Street Fighter -- The Cape of Evil

Facts: Street Fighter began as an arcade game, later becoming popular on several consoles. It is, as its name implies, a fighting game. It has no plot to speak of. Therefore, the most logical option is to make a full-length movie based upon it -- who could star in such an obvious tour de force? Orson Wells? Sidney Potier? No, neither of them were available. We need someone whose acting chops are at least as formidable as his muscular frame. Enter...Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also starring Raul Julia (in what would be his last movie), Kylie Minogue, and a bunch of other people confined to the annals of history.

Plot summary: A magnificent cape, which happens to be worn by a tinpot dictator wanna-be, M. Bison (Julia) plots to take over a third-world country you've never heard of and therefore don't care about (that's because it doesn't exist). This ruffles the feathers of the U.N. -- er, we mean A.N. (Allied Nations), so they send in a meddlesome force spearheaded by none other than the fearless Col. Guile (Van Damme, at his cheesiest). Some low-budget action ensues, which somehow embroils the familiar Street Fighter cast in a deliciously sweet crap brulee, which goes down as easily as a jagged metal Krusty-O.

Key moments of interest:
The costume designer for M. Bison has his own opening credit. This does not bode well.
Crackpot Bison (complete with skull cape) gives us a tour of his impressive styrofoam lair.
M. Bison: "If I don't get 50 BILLION dollars, stat, I'll kill every one of these hostages."
(Taking a break to do some quick math: that's 2.5 billion per platinum-plated hostage.)
Requisite shoving hostages into pit scene. Necks break and so on.
Resident Asian reporter Chun-Li provides a convenient retrospective on the conflict in Shandaloo (it's really called that.)
Guile gives an impassioned interview and vows to bring down Bison at any cost. (Passion or constipation? We can't be sure.)
We learn that one of Bison's hostages is Guile's BFF Blanka.
Bison uses his satellite to broadcast his sinister message. Where's the FCC when you need them?
We meet two more of our protagonists (if you call them that), Ken and Ryu, who turn out to be upstanding citizens/gun-runners (and not very good ones).
Local criminal mastermind Sagat discovers that these two morons have sold him nerf guns, and a beat-fest commences.
Just as Ken and Ryu are about to get their asses kicked, the whole lot of them (masterminds and all) are arrested by A.N. officials and hauled off in a paddywagon
Guile decides they need a man on the inside of Sagat's operation (because, as we see, Sagat is running guns for M. Bison). Note the convoluted and highly complex plot at work here.
Ken and Ryu put on their snitch hats and proceed to ingratiate themselves into Sagat's inner circle.
Cue prison riot. OMG, they killed Guile!
Bison puts his real estate license to good use, revealing his plans for Bisonopolis. Condos starting in the mid-700s. Complete with half off all torture devices for your first year of occupancy.
Hottie reporter Chun-Li, reinforcing delightful stereotypes, dons her little black cat suit (like all reporters wear) and goes off to investigate Guile's death.
Turns out she has a grudge against...you guessed it, Mr. Popularity, M. Bison, who...killed her father or burned her village...or something.
OMG, Guile's a zombie! No, wait, he's just alive after all.
At M. Bison's coming out ball, Sagat & Co. feature Chun-Li's pseudo-seductive dance.
Bison attempts to pay Sagat with Bison Dollars (which will be worth a lot once Bison kidnaps the Queen of England) which leads to some words being exchanged.
Like all good throw-downs, this one ends with a truck bomb going off.
Meanwhile, back in Shandaloo City, Guile finalizes his plans to storm Bison's compound.
Insert yet another passionate speech, this one to his troops.
Not so fast! An A.N. bigwig pisses on Guile's fire, and we learn that they plan to give into Bison's ludicrous ransom demand.
Defying director orders, Guile soldiers on, and he, his right-hand woman, Cammy, and some disposable minions, cram into some sort of boat and head towards Bison's lair.
Oh, no! The cloaking device has failed! Our perfect plan is in danger!
Back in Bison's lab, Guile's BFF Blanka is being morphed into a killing machine with, inexplicably, green skin and red hair.
Bison Corp. is admirably concerned with safety, as they have plastic bags labeled as "DNA Mutagens" all over the place. Safety first!
Somehow (we're not sure how) Guile and crew get into the compound.
Fighting. (Seriously, it's not that interesting.)
Guile kills Bison! No, wait...Guile kills Bison! No, wait...
Blanka, who has retained some vestige of his humanity, helps them herd the hostages to safety. (Me ashamed to be in movie. Kill me, please.)
Guile's dead! No, wait...
This caravan of atrocities is taken out back and mercifully put down.

