Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Twilight -- I Wish a Sparky Vampire Would Fall in Love with MEEEEEE!

Notes: 2008 will always be remembered as the year of the troop surge, the economic collapse, the election of one Barack Hussein Obama, and the Million Tween March on Washington, where a tidal wave of pre-teen adolescents descended on our Capitol, demanding more romanticized, vacuous entertainment. Congress responded to this by authorizing the Twilight Cinematic Reconstruction Stimulus Act of 2008. Only time will tell if this was a prudent move, but judging by the recent uptick in leading adolescent indicators, we can safely conclude that it was a popular one. Starring Kristen "Jailbait" Stewart, Robert "Pedo-Bear" Pattinson, and a lot of vampires. Yes, real vampires. We're serious. (We're not.)

Plot summary: (This is going to be short, what with not much plot to speak of.) Precocious Phoenix teenager Bella Swan (Stewart) is essentially abandoned by her mother and minor league baseball playing stepfather, and is promptly shipped off to the middle of nowhere (Forks, Washington) to live with her estranged father. Per teenage norm, Bella mopes around, but soon catches the eye of nearly every guy in school, despite having no discernible personality. None of these mere mortals interest her, however, at least not as much as a pallid, stone-faced vampire named Edward, who, being about 108 years old, is a bit old for her. They embark on an illogical and wholly unconvincing romantic journey, which after much breathless panting and lustful staring, finally comes to fruition, at which point these two supposedly find true love while evading dangerous carnivorous. We the audience rediscover how truly stupid it was to be a teenager.

Key moments of interest:
Bella learns that her mother and stepfather are leaving on a whirlwind tour of the U.S. to fulfill his practical minor league baseball aspirations.
Somehow this is more important than maintaining a stable home for their daughter.
Bella is summarily shipped off to Forks, Washington, and is surprisingly not issued a flannel shirt and "Git 'Er Done" hat upon entry.
We meet Bella's emotionally stunted father and his wacky cast of friends, including a kind old Indian and his son, Jacob (making up the final corner of a love triangle you could see from space).
Bella's dad buys her the Christmas gift all the kids want this year: a rusty, unreliable old truck.
It's the first day of school! Oh boy!
We're introduced to her stereotypical gang of friends, including the slightly nerdy but ultimately cool guy, the smart Asian girl, the possibly gay drama guy, and the bubble headed but lovable girl.
Cue lunchtime. Bella's new friends fill her in on the group of strangely pale (and adult-looking) group of mildly incestuous students sitting at a table near the back of the cafeteria.
Did Salman Rushdie write the screenplay for this movie?
One of them is DREAMY! Bella is instantly transfixed by his voluminous hair and alabaster skin.
Next in her exciting schedule is biology class, and the only seat available is the one next to Dreamy Edward from moments before.
In order to arrive at their table, she must brave the windy torrent of a conveniently placed fan in slo-mo.
(At this point during the movie, Crabs began dry-heaving. Luckily he had not eaten anything that day, and Ang's carpet was preserved.)
Dreamy Edward freaks out for no obvious reason, and is later heard requesting a different science class.
Bella, despite having spoken exactly two words to him, is devastated and commences moping yet again.
Later that day, Bella is nearly creamed by a truck, but Dreamy Edward stops it. WITH HIS BARE HANDS. There's something...different about him. (Besides being dreamy.) He does not want to discuss this supernatural occurrence, however, and rebuffs her.
Bella and friends take a trip to the beach (an obvious destination in Forks, Washington), and lo and behold, Jacob (who you'll remember as the third in our triangle) is there. He tells Bella that the Cullens (Dreamy Edward's family) are not allowed on his reservation (gee this foreshadowing is subtle...).
In a delightfully banal scene of adolescent activity, Bella and her mortal friends go prom dress shopping. Because she is totally helpless, Dreamy Edward must save her from a gang of would-be rapists.
He just can't stay away from her, or something equally gag-worthy.
Dreamy Edward and Bella take an ill-advised walk through the woods.
"Do you know what I am?"
Bella does, because vampire is of course the most logical conclusion.
Dreamy Edward puts Bella on his back and sprints to the top of a tree for no obvious reason.
Ah, every girl's dream...to be held captive by a vampire in a tree.
Even dreamy vampires have families...Dreamy Edward invites Bella for dinner, and she meets the whole bloodthirsty clan.
Clumsy Bella cuts herself, and her thoughtful hosts restrain themselves from murdering her on the spot.
This star-crossed duo is now the talk of the town...cue slo-mo scene of pointless walking.
(It's worth mentioning at this point that some folks in Forks have been dying mysteriously, supposedly the victims of some sort of cougar. Crabs wonders at this point if Demi Moore is on the loose. Oh, snap!)
Apparently vampires have typically American interests like baseball, so Bella joins them for a game in a thunderstorm.
All the vamps would give Babe Ruth a run for his money.
But wait...there are intruders! Seems our "cougar" is actually a trio of scofflaw vampires. They do not share the Cullens' disdain for murder, and one of them wants Bella for an appetizer. Seems she can't mask her tasty human smell.
Dreamy Edward unilaterally decides that Bella has to leave town, and they embark on a breakneck quest to get her things and throw her father off the trail.
Bella flies to Phoenix in a futile attempt to throw the (hot) vampire off of her trail, and at some point falls victim to a lame trick to convince her that said vampire has her mother.
She escapes from Dreamy Edward's clutches and heads off to save her mother...from a vampire with superhuman speed and agility. Yeah, she won't need any help at all.
James (the hungry vampire) is waiting for her at her old ballet school, and commences biting her (which is quite painful due to the vampire poison spreading through her system).
But Dreamy Edward, surprising no one, shows up suddenly to save her from her own stupidity.
And then all the Cullens are there. (Bwuh?)
Dreamy Edward is able to restrain himself as he sucks the poison from her arm (but he really, really wants to kill her), and Bella is saved.
Bella and Dreamy Edward goes to the prom. She wants to be a vampire. He says no. How romantic. (Swoon.)
The end (mercifully).

