Facts: Joe Eszterhas, the acclaimed "screen writer" for this pile of celluloid crap, later apologized for it. Really, that should be all you need to know, but we here at ICBIWT are not satisfied with such a simple statement. No, Ang and Crabs sat through this movie, and now, as part of their long-term psychotherapy, they're going to tell you about it. Remember when this movie came out in 1995? How it was really controversial for being rated NC-17? Well, the controversy missed the mark entirely. The problem with this movie is not that it is risque (a charge that seems somewhat laughable when you're actually watching it), the problem is that this movie (a term which seems less and less meaningful as time passes) is godawful. No, really. There are no words to describe how bad it is, but we're going to try. Starring Elizabeth "Not Jessie Anymore" Berkeley, Kyle "Shoulda Stayed in Twin Peaks" McLachlan, and Gina "Oh, Christ" Gershon.
Plot summary: Anger-addled, Daisy-Duke wearing loner Nomi Malone (Berkeley) hitches a ride to Vegas to pursue her possibly lifelong passion of becoming a professional dancer, which considering her notable lack of talent, seems like a long shot. But we digress...Somehow her white trash demeanor and incessant explosive temper lead us to believe that this dream will not come to fruition. For all her supposed street smarts, Nomi is nearly immediately hoodwinked by some jackass truck driver, who steals her suitcase. But as luck would have it, she meets her BFF Molly, a hard-working seamstress with a heart of gold, and potential lesbian love interest, almost instantly. Fast forward to a few weeks later: Nomi and Molly are painting the town red, alternating between Molly's trailer and their high-prestige jobs, Molly as a costume designer at the Stardust and Nomi as an extra-sleazy stripper. Their idyllic existence is shattered forever when Molly invites Nomi backstage at the Stardust, where the latter meets Cristal Conners, who, we are lead to believe, is some sort of dance star. After viewing the show from backstage and spastically emulating the dance moves, she catches Cristal's eye and the two forge a love-hate relationship with yet another lesbian undertone (it's about as hot as fertilizing your lawn). While out dancing one night, Nomi meets James, who embarks on a nearly instant quest to get into her pants. What a charmer. Nomi has an especially lovable cast of colleagues at the Cheetah, including Penny, a naive young girl new to Vegas. The scene of her actually falling off of a turnip truck must've been cut for time considerations. Through some irrelevant series of circumstances, Nomi lands a role as a backup dancer in Molly's show, Goddess, and promptly begins sleeping her way to the top. Along the way, she has an intensely unsexy encounter with Zach, show producer at the Stardust, in his pool. (Note: you should stop reading this right now and YouTube this scene. Nomi looks like she is having a seizure, and Zach looks like he is about to vomit all over her.) Always-honest and trustworthy Nomi eventually realizes that James is mentoring/sleeping with Penny from the Cheetah, and was possibly BS-ing her about her "natural talent." After witnessing one of her co-workers sabotage a rival dancer, Nomi gets a few ideas in her head and she and the stairs conspire to end advance her career. Cristal ends up in the hospital, unable to dance for a year or somesuch. Now she's the lead dancer, on top of the world! She's got enough blow to choke a walrus! Sleeping with the producer! She's got it all. The one problem here is that she's ostracized the movie's only likable character, Molly, who warned her from the beginning not to get sucked into this decadent lifestyle. When their favorite singer, Andrew Carver, comes to town (think Yanni but sleazier, if such a thing is possible), Nomi drags Molly to a party with him, and fixes the two of them up, at which point we learn Andrew isn't the good boy that he at first appears, as he and his gang rape squad have their way with Molly upstairs (in a protracted scene which is easily the movie's most disturbing, which is saying a lot, and highly offensive). As her friend is recuperating in the hospital bed, Nomi has an epiphany, realizing that this isn't the life for her. So after getting her revenge on Andrew, with the help of a stiletto heel, she promptly packs up and heads out of town to pursue...well, we don't know, but hopefully but acting.
Key moments of interest:
Pseudo Elvis impersonator picks up sketchy-looking hootchie by the side of the road, thus beginning the epic Showgirls saga.
Elvis's uninspired come-ons are met with a sharp blade.
Upon arriving in Las Vegas, Elvis immediately shows his true colors. Not a good omen for the rest of her stay in town.
Demonstrating a remarkable ability to refute life's lessons, Nomi immediately trusts the next stranger who wanders into her field of vision. Fortunately, this one turns out to be okay.
We see Nomi at work, thrashing and convulsing quite un-erotically, to the joy of the Cheetah's Customers.
Welcome to Uncle Al's Sleazy House of Skeeze.
Take one part pimp mixed with two parts bookie, sprinkle with a generous helping of sleaze, and you've got a dynamite recipe for Al's, Nomi's boss.
Don't forget the rather large lady with the dress that'll make babies cry.
Oh, Nomi, we're done having vaguely erotic-esque undertones. You should come with me to work, since you're a dancer, too.
We see Cristal at her finest, displaying her two modes of existence: dancing topless and acting horny/disdainful.
Cue Nomi giving Zach a lap dance while Cristal looks on. A really long lap dance. Really long.
