Crossroads -- I'm not a girl, not quite an actress.

Facts: Britney Spears is in this movie. That should be all you need to know, but we'd never leave you hanging like that...Late one night in 2001, the oddball collection of degenerates, high school dropouts, and crack addicts at MTV Films, apparently suffering from collective delusions, decided it would be an excellent idea to put Britney Spears in a movie. Society as a whole was never the same again. Starring some people you've never heard of, such as Anson Mount, Zoe "Uhura" Saldana, and Taryn Manning, and, inexplicably, some people you have heard of, namely Dan "Why Am I in this Again?" Aykroyd and Kim "Cougar" Cattrall.

Plot summary: Three inseparable childhood friends make a pact to be BFFs in the backwoods of Georgia. After interring their hopes and dreams (we're not actually making that up, they stick some crap in a wooden box), they inevitably drift apart and end up mired in predictable stereotypes. Lucy (Spears) is the good, obedient girl, Mimi (Manning) is the slutty bad girl, and Kit (Saldana) is the stuck-up prissy girl. There, all of the stereotypes are covered. Defying all social pressures, they make good on their promise to dig up their time capsule on the night of high school graduation. At some point during their grave-digging escapade, Mimi divulges her foolproof plan to strike it rich in California via some sort of open-ended talent competition. Initially, the other girls refuse to go, but reluctantly agree after discovering their own personal, and cliched, motivations -- Kit wants to embark on a transcontinental booty call with her douchebaggy boyfriend, and Lucy is obsessed with finding her long-lost mother (Cattrall). Rounding out this motley crew is Ben (Mount), a presumed felon and murderer who just happens to play one sweet-ass guitar and drive one sweet-ass convertible. After absconding in the middle of the night, the girls embark on a life-changing series of driving and singing montages, self-discovery, and bile-inducing female camaraderie. Eventually this crap parade lands them in Los Angeles, where lo and behold Spears discovers her inner woman (and we re-discover our lunches).

Key moments of interest:
Spears does an impromptu promo for Victoria's Secret.
The human buzzkill that is Dan Aykroyd ruins it.
Britney was abandoned as a young child by her wanderlust mother.
This hasn't kept her from scholastic achievement, however.
Spears and her nerdy lab partner make a list of reasons to have sex.
None of them proves especially convincing, and you can almost see his erection fall when she backs out.
Improbably, the girls meet up in the woods to unearth their time capsule.
Spears: "I brought the shovel!"
Mimi: "I got the flashlight!"
Kit: "I've got my shawl and bitchy attitude!"
A pact is formed: California or bust! But how to get there?
I know: we'll ask this sketchy, convicted felon to drive us!
Ben's sweet-ass convertible breaks down in Louisiana, and they don't have the money to fix it.
What to do? But wait! If only there were a city around where we could find an impromptu karaoke contest for cold, hard cash.
The girls, with Ben in tow, saunter into New Orleans. Girls Gone Wild is nowhere to be seen.
"If we want to win this karaoke contest, we've gotta sex it up!" (Half the movie budget was spent on body glitter for this scene.)
Joan Jett rolls over in her grave (or she would if she was dead) at the first insulting cords of "I Love Rock and Roll."
Creepy perverts in the audience end up forking over thousands to these scantily-clad, barely legal teenagers.
Sir Ben comes to Brit's rescue in the bar. Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.
With the car fixed it's off to Arizona, where Britney's mother is surely going to be very happy to see her.
Brit's mom: "Oh, by the way, I never loved you, and you were a mistake. Now get out of my house." (Didn't see that one coming.)
The gang arrives in LA, and checks into El Roacho Motelo. Kit and Mimi head out to pop in on Kit's douchebaggy boyfriend.
Brit and Ben stay behind and make Jesus cry. (If your dad could see you now.)
Meanwhile, back to La Casa de Douchebaggo, Dylan (Kit's betrothed) is entertaining when the girls arrive.
We learn Prince Charming is not only cheating on Kit, but raped Mimi and is the father of her bastard child.
Oh, the perils of underage drinking!
Let's get emotional and run down these stairs...
Gravity 1, Mimi 0.
Brit's dad shows up at the hospital, where the girls are comforting Mimi, who's had a miscarriage.
Everyone's surprisingly okay with this turn of events and decide to compete in the contest anyway.
Unfortunately, the girls just didn't have what it took to win the contest and went back home to Georgia a little wiser and a lot more mature.
Oh, who are we kidding...
Of course they won! And everyone was touched, blah blah.

Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: Spears's transformation from a do-no-wrong good girl to an unpredictable bad girl is quite dramatic. Do you think this parallels her eventually mental breakdown?
ANG: Oh, absolutely. That's part of how this movie is so poignant, and why I bought it for you as a birthday gift. Just as Britney's Lucy finds her own way through the world without the influence of her father, our real life Brit must travel life's road alone, and encounter many pitfalls along the way. I'm not sure if the real-life Britney actually lost her virginity to a convicted felon in a cheap motel room, but otherwise, the parallels are clear.
CRABS: In its most relevant form, this movie is a tale of children discovering themselves through personal and social tribulations. As such, do you think this movie offers a valid paradigm for new parents coaxing their daughters into maturity?
ANG: Though I do believe the movie touches on that idea, I do not think it serves as a complete example. The women in the movie all lack decent mother figures; in fact, the only good parent in the movie is Lucy's father. So if anything, I think the movie serves as a cautionary tale for bad parenting. If you're a bad parent, there's a good chance you child will end up drenched in glitter ruining a Joan Jett song and sleeping with recent acquaintances in LA roach motels.
CRABS: I think it's time to open some viewer mail.
ANG: We have been getting quite a few emails and whatnot.
CRABS: I've been up for 48 hours straight reading this past week's mail. This first one is from Roger in Atlanta.
ANG: Isn't be half of the great rock duo Mixmasta Whitson & The Cool MD?
CRABS: I wouldn't know anything about that.
ANG: But...
CRABS: ANYWAY, Roger writes, "As a pillor of the philosophical and literary community, I feel compelled to ask the both of you what you think you're accomplishing or adding to the world by writing this plebeian blog."
ANG: I think I detect some sour grapes. As I recall, Roger begged to be involved with the blog. But to answer your question, sir, Crabs and I feel that we are adding to the existing discourse re: bad movies in a relevant, synergistic way.
CRABS: I think your letter, and the tone of your writing, in addition to demonstrating an ignorance of contemporary cultural memes, belies the stogy anachronistic, and downright futile nature of contemporary academia, for I can only assume you are writing this in some ivy-covered academic hall.
ANG: I want to invite Roger to contribute to the blog if he's so inclined. We would welcome his input. I think we should move on from this topic now, for the sake of Crabs's blood pressure. So the next letter is Jason from London. He writes, "Ang, is it true you wrote the original screenplay to E.T., and if so, what was it like to work with Steven Spielberg?" Thank you for asking, Jason, but I'm afraid you're a bit off-base. While I did provide the inspiration for Drew Barrymore's character in the movie, I did not write the screenplay as such. Steven called frequently for my input, but I did not have an official writing credit as it were.
CRABS: Okay, enough about your sordid past. Let's take one more letter and then wrap this up. I have to get to pilates class by six o'clock. Our last letter is from George in Crawford, TX. George writes, "I'm recently unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands. I think my marriage is failing, and I'm wondering if you have any advice."
ANG: Well, I think you have us confused with Dear Abby, but we'll take a stab at this anyway.
CRABS: As a thrice-divorced father of twelve illegitimate children, my advice to you would be to run, run far away, change your name to something inconspicuous like Julio, and re-invent yourself as an Internet celebrity. Trust me, it works. Clearly the old lady is holding you down, man. Fly. Fly like a bird.
ANG: Thrice-divorced? I don't think it counts if you're practicing bigamy. Anyway, George, perhaps your wife is simply upset because you lack the energy you used to have. She's probably used to you being busy at all hours, starting illegal wars and whatnot. If you want to fix your marriage, I suggest a weekly date night. Try paying some attention to her, for chrissakes.
CRABS: That's all the time we have for today! Thanks for the mail!

For next time: Ang and Crabs finally make good on their promise to blog The Day After Tomorrow. You'll be sorry...

Rating: six sticks in the eye (and two platinum number one hit tiki torches to the spine).