In lieu of our normal snarky movie discussion, in conjunction with VH1, ICBIWT will be doing a Behind the Scenes special.
First up...Cammy. You wouldn't think it, but this role was actually played by the talented singer Kylie Minogue. Whether this was an attempt on her part to expand her career into film, or perhaps she was just bored and looking for something to do, we'll never know. Following the movie, the pinnacle of her career, as it turned out, she fell into a deep depression. In the fall of 2005, friends held an intervention to confront her about her dependency on Fanta and Ricola cough drops, known on the black market as a Swiss Fizz. She was admitted to the Betty Ford Center for Cute Pop Stars, and promptly turned her life around. Kylie is currently touring in support of her new album, Revolutionary Devolutions Electronic Convolutions.
Moving right along...M. Bison. He's dead. Has been for awhile. Oops.
Next...Chung-Li (played by Ming-Na). The versatile actress used this movie as a springboard to launch herself into the stratosphere of Hong Kong action cinema. However, she was crippled in a tragic cobbling accident, and now tours the world as a motivational speaker. She primarily warns people against the dangers of excessive MSG.
Lastly...Guile. Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme himself. He went on to star in such notable films as the 2007 remake of The King and I (co-starring Sigourney Weaver and Gary Busey). He also reprised his role as Dumbledore in J.K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series, and he appeared also in lesser-known French cinema such as Les Enfants de Miserables, a touching tale of forbidden love and sultry passions set in the south of France in the early 1870s. In addition to his considerable movie work, he also founded a non-profit organization, the International Antarctic Orca Legal Defense Fund, which represents orcas on trial for genocide against seals. He was also chosen to take a trip to the International Space Station about one of the Russian space capsules, and became the first man to successfully defeat a space yeti in hand-to-hand zero G caged combat.

For next time: Ice Pirates, a reader-suggested film.

Rating: four sticks in the eye.

Super Mario Bros, aka. It's a Me, a Crappy Movie!

Facts: 1993 started out so well. Czechoslovakia ceased to be a country. Bill Clinton was sworn in as president. The Buffalo Bills lost their third consecutive Super Bowl. But all of that happy news was obliterated when a certain "movie" burst forth from the gates of Hell, leaving massacred childhood memories in its wake. Starring Bob Hoskins and, for some reason, John Leguizamo. And Dennis Hopper, who is undoubtedly wondering where his career went. We'd be glad to clue him in.

Plot summary: (A note: Ang & Crabs realize that the use of the term "plot summary" implies that the movie in question actually had a plot. Please understand that though this particular movie does not fit that description, they wish to use this term for continuity.) In the distant past, an asteroid fell to earth. The dinosaurs were wiped out...or were they? Among other catastrophes, the asteroid ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, creating a parallel universe in which lizard-human hybrids live...and plot revenge. In an effort to prevent President Koopa from using a reunited asteroid to take over the world, Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis), complete with an hunk of asteroid, is stashed in the human world, where she grows up to become a buxom grad student. And after catching the eye of Luigi, she manages to stumble upon the portal to the lizard kingdom. Our two bumbling plumbers, Mario and Luigi, who spend their days reinforcing Italian stereotypes, become embroiled in the lizard/human conflict when they agree to help Daisy fix a leaky pipe. Since this movie is theoretically based on the Mario Bros. games, Daisy is kidnapped and Mario and Luigi must save her and prevent the invasion of the lizard people. Which they do, of course, and it isn't very interesting or coherent.

Key moments of interest:
The brothers bumble around being "Italian."
"Oh no, our van is-a broken!"
Sexy mechanic Daisy comes to the rescue, and captures Luigi's heart. Aw!
Cue the double date from Hell: Luigi and Daisy, and Mario and some hooker.
L&D take a romantic stroll through her archeology dig...in the Bronx.
Nameless henchman sabotages the archaeological dig in the name of real estate progress.
The brothers rush to the rescue with their ridiculously over sized wrenches.
Our heroes wrestle with an epic water mane burst while Daisy is spirited away to the lizard kingdom by two reptilian thugs.
They find themselves in the dystopian reptile world, which looks eerily like New York City circa 1982.
The brothers meet a bouncer named Bertha, who will serve no real purpose in the movie.
We catch our first glimpse of impressive reptile world technology: jump boots!
"This slime is alive, and it seems to be helping us. What could it mean?"
Koopa whips out his devolution machine, or devolving machine, whatever. Either way it's ludicrous. He gets Jurassic on someone's ass.
Using jump boots and sheer force of will, M&L locate the incarcerated princess.
At some point, there's a heart-pounding 15mph car chase through the streets of NYC...er, the reptile kingdom.
The devolved goomba comes to their aid.
"Go go! Get back to the human world! We have to seal the portal -- it's the only way!"
Koopa becomes a Koopa kabob.
Our heroes jump through the portal seconds before it closes forever, saving the world as we know it (except Daisy, who stays behind with her newly-evolved father).
Daisy returns, "I need your help!"
This is clearly setting up a sequel, which, mercifully, has yet to be made.

