Monday, August 24, 2009

Street Fighter -- The Cape of Evil

Facts: Street Fighter began as an arcade game, later becoming popular on several consoles. It is, as its name implies, a fighting game. It has no plot to speak of. Therefore, the most logical option is to make a full-length movie based upon it -- who could star in such an obvious tour de force? Orson Wells? Sidney Potier? No, neither of them were available. We need someone whose acting chops are at least as formidable as his muscular frame. Enter...Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also starring Raul Julia (in what would be his last movie), Kylie Minogue, and a bunch of other people confined to the annals of history.

Plot summary: A magnificent cape, which happens to be worn by a tinpot dictator wanna-be, M. Bison (Julia) plots to take over a third-world country you've never heard of and therefore don't care about (that's because it doesn't exist). This ruffles the feathers of the U.N. -- er, we mean A.N. (Allied Nations), so they send in a meddlesome force spearheaded by none other than the fearless Col. Guile (Van Damme, at his cheesiest). Some low-budget action ensues, which somehow embroils the familiar Street Fighter cast in a deliciously sweet crap brulee, which goes down as easily as a jagged metal Krusty-O.

Key moments of interest:
The costume designer for M. Bison has his own opening credit. This does not bode well.
Crackpot Bison (complete with skull cape) gives us a tour of his impressive styrofoam lair.
M. Bison: "If I don't get 50 BILLION dollars, stat, I'll kill every one of these hostages."
(Taking a break to do some quick math: that's 2.5 billion per platinum-plated hostage.)
Requisite shoving hostages into pit scene. Necks break and so on.
Resident Asian reporter Chun-Li provides a convenient retrospective on the conflict in Shandaloo (it's really called that.)
Guile gives an impassioned interview and vows to bring down Bison at any cost. (Passion or constipation? We can't be sure.)
We learn that one of Bison's hostages is Guile's BFF Blanka.
Bison uses his satellite to broadcast his sinister message. Where's the FCC when you need them?
We meet two more of our protagonists (if you call them that), Ken and Ryu, who turn out to be upstanding citizens/gun-runners (and not very good ones).
Local criminal mastermind Sagat discovers that these two morons have sold him nerf guns, and a beat-fest commences.
Just as Ken and Ryu are about to get their asses kicked, the whole lot of them (masterminds and all) are arrested by A.N. officials and hauled off in a paddywagon
Guile decides they need a man on the inside of Sagat's operation (because, as we see, Sagat is running guns for M. Bison). Note the convoluted and highly complex plot at work here.
Ken and Ryu put on their snitch hats and proceed to ingratiate themselves into Sagat's inner circle.
Cue prison riot. OMG, they killed Guile!
Bison puts his real estate license to good use, revealing his plans for Bisonopolis. Condos starting in the mid-700s. Complete with half off all torture devices for your first year of occupancy.
Hottie reporter Chun-Li, reinforcing delightful stereotypes, dons her little black cat suit (like all reporters wear) and goes off to investigate Guile's death.
Turns out she has a grudge against...you guessed it, Mr. Popularity, M. Bison, who...killed her father or burned her village...or something.
OMG, Guile's a zombie! No, wait, he's just alive after all.
At M. Bison's coming out ball, Sagat & Co. feature Chun-Li's pseudo-seductive dance.
Bison attempts to pay Sagat with Bison Dollars (which will be worth a lot once Bison kidnaps the Queen of England) which leads to some words being exchanged.
Like all good throw-downs, this one ends with a truck bomb going off.
Meanwhile, back in Shandaloo City, Guile finalizes his plans to storm Bison's compound.
Insert yet another passionate speech, this one to his troops.
Not so fast! An A.N. bigwig pisses on Guile's fire, and we learn that they plan to give into Bison's ludicrous ransom demand.
Defying director orders, Guile soldiers on, and he, his right-hand woman, Cammy, and some disposable minions, cram into some sort of boat and head towards Bison's lair.
Oh, no! The cloaking device has failed! Our perfect plan is in danger!
Back in Bison's lab, Guile's BFF Blanka is being morphed into a killing machine with, inexplicably, green skin and red hair.
Bison Corp. is admirably concerned with safety, as they have plastic bags labeled as "DNA Mutagens" all over the place. Safety first!
Somehow (we're not sure how) Guile and crew get into the compound.
Fighting. (Seriously, it's not that interesting.)
Guile kills Bison! No, wait...Guile kills Bison! No, wait...
Blanka, who has retained some vestige of his humanity, helps them herd the hostages to safety. (Me ashamed to be in movie. Kill me, please.)
Guile's dead! No, wait...
This caravan of atrocities is taken out back and mercifully put down.

In lieu of our normal snarky movie discussion, in conjunction with VH1, ICBIWT will be doing a Behind the Scenes special.
First up...Cammy. You wouldn't think it, but this role was actually played by the talented singer Kylie Minogue. Whether this was an attempt on her part to expand her career into film, or perhaps she was just bored and looking for something to do, we'll never know. Following the movie, the pinnacle of her career, as it turned out, she fell into a deep depression. In the fall of 2005, friends held an intervention to confront her about her dependency on Fanta and Ricola cough drops, known on the black market as a Swiss Fizz. She was admitted to the Betty Ford Center for Cute Pop Stars, and promptly turned her life around. Kylie is currently touring in support of her new album, Revolutionary Devolutions Electronic Convolutions.
Moving right along...M. Bison. He's dead. Has been for awhile. Oops.
Next...Chung-Li (played by Ming-Na). The versatile actress used this movie as a springboard to launch herself into the stratosphere of Hong Kong action cinema. However, she was crippled in a tragic cobbling accident, and now tours the world as a motivational speaker. She primarily warns people against the dangers of excessive MSG.
Lastly...Guile. Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme himself. He went on to star in such notable films as the 2007 remake of The King and I (co-starring Sigourney Weaver and Gary Busey). He also reprised his role as Dumbledore in J.K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series, and he appeared also in lesser-known French cinema such as Les Enfants de Miserables, a touching tale of forbidden love and sultry passions set in the south of France in the early 1870s. In addition to his considerable movie work, he also founded a non-profit organization, the International Antarctic Orca Legal Defense Fund, which represents orcas on trial for genocide against seals. He was also chosen to take a trip to the International Space Station about one of the Russian space capsules, and became the first man to successfully defeat a space yeti in hand-to-hand zero G caged combat.

For next time: Ice Pirates, a reader-suggested film.

Rating: four sticks in the eye.