And while this scene was probably intended to be erotic and arousing, it simply comes off as laughable and pathetic.
FCC-approved lap dance checklist: breast jiggling, check; bending over both backwards and forewards, check; one leg on the shoulder, check; humping of the knee, check; epiletic thrashing about on lap, check.
That was the best $500 lap dance ever!
Nomi and Molly go shopping with her lap dance money, and Nomi buys the only non-slutty item of clothing she owns, a Versace dress (which she pronounces Ver-sayce).
Nomi auditions for the show, and undoubtedly due to a pronounced lack of dance talent, gets in.
She is advised shortly thereafter to be less of a Pollyanna, so she hootches it up. A sign of things to come, definitely.
Nomi takes a break from the exciting world of showgirl dancing and decides to pay a visit to her old friend, James.
Through the din of a turnip truck driving away, she hears a voice in his apartment.
Turns out naive Penny caught onto the Vegas scene pretty quickly.
Since they had no defined relationship, and they're both terrible people, any attempt on the part of the film makers to make us feel bad about this breakup falls flat.
Out with the old, in with the new -- if Nomi can't have James, she might as well sleep with the producer of the show.
Which she does. Tipsy on champagne and flying high on her recent success, the two embark on what looks like the least pleasurable sex ever recorded on film.
Nomi decides to give Zach the night of his life by riding him like a bucking bronco at the county fair. That, or someone threw an electric eel into the pool. It's hard to tell.
Nomi's DARE officer roles over in his grave when she climbs back on the great white powder pony.
At Zach's urging, Nomi auditions to be Cristal's understudy. Surprise, surprise: she's rejected.
A jealous Cristal pulls the rug out from underneath her.
Cristal "trips" down the metal stairs following a performance.
Nomi, did you see anything?
No, I have no idea what happened! Maybe she tripped over a unicorn.
This just in from Vegas: Nomi Malone stars in Goddess!
Molly gives her an ultimatum in a dramatic and heart-rending scene.
One scene later, they're friends again and decide to exploit Nomi's meteoric rise and decide to attend a party where Molly can meet her favorite singer.
Molly and Andrew become fast friends and decide to head upstairs for a little extra-curricular activity.
In a scene which seems to have been added merely to complete this rags to riches to rags tale, Molly is violent assaulted by Andrew and two other thugs.
While she's recovering from her severe injuries in the hospital, Nomi decides that revenge is a dish best served quickly.
She hookers it up and heads to his hotel room.
She must've watched a Bruce Lee DVD on the elevator ride up, and proceeds to kick the shit out of Andrew.
Good-bye to Molly. Good-bye to James. He and Penny are getting married and having a kid.
James leaves her with this time-honored wisdom: Shit happens. Life sucks.
She packs up and heads out of time, improbably landing a ride in a familiar blue pickup truck...
This just in: After driving all night from Seattle, Ang and Crabs have arrived at the Fresno Denny's on 23rd and State to interview Elizabeth Berkeley. In a booth in the back by the men's room, Ang orders a Moons over my Hammy and Crabs a piece of apple pie, and they sit down to interview Elizabeth. She's chain-smoking the last of a pack of Pall Malls and counting the tips stuffed into the bosom of her grease-soaked waitress uniform.
CRABS: First of all, I just want to say thank you for agreeing to meet with us today. We'll have your $50 check and Costco discount coupons mailed to you as soon as we can get back home. We've traveled here to discuss a lot of times, namely the impact the movie Showgirls has had on your life, and to a greater extent, America as a whole.
ELIZABETH: I thought this was an acting audition. That's what my publicist told me. A commercial for Cletus's Used Car Harbor and Bait Shop.
ANG: Oh, we'll get to that soon enough. We just have a few questions first.
CRABS: For many people, your days on Saved By the Bell really defined their childhood memories. Explain to me the decision-making process that led you to conclude that Showgirls was the logical step in your post-Saved acting career. And please don't skimp on the minutiae.
ELIZABETH: The coke-fueled hedonism of the Saved by the Bell set seemed like a natural precursor to this movie. For instance, the guy who played Screech was always bringing blow to the set. That's how I got hooked. And one day I was grinding him in my trailer. When he complimented me on my technique, a love for lap dancing was born.
ANG: Some have charged that the infamous pool scene ruined their sex lives forever. How do you respond to that accusation?
ELIZABETH: Well, I can't speak for Kyle, as I haven't talked to him since the production wrapped -- he won't return my phone calls or Twitter messages -- but personally, at the time I can say that that scene defined in my mind what a "normal" sex experience was supposed to be like. So as you can imagine, in retrospect I realize that this was highly traumatizing for me and led to a few particularly dark and forgetful years in Cleveland which I'd rather not discuss at this time. By the grace of God, and the kind souls at my AA meetings eventually persuaded me to seek some counseling, and I'm now beginning to finally work through and relive some of the subsequent experiences that I can only describe as scarring and debilitating.
ANG: Do you have any children?
ELIZABETH: Oh yes, I have seven lovely children and one more on the way.
