a depraved childhood is probably a prerequisite for being a blogger.
ANG: A good one, at least.
CRABS: True, true. It's hard to say what separates from the wheat from the chaff in the blogosphere. I spent many years studying various topics in the humanities in sciences, preparing for my role as an international blog celebrity. Blog-lebrity, if you will. So I have to say a general comprehensive knowledge of pretty much everything coupled with a keen insight into the foibles of humanity is key.
ANG: I just want to add that some cherished celebrities will tell you that anyone can achieve anything they put their mind to. We disagree. A talent such as ours, which, let's face it, transcends the boundaries of the human intellect, cannot be learned. One could argue that certain skills, which may augment an existing pre-disposition to greatness, can be learned. However, the potential must be there. So any child who wishes to be like us but who lacks a certain spark should give up now.
CHELSEA: That made no sense to me. You are an idiot.
CRABS: Have you read the blog?
ANG: Thanks for your call! That's all the time we have for today!
For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle The Day After Tomorrow. Ugh. We'll be accepting your questions via telegraph and instant messenger.
Rating: five sticks in the eye (and a meatball where the sun don't shine).
Plot summary: (A note: Ang & Crabs realize that the use of the term "plot summary" implies that the movie in question actually had a plot. Please understand that though this particular movie does not fit that description, they wish to use this term for continuity.) In the distant past, an asteroid fell to earth. The dinosaurs were wiped out...or were they? Among other catastrophes, the asteroid ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, creating a parallel universe in which lizard-human hybrids live...and plot revenge. In an effort to prevent President Koopa from using a reunited asteroid to take over the world, Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis), complete with an hunk of asteroid, is stashed in the human world, where she grows up to become a buxom grad student. And after catching the eye of Luigi, she manages to stumble upon the portal to the lizard kingdom. Our two bumbling plumbers, Mario and Luigi, who spend their days reinforcing Italian stereotypes, become embroiled in the lizard/human conflict when they agree to help Daisy fix a leaky pipe. Since this movie is theoretically based on the Mario Bros. games, Daisy is kidnapped and Mario and Luigi must save her and prevent the invasion of the lizard people. Which they do, of course, and it isn't very interesting or coherent.
Key moments of interest:
The brothers bumble around being "Italian."
"Oh no, our van is-a broken!"
Sexy mechanic Daisy comes to the rescue, and captures Luigi's heart. Aw!
Cue the double date from Hell: Luigi and Daisy, and Mario and some hooker.
L&D take a romantic stroll through her archeology dig...in the Bronx.
Nameless henchman sabotages the archaeological dig in the name of real estate progress.
The brothers rush to the rescue with their ridiculously over sized wrenches.
Our heroes wrestle with an epic water mane burst while Daisy is spirited away to the lizard kingdom by two reptilian thugs.
They find themselves in the dystopian reptile world, which looks eerily like New York City circa 1982.
The brothers meet a bouncer named Bertha, who will serve no real purpose in the movie.
We catch our first glimpse of impressive reptile world technology: jump boots!
"This slime is alive, and it seems to be helping us. What could it mean?"
Koopa whips out his devolution machine, or devolving machine, whatever. Either way it's ludicrous. He gets Jurassic on someone's ass.
Using jump boots and sheer force of will, M&L locate the incarcerated princess.
At some point, there's a heart-pounding 15mph car chase through the streets of NYC...er, the reptile kingdom.
The devolved goomba comes to their aid.
"Go go! Get back to the human world! We have to seal the portal -- it's the only way!"
Koopa becomes a Koopa kabob.
Our heroes jump through the portal seconds before it closes forever, saving the world as we know it (except Daisy, who stays behind with her newly-evolved father).
Daisy returns, "I need your help!"
This is clearly setting up a sequel, which, mercifully, has yet to be made.
Now to the phones. The ICBIWT phone lines are open, awaiting your calls. We'd like to hear your thoughts on this movie. First up, Elisa from Bothell.
ANG: Hi, Elisa.
CRABS: How's it hanging?
ELISA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm a long-time reader, first-time caller.
ANG: Excellent, glad to hear it.
CRABS: What's your question today?
ELISA: One of my fondest childhood memories is playing the Super Mario Bros games. When I reminisce about this, I can't help but wonder if you see any parallels between this movie adaptation and another childhood game, Pass the Pigs.
CRABS: Oh, I see some obvious similarities. For those who don't know, Pass the Pigs is a classic game in which players role pig-shaped dice in a quest for numerical supremacy. One of the most common poses in the game is a pig lying on its back as if it's just been slaughtered. I can't think of a more apt metaphor for this movie than that of a putrid pig lying on its back exposing its seedy underbelly.
ELISA: I'm wondering what effect this movie has had on your childhood memories. Has this destroyed your idyllic conception of the world as a place where innocence and happiness are still possible?
ANG: Yes. My therapy bills are astronomical, and if I ever get Dennis Hopper's address, I will send them to him. Before we watched this movie, I was a happy-go-lucky, productive member of society. Now I spend my days with a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of white pills, and Growing Pains DVDs. Clearly I am a damaged individual.
CRABS: Thanks for calling, Elisa! We appreciate your candor. Next up on the lines, we have Rene from Redmond. Hi, Rene.
ANG: Hi there.
RENE: Well, I'd like to say it's a pleasure calling in, but considering the topic at hand, I won't insult you with such formalities.
ANG: We appreciate that.
RENE: I'm intrigued by the devolving machine. Do you think that the presence of this machine in the movie hints at some sort of debate about the place of capital punishment in lizard society.
CRABS: Well, the devolving machine isn't actually fatal, and yet is used as punishment for perceived enemies of the state. I think this clearly implies that lizard society at some point in the past had an extensive debate regarding the appropriate punishments for criminals, and obviously concluded that, while rehabilitation is not always assured, the odds in favor of it occurring are increased when intelligence is applied in our criminal justice system.
ANG: An interesting point. I would, however, point out, that Koopa is intensely proud of his evolved state. So in choosing to devolve a criminal, he is, in essence, rendering that individual sub-human. This is a clear parallel to various genocidal regimes in history, all of which viewed their victims as less than human. So in this way, Koopa is inflicting upon these criminals the ultimate punishment -- the denial of their humanity.
RENE: Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind when I...
CRABS: Okay, thanks for calling!
ANG: Bye, Rene! Next up, Chelsea from Seattle.
CRABS: Hey, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm wondering if you have any advice or up-and-coming bad movie bloggers. As you know, children all over the world look up to you and want to emulate you.
CRABS: Well, I think a depraved childhood is probably a prerequisite for being a blogger.
ANG: A good one, at least.
CRABS: True, true. It's hard to say what separates from the wheat from the chaff in the blogosphere. I spent many years studying various topics in the humanities in sciences, preparing for my role as an international blog celebrity. Blog-lebrity, if you will. So I have to say a general comprehensive knowledge of pretty much everything coupled with a keen insight into the foibles of humanity is key.
ANG: I just want to add that some cherished celebrities will tell you that anyone can achieve anything they put their mind to. We disagree. A talent such as ours, which, let's face it, transcends the boundaries of the human intellect, cannot be learned. One could argue that certain skills, which may augment an existing pre-disposition to greatness, can be learned. However, the potential must be there. So any child who wishes to be like us but who lacks a certain spark should give up now.
CHELSEA: That made no sense to me. You are an idiot.
CRABS: Have you read the blog?
ANG: Thanks for your call! That's all the time we have for today!
For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle The Day After Tomorrow. Ugh. We'll be accepting your questions via telegraph and instant messenger.
Rating: five sticks in the eye (and a meatball where the sun don't shine).
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