Snarky movie discussion:
Crabs: A lot has been made of the not so subtle sexual subtext of this film and considering the large age gap between the main characters (90 years or so was it?) and the fact that Bella is supposed to be 16 some viewers find this disturbing. With this in mind do you see the rampant popularity of Twilight as a manifestation of the larger liberal agenda of legalizing pedophilia?
Ang: An interesting question. I think it's important to note first that Bella and Edward do not actually have sex, but in fact engage in nothing more than kissing. This to me represents a rather conservative point of view -- that if you absolutely must fall in love with a sparkly vampire more than 100 years older than you, you must save matrimony for the marriage bed. However, we do see some liberalism injected into these sexually-charged scenes, since the two constantly find themselves alone, and with a bed nearby no less. The conservative agenda always wins out, thankfully, and they remain chaste.
Crabs: The movie disregards a longstanding vampire archetype when it is revealed that Edward does not perish in the sunlight but instead sparkles like a diamond. Is this alteration of vampire lore supposed to insinuate that Edward possesses an inner beauty that is hidden to most? If so what does this say about the persecution that vampires have historically endured? Is a vampire rights movement looming on the horizon?
Ang: Thank you for resisting the understandable urge to label this subversion of vampire mythology as "lame." As you insinuate, Edward's sparkling skin is actually indicative of a much more complex ideology. I believe that Edward (who, as some critics have noted, sparkles like he's been doused in glitter glue) represents the inner beauty that is inside of us all, but is in fact hidden when we are shrouded in darkness. Only by casting off the bonds of conformity (in this case, by drinking blood) can we locate our true selves. As to your question about vampire persecution, you know that I am a noted activist for Vampire-Americans, and have been for 50 years. It is my hope that the Twilight saga will shed light, so to speak, on the struggles vampires have historically faced, and remind us all that vampires are people, too. (Or used to be.)
Crabs: Our star-crossed lovers reside in the gloomy town of Forks, a depressed former logging boomtown. Do you believe Twilight was intended as a larger commentary of the challenges of finding love amid economic collapse and pervasive social ennui? Is this Romeo and Juliet for the Great Recession?
Ang: Some have speculated that Forks was chosen as a location for the Twilight saga because the lack of sunlight is a perfect cover for the Cullens, who would certainly stand out in, say, Florida. However, as you have indicated, there is a larger subtext at work here. In fact, few movies represent the horrors of our current recession as well as this one. Bella's father, for instance, is a cop with little money, while the Cullens are well off for no obvious reason. Charlie does not object to his daughter's romance, despite the fact that Edward is richer than he, indicating that he believes himself unable to rise out of his current economic circumstances. I believe Twilight presents a commentary on inter-racial and inter-religious dating, indicating both the perils and satisfaction present in pursuing a romance with one fundamentally different from one's self.

As a special treat for our faithful readers, Ang and Crabs would like to offer the first verse of their soon-to-be released song about Twilight, "Sparkle the Sparkly Vampire," sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon."
Ahem...
Sparkle the sparkly vampire
sparkles in the sun.
Hangin' 'round the schoolyard
tryin' to get him some.

Please feel free to post comments regarding potential subsequent verses.

For next time: Ang and Crabs are proud to present a new guest blogger, to be introduced later. The three will be tackling the classic Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space. (Pray for us.)

Rating: five glitter sticks in the eye.