CRABS: Upon its release, Showgirls created quite a controversy stemming from its NC-17 rating, and there was quite an uproar about the overt sexuality in this film. Personally, I found the sexual content to be more laughable than stimulating. Not that you didn't put forth a laudable effort. What do you think this says about the way our society views gender roles and sexuality? Are we desensitized?
ELIZABETH: I think you've misjudged the movie terribly. Though the sexual content can seem campy, you have to realize that this is a purposeful effort on my part to reveal the continuing Puritanical nature of American sexuality.
CRABS: How so? That doesn't make any sense. I must've missed the nuance in the screenplay.
(Time out while Crabs chokes on his apple pie.)
ELIZABETH: It just is, okay? Don't make me stick you with my knife.
ANG: You spend at least 50% of this movie topless. Did the nudity bother you?
ELIZABETH: Oh no. In fact, I'm uncomfortable wearing a shirt at all now. I miss having glittery nipples.
CRABS: One of the most impressive features of the film, and that's saying a lot, was the extensive makeup work. In particular, the eye shadow and the nipple painting. How many hours a day did you spend in makeup? And was it enjoyable or just plain tedious? Also, did you pick up any makeup tips while having your nipples painted?
ELIZABETH: I found the 4am makeup sessions to be the calmest part of my day. I would often spend my time reading works of classical philosophy, such as Plato's The Republic, and working on my still-unfinished dissertation titled "Super-sympetry and Invariance in Higher-Dimensional Spaces: A Mathematical Journey."
ANG: What are your plans for the future?
ELIZABETH: First of all, I want to finish my dissertation. I'd also like to do some teaching, and perhaps start a small business. I've always had a passion for dolphin training and working with autistic children. I'd like to combine those somehow.
CRABS: Well, thanks for your time. We've really enjoyed speaking with you.
ELIZABETH: Um, what about the audition?
ANG: Oh, we left the audition materials in the car. We'll both go get it and be right back...
For next time: Ang and Crabs are taking a segue into the action movie category, and will be watching the adrenaline-fueled blockbuster Street Fighter. For the next blog post, Ang will be wearing her Chun-Li outfit, and Crabs will break out his old Marine uniform and dress as General M. Bison...
Rating: twelve sticks in the eye and a razor to the crotch.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Glitter -- Mariah Hits a High Note of Crap...
Facts: In 2001, the world was finally able to compile a list of Mariah Carey's talents. On the list were skills such as singing, wearing tight pants, smirking, and being bootylicious. Note what didn't make it onto that list: acting. The noble profession of thespianism took a great leap backwards at the inception of Mariah Carey's "acting" career. Five minutes into this movie, and Ang & Crabs were ready to ditch blogging and take up alpaca farming instead. Starring the aforementioned songbird, nominal rap star Da Brat, some guy named Max Beesley, and Tia "I Was in Better Movies, I Swear" Texada. Oh, and Terrence Howard, for some reason.
Plot summary: Little Billie (Carey) is forced onto the stage by her neglectful, has-been drunk of a mother. Their idyllic life together is shattered when Mother of the Year sets their house on fire from an unattended cigarette and loses her job. The logical solution: to send her daughter to an orphanage and never speak to her again. Many years later....Billie is toiling in obscurity waiting tables or somesuch. Timothy (Howard) coerces Billie and her friends (Da Brat, Texada) into becoming backup singers for his talentless girlfriend. But Billie's stratospheric talent is not to be denied. She meets the sleazy Dice, who, upon realizing that Timothy's girlfriend is lip-syncing, and that Billie is actually singing, buys out her contract from Timothy. (And by buys out, we mean writes an $100k IOU that he never pays). After a brief fame montage, she's the hottest thing going on the NYC radio stations, and she and Dice are firmly ensconced in domestic bliss. He wears leather pants a lot. Who could resist? To our dismay, Billie becomes a bit of a diva when she lands a record contract. She has to betray her two long-time friends, but at least she has Dice. For awhile, anyway. They disagree about the direction in which her career is going. Timothy breaks into their apartment and reveals Dice's shady business dealings, and threatens to hurt her if he doesn't pay up. Always a gentleman, Dice beats him up and gets thrown into the slammer. Always a strong woman, Billie leaves this pile of male charm (Dice rolls a snake eyes) and promptly meets a hot dreadlocked producer. So it all works out. Billie finally realizes her dream of playing Madison Square Garden (she books a gig, at least), and then both she and Dice somehow independently write the same sappy song for her to sing that night. But these star-crossed lovers are not to be, as Dice finds himself on the wrong side of Timothy's gun. As Billie is about to go on stage, she finds out about Dice's tragic demise, and she performs their song as a final tribute to his greasiness. Then, of course, she finds her mother, who we've mercifully forgotten about. Roll credits. Thank god.
Key moments of interest:
Gimme another martini, Bill, and let me at that mike. I'll sing my way into your hearts.
Oh, did I mention my daughter's quite a talent, too?
Cute as a button Billie wows the crowds with her precociousness.
Billie and Jane Beam are somehow short on cash, and weasel some out of Billie's father.
(Mama needs the money to buy her gown for the Mother of the Year gala.)
Billie tucks her mom into bed, and then herself.
But her mother's cigarette has a mind of its own, and their house goes up in flames. Fwoosh!
