Super Mario Bros, aka. It's a Me, a Crappy Movie!

Facts: 1993 started out so well. Czechoslovakia ceased to be a country. Bill Clinton was sworn in as president. The Buffalo Bills lost their third consecutive Super Bowl. But all of that happy news was obliterated when a certain "movie" burst forth from the gates of Hell, leaving massacred childhood memories in its wake. Starring Bob Hoskins and, for some reason, John Leguizamo. And Dennis Hopper, who is undoubtedly wondering where his career went. We'd be glad to clue him in.

Plot summary: (A note: Ang & Crabs realize that the use of the term "plot summary" implies that the movie in question actually had a plot. Please understand that though this particular movie does not fit that description, they wish to use this term for continuity.) In the distant past, an asteroid fell to earth. The dinosaurs were wiped out...or were they? Among other catastrophes, the asteroid ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, creating a parallel universe in which lizard-human hybrids live...and plot revenge. In an effort to prevent President Koopa from using a reunited asteroid to take over the world, Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis), complete with an hunk of asteroid, is stashed in the human world, where she grows up to become a buxom grad student. And after catching the eye of Luigi, she manages to stumble upon the portal to the lizard kingdom. Our two bumbling plumbers, Mario and Luigi, who spend their days reinforcing Italian stereotypes, become embroiled in the lizard/human conflict when they agree to help Daisy fix a leaky pipe. Since this movie is theoretically based on the Mario Bros. games, Daisy is kidnapped and Mario and Luigi must save her and prevent the invasion of the lizard people. Which they do, of course, and it isn't very interesting or coherent.

Key moments of interest:
The brothers bumble around being "Italian."
"Oh no, our van is-a broken!"
Sexy mechanic Daisy comes to the rescue, and captures Luigi's heart. Aw!
Cue the double date from Hell: Luigi and Daisy, and Mario and some hooker.
L&D take a romantic stroll through her archeology dig...in the Bronx.
Nameless henchman sabotages the archaeological dig in the name of real estate progress.
The brothers rush to the rescue with their ridiculously over sized wrenches.
Our heroes wrestle with an epic water mane burst while Daisy is spirited away to the lizard kingdom by two reptilian thugs.
They find themselves in the dystopian reptile world, which looks eerily like New York City circa 1982.
The brothers meet a bouncer named Bertha, who will serve no real purpose in the movie.
We catch our first glimpse of impressive reptile world technology: jump boots!
"This slime is alive, and it seems to be helping us. What could it mean?"
Koopa whips out his devolution machine, or devolving machine, whatever. Either way it's ludicrous. He gets Jurassic on someone's ass.
Using jump boots and sheer force of will, M&L locate the incarcerated princess.
At some point, there's a heart-pounding 15mph car chase through the streets of NYC...er, the reptile kingdom.
The devolved goomba comes to their aid.
"Go go! Get back to the human world! We have to seal the portal -- it's the only way!"
Koopa becomes a Koopa kabob.
Our heroes jump through the portal seconds before it closes forever, saving the world as we know it (except Daisy, who stays behind with her newly-evolved father).
Daisy returns, "I need your help!"
This is clearly setting up a sequel, which, mercifully, has yet to be made.

Now to the phones. The ICBIWT phone lines are open, awaiting your calls. We'd like to hear your thoughts on this movie. First up, Elisa from Bothell.
ANG: Hi, Elisa.
CRABS: How's it hanging?
ELISA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm a long-time reader, first-time caller.
ANG: Excellent, glad to hear it.
CRABS: What's your question today?
ELISA: One of my fondest childhood memories is playing the Super Mario Bros games. When I reminisce about this, I can't help but wonder if you see any parallels between this movie adaptation and another childhood game, Pass the Pigs.
CRABS: Oh, I see some obvious similarities. For those who don't know, Pass the Pigs is a classic game in which players role pig-shaped dice in a quest for numerical supremacy. One of the most common poses in the game is a pig lying on its back as if it's just been slaughtered. I can't think of a more apt metaphor for this movie than that of a putrid pig lying on its back exposing its seedy underbelly.
ELISA: I'm wondering what effect this movie has had on your childhood memories. Has this destroyed your idyllic conception of the world as a place where innocence and happiness are still possible?
ANG: Yes. My therapy bills are astronomical, and if I ever get Dennis Hopper's address, I will send them to him. Before we watched this movie, I was a happy-go-lucky, productive member of society. Now I spend my days with a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of white pills, and Growing Pains DVDs. Clearly I am a damaged individual.
CRABS: Thanks for calling, Elisa! We appreciate your candor. Next up on the lines, we have Rene from Redmond. Hi, Rene.
ANG: Hi there.
RENE: Well, I'd like to say it's a pleasure calling in, but considering the topic at hand, I won't insult you with such formalities.
ANG: We appreciate that.
RENE: I'm intrigued by the devolving machine. Do you think that the presence of this machine in the movie hints at some sort of debate about the place of capital punishment in lizard society.
CRABS: Well, the devolving machine isn't actually fatal, and yet is used as punishment for perceived enemies of the state. I think this clearly implies that lizard society at some point in the past had an extensive debate regarding the appropriate punishments for criminals, and obviously concluded that, while rehabilitation is not always assured, the odds in favor of it occurring are increased when intelligence is applied in our criminal justice system.
ANG: An interesting point. I would, however, point out, that Koopa is intensely proud of his evolved state. So in choosing to devolve a criminal, he is, in essence, rendering that individual sub-human. This is a clear parallel to various genocidal regimes in history, all of which viewed their victims as less than human. So in this way, Koopa is inflicting upon these criminals the ultimate punishment -- the denial of their humanity.
RENE: Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind when I...
CRABS: Okay, thanks for calling!
ANG: Bye, Rene! Next up, Chelsea from Seattle.
CRABS: Hey, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm wondering if you have any advice or up-and-coming bad movie bloggers. As you know, children all over the world look up to you and want to emulate you.
CRABS: Well, I think a depraved childhood is probably a prerequisite for being a blogger.
ANG: A good one, at least.
CRABS: True, true. It's hard to say what separates from the wheat from the chaff in the blogosphere. I spent many years studying various topics in the humanities in sciences, preparing for my role as an international blog celebrity. Blog-lebrity, if you will. So I have to say a general comprehensive knowledge of pretty much everything coupled with a keen insight into the foibles of humanity is key.
ANG: I just want to add that some cherished celebrities will tell you that anyone can achieve anything they put their mind to. We disagree. A talent such as ours, which, let's face it, transcends the boundaries of the human intellect, cannot be learned. One could argue that certain skills, which may augment an existing pre-disposition to greatness, can be learned. However, the potential must be there. So any child who wishes to be like us but who lacks a certain spark should give up now.
CHELSEA: That made no sense to me. You are an idiot.
CRABS: Have you read the blog?
ANG: Thanks for your call! That's all the time we have for today!

For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle The Day After Tomorrow. Ugh. We'll be accepting your questions via telegraph and instant messenger.

Rating: five sticks in the eye (and a meatball where the sun don't shine).