Leprechaun 4 -- Oh Danny Boy, Shoot Me Now

Facts: In 1996, Compuserve and AOL battled it out for computing supremacy. The American public was so distracted by this raging war that they barely noticed a certain harbinger of the end of cinema: a little movie called Leprechaun 4. One can hardly blame the masses for being blindsided by this disaster of epic proportions. Just three years previous, Jurassic Park set a new standard for special effects. In 1996, Leprechaun 4 rewound the special effects clock to 1852. Additionally, the arts of key-gripping, directing, and acting were similarly affected. To put it in perspective, The Birth of a Nation was more advanced film-making. Starring Warwick "I Need Coke Money" Davis, and a bunch of other people whom you've never heard of before (a blissful ignorance for which you should be thankful).

Summary: Somewhere in space, on the same sound stage where they shot Charmin commercials, an evil leprechaun has captured a princess. His foolproof plan is to marry her and become a galactic leprechaun king. Her plan is to get rich with his gold, which she must really want because he looks like Freddy Krueger's hard-drinking Irish cousin/detached conjoined twin. This wily duo teams up to fight crime, and by "fight crime" we mean "kill a team of Marines sent to capture them for a crazed robo-scientist." We should also mention that this elite fighting force couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Your tax dollars at work, folks. Love blossoms, blood flows, clothes are lost, chasing ensues: "I wants me gold, or just a lobotomy please." Meanwhile, the intrepid movie-blogging duo of Ang & Crabs is seeking a new intern...the defense lawyer's only defense was to enter the entire film into evidence. Ang & Crabs went free.

In lieu of key moments of interests (which we are not including because to do so would indicate that this movie did in fact include anything interesting), we are pleased (okay, contractually obligated) to introduce a new section...Ang & Crabs' spectacular never before seen Filler Material Section Event. We would like to thank our intern for his work on this section.

Laughable special effects: Paper-mache cave, CGI spaceship, Doom-inspired door noises, disco ball lounge (every spaceship has one!), paintball gun pistols, visible wires (a leprechaun swinging from a rope is not scary), bad puppetry, paint by numbers stars.
Wise-cracking black guy: This one speaks for itself. (What'cho talkin' bout, Willis?")
Gratuitous nudity/sexual content: Boobs = a death sentence, cock that grows into leprechaun. (Yes, really, hot pans being torn asunder to reveal highly-practical French-cut panties, make out session in toxic waste dump, including Marine issued lacy bra, random and uninteresting drag show.
Glaring inconsistencies:
Uninspired (and ludicrous subplots): Robo-scientist is spliced with tarantula/scorpion DNA (predicable hijinks ensue), "romance" between insecure Marine grunt and inexplicably hot biologist, Sergeant who turns out to be a cyborg, slutty Marine.
Boss fights: Giant leprechaun in the airlock (blown out of airlock) and Dr. Mittenspider (destroyed by liquid nitrogen and shattered like T-100).
Terrible "acting": First scene through end credits, unexplained leprechaun soliloquies, consistently horrible drill Sergeant barking orders to motivate his troops, lack of acting abilities covered up with unbelievable "German" accent, disappearing/reappearing and morphing mystical Irish/English accent (as illusive as leprechaun gold).
Questionable scientific content: Friction in space, lightsaber leprechaun cane, regenerative powers of blood, robo-doctor's body, tarantula/human hybrid ("Somebody alert President Bush!"), a spaceship computer that runs on DOS, Honey, I shrunk the gold machine, guessing a password to stop auto destruct sequence.
Synthesizer-generated soundtrack: Seriously, in 1996? Devo must've come out of retirement and tricked out their Lite Brites to generate this tour de force soundtrack.

Snarky movie discussion:
(Introduction: ICBIWT is proud to announce that they are the recipients of the 2010 Irish Heritage Award, presented to those who best represent the spirit of the Irish people. We used the money to pay for a seance to contact the spirit of James Joyce. Some money was also spent on whisky and loose English lasses.)
CRABS: I see the leprechaun character as being a spiritual and physical representation of the "little man" in society. His constant quest to re-obtain his beloved "gold" could be seen as a metaphor of the middle class struggle to achieve material comfort and societal acceptance. Do you believe the consistent destruction and resurrection of the leprechaun is representative of the current pervasive bourgeoisie "never say die" ennui?
JASON (THE INTERN): The Irish are but one of countless waves of immigrants in the rich tapestry that is American culture. The Irish experienced prejudice as they struggled to obtain their "gold" in America and so many other immigrant groups have experienced the same. For example, the recent immigration bill in Arizona is but the most current backlash against these hard-working wannabe Americans. He therefore represents not only the bourgeoisie attitude but the desire by immigrant groups to achieve the bourgeoisie American dream.
ANG: The leprechaun this movie seeks to gain material riches rather than spiritual enlightenment. The Marines seek to stop him, in what I believe is a socialist plot to redistribute the means of production among more equitable terms. Please discuss this important movie plot as it relates to President Barack Obama's plan to turn our great nation into a Communist/Socialist/Fascist state.
JASON (THE INTERN): It is a common misconception among the uneducated filthy masses that fascists, who rule through military might, are the same as socialists, who work for the greater good fo the community. In Leprechaun 4, the Marines, with their large guns, seek only to oppress the leprechaun, and stand in the way of scientific progress, much like the fascist. They was no plan to redistribute wealth equitably, which as we all know, is President Obama's goal for America. It is truly unfortunate that so many Americans don't understand the glory and safety that a socialist state offers.
ANG: How about a question for the Ghost of James Joyce?
CRABS: The leprechaun is clearly a fan of gold. So given the current economic situation and the sky high price of gold, I would say he's a pretty prudent investor. So Mr. Joyce, what are your stock tips for long-time fiscal security?
JAMES JOYCE: Clouds and clovers, said Molly Bloom, as she put on her petticoat and entered the sodden Dublin streets, seeking fulfillment in the arms of young Steven, who worshipped her like pretzel salt wheat allergies, unfolding the crushing despair of her knowing existence, the playbill on the wall peals off.
JASON (THE INTERN): How would you relate the betrayal of the Irish people in this film to historic portrayals of the Irish potato famine in the tradition of western satire?
JAMES JOYCE: A ray of light on the kitchen stove illuminated the copper pot with a sheen as dull as the knife-edge of the British empire. Potatoes today, potatoes tomorrow, always potatoes. Peeling potatoes is like peeling your soul: raw and bitter and crunchy inside. Boil the pain, water the hurt, one of these days we'll make it to London. Maybe Jack will be there to say hello.
ANG: How would you place the context of this movie in post-9/11 perspective, considering that when this movie was released, 9/11 had not happened yet?
JASON (THE INTERN): When ugly foreigners with accents are allowed into your structures, or nations, they will inevitability try to destroy them and murder your loved ones and friends. The leprechaun stated he wanted power and when he was thwarted in this goal, he wreaked havoc by destroying property and ending American lives. You might say if more people had seen Leprechaun 4: In Space, 9/11 possibly could have been prevented, with its timely and eerily prescient warning about the future.

For next time: We're going to tempt fate and fly close to the cinematic event horizon.

Rating: nine sticks in the eye, laddie.