Firemen must be on vacation because the house is a total loss.
Get in the car with the nice lady! Tearful farewell ensues.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and we find Billie scraping by with her friends working as a waitress. (Or a pole-dancer. Hell, we don't know.)
Timothy slimes his way backstage with a proposition.
Unfortunately, it's not of the hooking kind.
At the recording session, Mariah ends up providing the vocals for some no-talent hack.
The always savvy Dice realizes that the vocals are a fraud.
Dice makes a deal with the devil. Like most business transactions, it's cut-and-dried. I'm sure we'll never hear from Timothy again...
Dice and Billie cut her first single. A star is born!
Billie embarks on an adrenaline and body-glitter fueled promo tour.
Strictly managerial Dice invites Billie into see his musical instruments.
Two-backed beast sighting in lower Manhattan!
Billie's record deal is a sign she's finally hit the big-time.
Movie over. Roll credits. We wish.
Timothy and Billie have a tense heart-to-heart in the apartment.
Roll down the intense heart-to-heart checklist: Emerging from the shadows, check. Thinly-veiled threats of violence, check.
Dice goes Tonya Harding on Timothy's ass in some back alley.
Billie bails him out of prison, with the paparazzi in tow.
This all leads to a huge fight in the limo, and Billie must make a choice between leather pants and lifelong friends.
Cue a semi-abusive fight, and Billie is out of there, soul-searching montage (introspective walking through the city, long periods staring out windows, drinking) and all.
Billie immediately finds another, better-looking man: Dreadlocks McSteamy.
Dice decides to express his reptilian feelings through the power of song.
We learn that Dice is not bulletproof, and yet somehow it's hard to feel sorry for him since he was a jackass, a liar, and a cheat.
Billie captures our hearts with her stirring performance of Dice's last will and testament (aka, a shitty song).
Cue perky publicist: "Oh, by the way! We found your mother!"
Driver, take me to my mother right now!
With nary a smirk and a hug, mother and daughter are reunited. All past transgressions have been forgiven.
Cue glorious future.
Snarky movie discussion:
(Note: Ang & Crabs are going to redefine intellectualism and do a little genre-blending here. Since this was the culmination of Mariah Carey's career, we can relate every song she's written to one of the movie's heart-rending scenes.)
ANG: Let's start with Mariah's first hit, "Vision of Love." Do you think Billie has, in fact, a vision of love, or is her talent so impressive that she is destined to be alone?
CRABS: Clearly, Billie's talent is so great that it eclipses not only every aspect of her personality but every facet of her life. Case-in-point: her only expressible emotion is that of a confused smirk, which seems to be her emotional response to everything that happens to her. I would argue that she's actually a victim, or prisoner, of her own greatness, and as such, has no true vision for her life, but merely rolls with the punches when she finds herself in new circumstances. Her tawdry romance with Dice is not something that was intentional, but something that could be seen as in intelligent career move on her part. And while the couple themselves are quite a heavenly vision, we learn that their love is nothing more than ego-driven, fame-seeking delusion.
ANG: What about the song "Make it Happen" from Mariah's classic second album? Do you see this song as an anthem for all young girls struggling in dysfunctional families, and would you argue that it is Billie's sheer force of will that allows her to triumph over her upbringing?
CRABS: I would argue the opposite, in fact. Her consistently emotionless response to everything that happens to her seems to imply that she is nothing more than a dolt, or an idiot savant, if you will, whose sole purpose in life is to sing. Surprisingly, she demonstrates very little ambition, and is not really the catalyst for any of the good things that happen to her. Instead, she relies on her hot pants and ample cleavage.
ANG: I'm sure you remember the inspirational anthem "Hero" which came out in 1993. Who, if anyone, would you argue is Billie's hero in the movie?
CRABS: We'll certainly lead to believe that her mother is in fact her hero. But the movie makes an unconvincing and utterly contrived attempt at driving this point home. I would argue that she has no hero, and in fact is living a capitalistic nihilist's dream by exploiting the system to her own advantage, and yet espousing no clearly-defined creed or well-developed belief system.
ANG: Let's discuss "Always Be My Baby." Are we to believe that Dice is, in fact, Billie's baby, or is this just a red herring designed to distract us from Billie's inner strength?
CRABS: The fact that Billie was so prompt and willing to leave Dice after his angry outburst leads me to believe that in fact he was not her "baby," but merely her sugar daddy. If anything, I think we could say that Billie is the baby of the music industry. After signing her contract, she's promptly coddled, swaddled, and pampered in every way. And yet like most children, she grows to resent her corporate "parents" and starts to rebel against them as their relationship matures. I see this story as ultimately a prophetic tale of the future of industrialized society which values ephemeral things like notoriety and success over core values like family and commitment and apple pie.
For next time: Sound the trumpets! Ang & Crabs are finally going to watch the granddaddy of all bad movies. That's right, kids! It's Showgirls time! (We're reluctant to do this for fear of compromising our fond memories of Saved by the Bell, but it must be done.) Plus! Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is stopping by to guest blog!
Rating: eight sticks in the eye (and some leather pants).
