Armageddon -- I Don't Want to Miss a Thing (Except really, we want to miss this movie).

Facts: 1998 was a bad year for movies, unless you like asteroids. The hulking older brother of the two summer flicks, Armageddon is looming on the horizon of mediocracy waiting to burst upon the scene with a flourish of ill-conceived subplot and horrible dialogue. The nation was about to weep silently for star-crossed lovers and the untimely death of Bruce Willis, while they were trembling nervously awaiting the fate of humanity to be decided. Starring Bruce "It's a Chopper" Willis, Ben "I Used to Date Jennifer Lopez" Affeck, Liv "Could I Be Any More Waifish" Tyler, Billy Bob "Mr. Jolie" Thornton, and, for some reason, Steve Buscemi.

Plot summary: Malevolent asteroid sets its sights on Mother Earth. It announces its presence by destroying the space shuttle and several iconic world cities. NASA's best and brightest convene to devise a plan to stop impending disaster. Their conclusion: humanity's best hope is a ragtag team of oil drillers. After extensive training montages, this band of unlikable losers is hurled into space aboard the most advanced space shuttles ever. One of the shuttles contains said losers, the other is occupied by actual astronauts. You know, trained professionals. You get one guess as to which one ultimately saves the day. This motley crew encounters a stereotypical Russian guy while docking at his space station. Igor the cosmonaut, who of course wears a fuzzy hat, blows up the space station, nearly dooming the entire mission. One shuttle crash lands with but one survivor (Affleck), and it's up to the one remaining to carry out this zany, and obviously foolproof, plan. The crew starts drilling, but a broken drill bit puts the mission in jeopardy. Just when all hope looks lost, Affleck and his friend (whoever he is) show up to save the day. Bruce Willis ends up staying behind to detonate the nuke. Humanity is saved. Oh, and a few more things: Willis is Tyler's father, and she and Affleck are in love. Aerosmith plays. It's all quite nauseating.

Key moments of interest:
Space shuttle plus meteorite equals kaboom!
NYC plus meteorites equals OMG!
Cheese eating surrender monkeys get their comeuppance.
The president is incredulous.
"How could this have happened?"
Billy Bob Jolie and his NASA cronies devise a foolproof plan.
Who knows how to drill? Oil workers. Cue Willis.
Overprotective father engages in a homicidal shootout on an oil rig, much to the dismay of his co-workers.
Affleck survives, unfortunately.
Close up on Willis looking beleaguered and gruff.
"Well, the fate of the world depends on it. I guess we have no choice. My men will do it."
Personnel round up montage. We meet the gang. We're nervous.
We have pretty boy, surly guy, sleazy guy, rehabilitated guy (who just wants to make his son proud), fat lovable guy, and mandatory black guy.
Training montage. Because oil drillers can become astronauts in a few months. Sure.
Affleck knows what he's doing, but no one believes him. Give this guy a chance!
Startling revelation: the oil drillers are the best.
Pretty boy and the waif get schmoopy. Animal crackers are inserted in places they shouldn't go. For some reason, this turns her on.
Obligatory dramatic slow walk to the shuttle.
1...2...3...blast off!
Der crazy cosmonik blows up der Mir station.
Then some stuff happens.
One shuttle makes it to the asteroid.
Whose idea was it to fly through all this debris, anyway?
They miss their landing target, but goddammit, they're drillers! They'll make it work!
Affleck defies all known laws of gravity and physics and drives a dune buggy across the asteroid to meet up with the others. (Avert your scientific eyes.)
The drill get stuck but Affleck decides to keep pushing. The mission is saved.
Buscemi goes wild west on everyone with the Gatling gun they brought along for some reason. Must have been space dementia.
Someone has to stay behind to detonate the nuke, and of course Bruce Willis volunteers to do it.
Insert tearful goodbye to his daughter on Earth. Sniff.
They return to a hero's welcome.
Roll credits. Cue Aerosmith.

Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: The song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith plays a prominent role in this movie. What do you think this signifies about the importance of bad music to the future of humanity?
CRABS: One could easily argue that music is the soul of any civilization. Much like the ancient Romans destroyed themselves through indulgence and decadence, the ubiquity of good music in today's society could been sign of a harbinger of its collapse. Therefore, one could logically conclude that the perpetuation of civilization as we know it should be predicated upon embracing the antithesis of things that are good, hence bad music. I should add that if that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay, as I see this as one of the more subtle insights that the movie has to offer.
ANG: What do you make of Bruce Willis's sacrifice in a post 9/11 world?
CRABS: I think that much like the war on terrorism, the asteroid is an unknown and distant menace. I think Bruce Willis represents none other than western civilization in its entirety. His self-sacrifice and subsequent passing of the torch, so to speak, to the younger Affleck, could be interpreted as a suggestion that in order the destruction of old conventions and adoption of new doctrine is a necessary catalyst for social change.
ANG: Do you think that the success of our movie's heroes, the oil drillers turned astronauts, indicates a problem with current or past NASA culture? Are we dooming ourselves by relying on well-trained individuals?
CRABS: Undoubtedly so. And here's why. Intelligence, training, and professionalism will only take you so far. From what I've gathered about the culture of NASA and other large institutions, there's very little respect for the contributions of pluck, moxie, and a healthful disdain for authority figures. Perhaps these noble attributes could invigorate an uninspired culture of conformity and oppression.
ANG: Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck share a poignant, star-crossed love in the movie. In one pivotal scene, Affleck attempts to turn Tyler on by inserting animal crackers into her pants. What do you think this signifies about modern romance and the future of the family?
CRABS: Well, clearly in today's society family as a social unit has become devalued and diluted. Some might argue that this is due to overriding societal conventions dictating what can and cannot be accomplished with the erogenous zones. I find their inclusion of food indicative of changing cultural memes regarding the old taboos of sex and gender identity. Fifty years ago such activities would have been branded Communist, and those who engage in them would have been run out of town. But now I see activities like this in the park every weekend. Some might argue that this represents a covert attempt and liberalization of American culture. To those poeple I say: lighten up and go with the flow, old-timers.

For next time: Ang and Crabs actually sat through Super Mario Bros, and now you have to hear about it. Since this bastardized their childhood memories of this game, you could at least do them the favor of reading the next post.

Rating: four sticks in the eye. Uninspired yet wholly unmemorable.