Now to the phones. The ICBIWT phone lines are open, awaiting your calls. We'd like to hear your thoughts on this movie. First up, Elisa from Bothell.
ANG: Hi, Elisa.
CRABS: How's it hanging?
ELISA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm a long-time reader, first-time caller.
ANG: Excellent, glad to hear it.
CRABS: What's your question today?
ELISA: One of my fondest childhood memories is playing the Super Mario Bros games. When I reminisce about this, I can't help but wonder if you see any parallels between this movie adaptation and another childhood game, Pass the Pigs.
CRABS: Oh, I see some obvious similarities. For those who don't know, Pass the Pigs is a classic game in which players role pig-shaped dice in a quest for numerical supremacy. One of the most common poses in the game is a pig lying on its back as if it's just been slaughtered. I can't think of a more apt metaphor for this movie than that of a putrid pig lying on its back exposing its seedy underbelly.
ELISA: I'm wondering what effect this movie has had on your childhood memories. Has this destroyed your idyllic conception of the world as a place where innocence and happiness are still possible?
ANG: Yes. My therapy bills are astronomical, and if I ever get Dennis Hopper's address, I will send them to him. Before we watched this movie, I was a happy-go-lucky, productive member of society. Now I spend my days with a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of white pills, and Growing Pains DVDs. Clearly I am a damaged individual.
CRABS: Thanks for calling, Elisa! We appreciate your candor. Next up on the lines, we have Rene from Redmond. Hi, Rene.
ANG: Hi there.
RENE: Well, I'd like to say it's a pleasure calling in, but considering the topic at hand, I won't insult you with such formalities.
ANG: We appreciate that.
RENE: I'm intrigued by the devolving machine. Do you think that the presence of this machine in the movie hints at some sort of debate about the place of capital punishment in lizard society.
CRABS: Well, the devolving machine isn't actually fatal, and yet is used as punishment for perceived enemies of the state. I think this clearly implies that lizard society at some point in the past had an extensive debate regarding the appropriate punishments for criminals, and obviously concluded that, while rehabilitation is not always assured, the odds in favor of it occurring are increased when intelligence is applied in our criminal justice system.
ANG: An interesting point. I would, however, point out, that Koopa is intensely proud of his evolved state. So in choosing to devolve a criminal, he is, in essence, rendering that individual sub-human. This is a clear parallel to various genocidal regimes in history, all of which viewed their victims as less than human. So in this way, Koopa is inflicting upon these criminals the ultimate punishment -- the denial of their humanity.
RENE: Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind when I...
CRABS: Okay, thanks for calling!
ANG: Bye, Rene! Next up, Chelsea from Seattle.
CRABS: Hey, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm wondering if you have any advice or up-and-coming bad movie bloggers. As you know, children all over the world look up to you and want to emulate you.
CRABS: Well, I think a depraved childhood is probably a prerequisite for being a blogger.
ANG: A good one, at least.
CRABS: True, true. It's hard to say what separates from the wheat from the chaff in the blogosphere. I spent many years studying various topics in the humanities in sciences, preparing for my role as an international blog celebrity. Blog-lebrity, if you will. So I have to say a general comprehensive knowledge of pretty much everything coupled with a keen insight into the foibles of humanity is key.
ANG: I just want to add that some cherished celebrities will tell you that anyone can achieve anything they put their mind to. We disagree. A talent such as ours, which, let's face it, transcends the boundaries of the human intellect, cannot be learned. One could argue that certain skills, which may augment an existing pre-disposition to greatness, can be learned. However, the potential must be there. So any child who wishes to be like us but who lacks a certain spark should give up now.
CHELSEA: That made no sense to me. You are an idiot.
CRABS: Have you read the blog?
ANG: Thanks for your call! That's all the time we have for today!

For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle The Day After Tomorrow. Ugh. We'll be accepting your questions via telegraph and instant messenger.

Rating: five sticks in the eye (and a meatball where the sun don't shine).