Plot summary: Little Billie (Carey) is forced onto the stage by her neglectful, has-been drunk of a mother. Their idyllic life together is shattered when Mother of the Year sets their house on fire from an unattended cigarette and loses her job. The logical solution: to send her daughter to an orphanage and never speak to her again. Many years later....Billie is toiling in obscurity waiting tables or somesuch. Timothy (Howard) coerces Billie and her friends (Da Brat, Texada) into becoming backup singers for his talentless girlfriend. But Billie's stratospheric talent is not to be denied. She meets the sleazy Dice, who, upon realizing that Timothy's girlfriend is lip-syncing, and that Billie is actually singing, buys out her contract from Timothy. (And by buys out, we mean writes an $100k IOU that he never pays). After a brief fame montage, she's the hottest thing going on the NYC radio stations, and she and Dice are firmly ensconced in domestic bliss. He wears leather pants a lot. Who could resist? To our dismay, Billie becomes a bit of a diva when she lands a record contract. She has to betray her two long-time friends, but at least she has Dice. For awhile, anyway. They disagree about the direction in which her career is going. Timothy breaks into their apartment and reveals Dice's shady business dealings, and threatens to hurt her if he doesn't pay up. Always a gentleman, Dice beats him up and gets thrown into the slammer. Always a strong woman, Billie leaves this pile of male charm (Dice rolls a snake eyes) and promptly meets a hot dreadlocked producer. So it all works out. Billie finally realizes her dream of playing Madison Square Garden (she books a gig, at least), and then both she and Dice somehow independently write the same sappy song for her to sing that night. But these star-crossed lovers are not to be, as Dice finds himself on the wrong side of Timothy's gun. As Billie is about to go on stage, she finds out about Dice's tragic demise, and she performs their song as a final tribute to his greasiness. Then, of course, she finds her mother, who we've mercifully forgotten about. Roll credits. Thank god.
Key moments of interest:
Gimme another martini, Bill, and let me at that mike. I'll sing my way into your hearts.
Oh, did I mention my daughter's quite a talent, too?
Cute as a button Billie wows the crowds with her precociousness.
Billie and Jane Beam are somehow short on cash, and weasel some out of Billie's father.
(Mama needs the money to buy her gown for the Mother of the Year gala.)
Billie tucks her mom into bed, and then herself.
But her mother's cigarette has a mind of its own, and their house goes up in flames. Fwoosh!
Firemen must be on vacation because the house is a total loss.
Get in the car with the nice lady! Tearful farewell ensues.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and we find Billie scraping by with her friends working as a waitress. (Or a pole-dancer. Hell, we don't know.)
Timothy slimes his way backstage with a proposition.
Unfortunately, it's not of the hooking kind.
At the recording session, Mariah ends up providing the vocals for some no-talent hack.
The always savvy Dice realizes that the vocals are a fraud.
Dice makes a deal with the devil. Like most business transactions, it's cut-and-dried. I'm sure we'll never hear from Timothy again...
Dice and Billie cut her first single. A star is born!
Billie embarks on an adrenaline and body-glitter fueled promo tour.
Strictly managerial Dice invites Billie into see his musical instruments.
Two-backed beast sighting in lower Manhattan!
Billie's record deal is a sign she's finally hit the big-time.
Movie over. Roll credits. We wish.
Timothy and Billie have a tense heart-to-heart in the apartment.
Roll down the intense heart-to-heart checklist: Emerging from the shadows, check. Thinly-veiled threats of violence, check.
Dice goes Tonya Harding on Timothy's ass in some back alley.
Billie bails him out of prison, with the paparazzi in tow.
This all leads to a huge fight in the limo, and Billie must make a choice between leather pants and lifelong friends.
Cue a semi-abusive fight, and Billie is out of there, soul-searching montage (introspective walking through the city, long periods staring out windows, drinking) and all.
Billie immediately finds another, better-looking man: Dreadlocks McSteamy.
Dice decides to express his reptilian feelings through the power of song.
We learn that Dice is not bulletproof, and yet somehow it's hard to feel sorry for him since he was a jackass, a liar, and a cheat.
Billie captures our hearts with her stirring performance of Dice's last will and testament (aka, a shitty song).
Cue perky publicist: "Oh, by the way! We found your mother!"
Driver, take me to my mother right now!
With nary a smirk and a hug, mother and daughter are reunited. All past transgressions have been forgiven.
Cue glorious future.
Snarky movie discussion:
(Note: Ang & Crabs are going to redefine intellectualism and do a little genre-blending here. Since this was the culmination of Mariah Carey's career, we can relate every song she's written to one of the movie's heart-rending scenes.)
ANG: Let's start with Mariah's first hit, "Vision of Love." Do you think Billie has, in fact, a vision of love, or is her talent so impressive that she is destined to be alone?
CRABS: Clearly, Billie's talent is so great that it eclipses not only every aspect of her personality but every facet of her life. Case-in-point: her only expressible emotion is that of a confused smirk, which seems to be her emotional response to everything that happens to her. I would argue that she's actually a victim, or prisoner, of her own greatness, and as such, has no true vision for her life, but merely rolls with the punches when she finds herself in new circumstances. Her tawdry romance with Dice is not something that was intentional, but something that could be seen as in intelligent career move on her part. And while the couple themselves are quite a heavenly vision, we learn that their love is nothing more than ego-driven, fame-seeking delusion.
ANG: What about the song "Make it Happen" from Mariah's classic second album? Do you see this song as an anthem for all young girls struggling in dysfunctional families, and would you argue that it is Billie's sheer force of will that allows her to triumph over her upbringing?
CRABS: I would argue the opposite, in fact. Her consistently emotionless response to everything that happens to her seems to imply that she is nothing more than a dolt, or an idiot savant, if you will, whose sole purpose in life is to sing. Surprisingly, she demonstrates very little ambition, and is not really the catalyst for any of the good things that happen to her. Instead, she relies on her hot pants and ample cleavage.
ANG: I'm sure you remember the inspirational anthem "Hero" which came out in 1993. Who, if anyone, would you argue is Billie's hero in the movie?
CRABS: We'll certainly lead to believe that her mother is in fact her hero. But the movie makes an unconvincing and utterly contrived attempt at driving this point home. I would argue that she has no hero, and in fact is living a capitalistic nihilist's dream by exploiting the system to her own advantage, and yet espousing no clearly-defined creed or well-developed belief system.
ANG: Let's discuss "Always Be My Baby." Are we to believe that Dice is, in fact, Billie's baby, or is this just a red herring designed to distract us from Billie's inner strength?
CRABS: The fact that Billie was so prompt and willing to leave Dice after his angry outburst leads me to believe that in fact he was not her "baby," but merely her sugar daddy. If anything, I think we could say that Billie is the baby of the music industry. After signing her contract, she's promptly coddled, swaddled, and pampered in every way. And yet like most children, she grows to resent her corporate "parents" and starts to rebel against them as their relationship matures. I see this story as ultimately a prophetic tale of the future of industrialized society which values ephemeral things like notoriety and success over core values like family and commitment and apple pie.
For next time: Sound the trumpets! Ang & Crabs are finally going to watch the granddaddy of all bad movies. That's right, kids! It's Showgirls time! (We're reluctant to do this for fear of compromising our fond memories of Saved by the Bell, but it must be done.) Plus! Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is stopping by to guest blog!
Rating: eight sticks in the eye (and some leather pants).
Monday, July 6, 2009
Dungeons & Dragons -- There's a Little Snails in all of Us
Facts: Ang & Crabs were ensconced in the college scene in 2000, reveling in various sorts of intellectual masturbation. The media was squawking about the impending end of the world...but we got this movie instead, which is almost as bad (like a Y2K bug for your brain). Ang & Crabs's inner nerds were secretly sort of excited about the prospect of a D&D movie, but reason somehow prevailed, and, despite a preponderance of tequila, the two managed to avoid this movie for nine beautiful years. But no more...Starring Thora "Yes, it's really her" Birch, Jeremy "I should be better than this" Irons, Justin "Who?" Whalin, and Marlon "Not a fly girl" Wayons.
Plot summary: (Warning: this is a plot filled with political intrigue and thrilling machinations. Read on at your peril.) Two young thieves, personality-free Ridley (Whalin) and Snails (Wayons), an Eddie Murphy-esque sidekick, live in the kingdom of Izmer, which is ruled by the idealistic young Empress Savina (Birch). In a plot twist presaging the current events in Iran, the evil wizard Profion (Irons), who's also some sort of politician, is looking for an ancient artifact. Possessing it will allow him to control red dragons, and by extension, stage a hare-brained coup. (We don't get it, either.) The two young idiots (er, thieves) break into the wizard's tower to steal stuff, where they meet a dowdy hottie in disguise apprentice wizardess and together embark on a snooze-filled quest to uncover the ancient secrets of power. Pursuing them all the while is the evil Damodar, Profion's minion, who also happens to look like a long-lost Village Person. You can tell he's evil because he wears blue lipstick. This motley crew finds a gigantic, fake-looking gemstone by navigating some sort of maze, and...it's hard for us to talk about this...we lose Snails to the winds of fate. He still had so much to give! So many cliched jokes to tell! Then, fifteen boring hours later, they find the scepter they've been looking for, but the blue-lipped guy steals it. He delivers it to Profion, who calls upon red dragons, igniting a dragon civil war. Ridley destroys the scepter, saving the kingdom. Snails, alas, is not alive to see this glorious day.
Key moments of interest:
Two scamps are separating people from their hard-earned cash.
Little do they know they will soon decide the fate of the entire kingdom.
Droll politicians drone on about meaningless nonsense. No, it's not CSPAN. It's the Izmer Senate.
A battle's a-brewin. Savina v. Profion smackdown!
Profion's minion Damodar is controlled via a bug in his ear. (Khan!)
The two thieves discuss the relative merits of small-time v. big-time operations. It's time for the big score.
Ridley and Snails bust into the wizard's tower, and we learn why Ridley is the brains behind the operation.
Snails is like a bull in a china shop. CLANG!
Surprisingly, someone hears the one man band that is Snails and comes to investigate.
Blue-lipped man (Damodar) finds them, and the wizardess creates a portal. They escape.
Cue some long, lame story about red dragons.
The two bumbling idiots (and unfortunate movie watchers) are now filled in on movie lore.
Savina sends her metal-bustiered minion after them.
Snails tries to get some, and is, not unsurprisingly, unsuccessful. But her elven heart is melting.
Our band of losers meets up with the master thief Douchebag von Thiefenstein, and Ridley goes through his horribly contrived maze.
Contrived trap number one: wooshing, swinging blades.
Contrived trap number two: fire coming from the walls, controlled by fire.
Contrived trap number three: the walls are closing in, and Ridley is about to be impaled by spikes.
Douchebag is a double-crosser! Luckily blue-lipped guy is a moron, and the thieves are able to escape.
SNAILS! You were too beautiful for this world!
Thank god the cave of the dragon lord is on this map!
Located in said cave are countless treasures and a skeleton-holding a scepter.
Somehow the skeleton is able to lecture them about the proper usage of power.
Despite not having two IQ points to rub together, blue-lipped guy captures them, and the scepter is lost.
Profion releases Damodar from his debt. In the navy!
The red dragons swoop in! It's gonna be a heart-pounding civil war! (Not really.)
The terribly-rendered CG dragons tear each other asunder.
Savina is riding a gold dragon, and is nearly captured.
We don't really remember how, but trust us, it isn't very interesting: the scepter is destroyed.
Savina 1, Profion 0.
A tearful goodbye at the cemetery. For a minute, we think Snails might be returning, but whatever sequel is foisted upon us will have to be Snail-less.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: The two main characters in the movie are originally vagabond thieves and yet come to hold the salvation of an entire nation in their hands. What do you think this means in the context of the class struggle of the mid to late-Victorian age. In particular, is high society alone capable of perpetuating civilization, or is a certain underclass criminal element necessarily required for cultural sustainability?
ANG: I think the message of this movie is quite clear: real, authentic change cannot occur without a certain disregard for the law. Think of the great revolutions of our time, the Civil Rights movement among them. Change did not occur because activists were staid or content with the status quo. Ridley and Snails belong alongside history's great rabble-rousers. It is is only through disobedience that society can change for the better.
CRABS: The red dragon scepter is clearly a medieval weapon of mass destruction (WMD for short). If the empress had obtained this scepter, should could easily have destroyed all opposition and ruled her kingdom with an iron fist. In light of this potential totalitarianism, is Profion's civil war a justifiable preemptive strike?
ANG: If we were discussing only humans, the answer to your question would be clear-cut. However, we're discussing dragons, so things get quite a bit murkier. Neither Savina nor Profion can predict dragon behavior, and the dragons, lacking the power of reason, cannot think for themselves. Therefore, Profion is committing dragon genocide. Also, Profion had no reason to suspect that Savina would use the scepter in an unsavory fashion. In fact, he had every reason to think she was quite ethical. Therefore, the argument that he anticipated a dictatorship is unfounded.
CRABS: I'm intrigued to know what you make of the obvious social stratification in dragon society. I'm referring, of course, to the distinctions between the supposedly superior red dragons and the everyday gold dragons. If mythical creatures feel compelled to reinforce distinctions amongst themselves, what does this say about the potential for cooperation and multilateralism in human society?
ANG: I'm not convinced that the stratification of which you speak is enforced by the dragons themselves. In fact, I would argue that the dragons only ape what they are shown. The distinctions you discuss are determined by humans. Therefore, I think the movie illustrates how distinctions which come from outside forces are the most powerful.
CRABS: As an oddly-beloved yet misunderstood and awkward entertainer, the loss of Snails struck a resonant and emotional blow to the other characters in the film. Would you liken this turn of events to the current outpouring of remembrance and affection for the late Jacko?
ANG: I'm sorry, I...I can't talk about this. The loss of Snails is too raw.
For next time: Ang and Crabs are subjecting themselves to Glitter. That movie with Mariah Carey. They're terrified, but willing to go the extra mile for their beloved readers.
Rating: six sticks in the eye (and jewel-encrusted ten-side dice of shame).
Plot summary: (Warning: this is a plot filled with political intrigue and thrilling machinations. Read on at your peril.) Two young thieves, personality-free Ridley (Whalin) and Snails (Wayons), an Eddie Murphy-esque sidekick, live in the kingdom of Izmer, which is ruled by the idealistic young Empress Savina (Birch). In a plot twist presaging the current events in Iran, the evil wizard Profion (Irons), who's also some sort of politician, is looking for an ancient artifact. Possessing it will allow him to control red dragons, and by extension, stage a hare-brained coup. (We don't get it, either.) The two young idiots (er, thieves) break into the wizard's tower to steal stuff, where they meet a dowdy hottie in disguise apprentice wizardess and together embark on a snooze-filled quest to uncover the ancient secrets of power. Pursuing them all the while is the evil Damodar, Profion's minion, who also happens to look like a long-lost Village Person. You can tell he's evil because he wears blue lipstick. This motley crew finds a gigantic, fake-looking gemstone by navigating some sort of maze, and...it's hard for us to talk about this...we lose Snails to the winds of fate. He still had so much to give! So many cliched jokes to tell! Then, fifteen boring hours later, they find the scepter they've been looking for, but the blue-lipped guy steals it. He delivers it to Profion, who calls upon red dragons, igniting a dragon civil war. Ridley destroys the scepter, saving the kingdom. Snails, alas, is not alive to see this glorious day.
Key moments of interest:
Two scamps are separating people from their hard-earned cash.
Little do they know they will soon decide the fate of the entire kingdom.
Droll politicians drone on about meaningless nonsense. No, it's not CSPAN. It's the Izmer Senate.
A battle's a-brewin. Savina v. Profion smackdown!
Profion's minion Damodar is controlled via a bug in his ear. (Khan!)
The two thieves discuss the relative merits of small-time v. big-time operations. It's time for the big score.
Ridley and Snails bust into the wizard's tower, and we learn why Ridley is the brains behind the operation.
Snails is like a bull in a china shop. CLANG!
Surprisingly, someone hears the one man band that is Snails and comes to investigate.
Blue-lipped man (Damodar) finds them, and the wizardess creates a portal. They escape.
Cue some long, lame story about red dragons.
The two bumbling idiots (and unfortunate movie watchers) are now filled in on movie lore.
Savina sends her metal-bustiered minion after them.
Snails tries to get some, and is, not unsurprisingly, unsuccessful. But her elven heart is melting.
Our band of losers meets up with the master thief Douchebag von Thiefenstein, and Ridley goes through his horribly contrived maze.
Contrived trap number one: wooshing, swinging blades.
Contrived trap number two: fire coming from the walls, controlled by fire.
Contrived trap number three: the walls are closing in, and Ridley is about to be impaled by spikes.
Douchebag is a double-crosser! Luckily blue-lipped guy is a moron, and the thieves are able to escape.
SNAILS! You were too beautiful for this world!
Thank god the cave of the dragon lord is on this map!
Located in said cave are countless treasures and a skeleton-holding a scepter.
Somehow the skeleton is able to lecture them about the proper usage of power.
Despite not having two IQ points to rub together, blue-lipped guy captures them, and the scepter is lost.
Profion releases Damodar from his debt. In the navy!
The red dragons swoop in! It's gonna be a heart-pounding civil war! (Not really.)
The terribly-rendered CG dragons tear each other asunder.
Savina is riding a gold dragon, and is nearly captured.
We don't really remember how, but trust us, it isn't very interesting: the scepter is destroyed.
Savina 1, Profion 0.
A tearful goodbye at the cemetery. For a minute, we think Snails might be returning, but whatever sequel is foisted upon us will have to be Snail-less.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: The two main characters in the movie are originally vagabond thieves and yet come to hold the salvation of an entire nation in their hands. What do you think this means in the context of the class struggle of the mid to late-Victorian age. In particular, is high society alone capable of perpetuating civilization, or is a certain underclass criminal element necessarily required for cultural sustainability?
ANG: I think the message of this movie is quite clear: real, authentic change cannot occur without a certain disregard for the law. Think of the great revolutions of our time, the Civil Rights movement among them. Change did not occur because activists were staid or content with the status quo. Ridley and Snails belong alongside history's great rabble-rousers. It is is only through disobedience that society can change for the better.
CRABS: The red dragon scepter is clearly a medieval weapon of mass destruction (WMD for short). If the empress had obtained this scepter, should could easily have destroyed all opposition and ruled her kingdom with an iron fist. In light of this potential totalitarianism, is Profion's civil war a justifiable preemptive strike?
ANG: If we were discussing only humans, the answer to your question would be clear-cut. However, we're discussing dragons, so things get quite a bit murkier. Neither Savina nor Profion can predict dragon behavior, and the dragons, lacking the power of reason, cannot think for themselves. Therefore, Profion is committing dragon genocide. Also, Profion had no reason to suspect that Savina would use the scepter in an unsavory fashion. In fact, he had every reason to think she was quite ethical. Therefore, the argument that he anticipated a dictatorship is unfounded.
CRABS: I'm intrigued to know what you make of the obvious social stratification in dragon society. I'm referring, of course, to the distinctions between the supposedly superior red dragons and the everyday gold dragons. If mythical creatures feel compelled to reinforce distinctions amongst themselves, what does this say about the potential for cooperation and multilateralism in human society?
ANG: I'm not convinced that the stratification of which you speak is enforced by the dragons themselves. In fact, I would argue that the dragons only ape what they are shown. The distinctions you discuss are determined by humans. Therefore, I think the movie illustrates how distinctions which come from outside forces are the most powerful.
CRABS: As an oddly-beloved yet misunderstood and awkward entertainer, the loss of Snails struck a resonant and emotional blow to the other characters in the film. Would you liken this turn of events to the current outpouring of remembrance and affection for the late Jacko?
ANG: I'm sorry, I...I can't talk about this. The loss of Snails is too raw.
For next time: Ang and Crabs are subjecting themselves to Glitter. That movie with Mariah Carey. They're terrified, but willing to go the extra mile for their beloved readers.
Rating: six sticks in the eye (and jewel-encrusted ten-side dice of shame).
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