Note: Ang & Crabs are proud to announce that this is the first post which includes the whit and wisdom of our new intern, Jason.
Facts: I'm no Mayan, but if I was, I would be shitting my loincloth right now, for as a Mayan in the know, I would be privy to the end of the world as we know it, which just happens to be in two years, so get ready. Late in the fall of 1952, Professor Indiana Jones and a small but loyal cadre of associates (including Nicolas Cage; okay, John Cusack) were exploring an isolated set of ruins in the Yucatan peninsula and discovered something so devastating that it took 57 years to come to fruition. In a small nook at the heart of a blood-stained temple, Dr. Jones et al found the screenplay for 2012. Released in the go-go year of 2009 (as in go-go to the unemployment office), 2012 would prove to be the emotional salve unifying a distraught nation and providing the impetus for the economic recovery and prosperity that we are enjoying to this day. Starring John "Nicolas Case" Cusack, Woody "I'm Playing Myself" Harrelson, Amanda "When You Can't Afford Any Other Talent" Peet, Danny "I've Really Sunk to a New Low" Glover, and Thandie "Backless Beyonce" Newton. And a host of other Julliard junkies (all non-union).
Plot summary: In 2008, scientists in Bollywood discover a pool of boiling water two miles under the earth in a coal mine. This proverbial "canary" is a neutrino detection device that shows massive solar flares are bombarding the earth with neutrinos. The world's sole black scientist is on the case, however. Four years in the future, Nicolas Cage (Cusack) is a limo driver and gigantic failure of a father and an author who takes his kids camping in Yellowstone National Park, where he meets batshit crazy radio host Charlie (Harrelson) and discovers that the earth is literally about to explode. His ex-wife (Peet) and her shmuck of a boyfriend (some guy) join him on his quest to escape certain death. Oh, and they meet up with an insufferable Russian billionaire and his trophy girlfriend, with his bratty twins in tow. Trust us, you don't care about a single one of those people. Cue two hours of disaster porn and an ending straight out of a script writing for dummies book.
Key moments of interest:
Cue exploding solar flares. (straight out of Galaga, circa 1980).
The sun is menacing us from afar. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...)
India's hot, but this is ridiculous! (Ouch!)
(Our science advisor, Dr. John, decided to leave the movie after about five minutes.)
A scientist goes to the ball to talk to the president, but shockingly, no one believes him.
Thirsty anyone? Dr. Anheiser, the president's douche-baggy advisor, is eventually persuaded.
(After less than a minute of convincing, the scientist is our world's most important person. He's subsequently shipped off to a briefing session.)
Character development:
Jackson Curtis (Cage/Cusack) is estranged from his ex-wife and kids. His son hates him (with good reason) and his daughter still wets the bed. (Dysfunctional family alert, number 1!).
He also thinks a limo is a good vehicle for camping.
Jackson takes his kids to Yellowstone to show them his and his wife's make-out spot (what?). He also happens to have written a book about the end of the world, panned for its optimistic and happy ending. Foreshadowing rocks!
There they meet Charlie (Harrelson) in the forest/Ground Zero. Charlie is full of gems, including flash animation prophesying the end of the world.
He also tells Jackson that the government is building spaceships, the location of which he just happens to have lying around. These maps will not be important later...
Back in Yuppie Town, the earth (evidenced by a grocery store) is splitting in two, and mom Kate demands the return of her kids.
At some point we're introduced to a lovable odd couple on some random cruise ship, the members of a godawful jazz duo.
The second Jackson returns to California (to pick up his kids, and for some reason, his ex-wife and her boyfriend) the earth begins to crumble.
Cue half an hour of limo jumping and wreckage. This dude should be driving for NASCAR.
The limo drives through buildings, under buildings, over buildings, and through freakin' time.
Much to the delight of everyone outside of California, California falls into the ocean.
The only people to escape are the morons in the limo, because it just so happens that Kate's boyfriend is a pilot (sort of).
Now that the world is literally falling to bits, where should we go? Back to Yellowstone!
After random chicanery involving an RV, Jackson obtains a map containing the locations of the spaceships. He nearly falls into the center of the earth, blah blah.
In the only scene worth watching in the movie, Yellowstone explodes just as our intrepid heroes fly away in their stolen plane.
Cue superfluous, non-special effects laden dialogue in Washington, DC.
The world's only black scientist turns out to be in disgrace because his timeline is a bit off.
Turns out the world is ending a bit earlier than expected.
They upgrade their crappy plane, by way of the Russian billionaire (who's watching a boxing match while the world burns).
Unfortunately, his girlfriend and stupid kids come along too.
One of our jazz duo is the father of the aforementioned scientist, and they have one last conversation before a tsunami hits the cruise ship.
For some reason, the newly-acquired jumbo jet is full of cars (none of which will come in handy, of course).
This is your captain speaking. Our stop in Hawaii has been delayed due to the fact that the entire island is on fire.
Next stop: China, the savior of humanity.
Ze plane has no ze landing gear. We have to land ze plane on ze glacier, comrade.
Instructions for exiting plane on glacier: step one, get in sports car; step two, bounce on ice; step three: drive sports car out of plane; step four, watch plane fall off of cliff, killing Russian pilot (who happened to be giving the ole party line to...oh, who cares?).
In turns out humanity's grand plan to save itself involves building a series of giant boats that will presumably float on the thousand-mile high tidal wave coming at them.
Why they didn't bother to simply build an underground vault is a matter for debate and military contractors' budgets.
(At this point in time our science advisor was found in a corner loading bullets into a revolver and had to be restrained for his own safety.)
However, there is not enough room in the arks for all rich people, and thus begins a ham-fisted morality play about including everything. Our Russian billionaire thankfully dies.
Note: When designing a humanity-saving ark, an important safety feature is to make sure the engines cannot start until all doors are closed.
This leads to another tiresome twenty-minute subplot about closing the door. (Yes, really.)
Jackson is part humpback whale, because he can hold his breath for, like, 20 minutes.
This is apparently a genetic trait, because his son, who loves him all of a sudden, can do it to.
Report, Captain! Engines inoperative! Mount Everett looming!
Jackson saves the day and wins back his woman (after her boyfriend dies lubricating giant gears with his body).
Meanwhile, the scientist hooks up with the president's daughter (whose father goes down with the ship and is subsequently killed by one).
The scientist is promoted to the Secretary of Pimping.
Then humanity sails off into the sunset, bound to repopulate Africa.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: A common lamentation these days is the decline in American schools of a science curriculum. Given the propensity of today's youth toward digital entertainment information, do you think 2012 and its esteemable science content, could be used as a supplement to traditional teaching methods?
JASON: 2012 includes many elements that appeal to modern youth, including chases, explosions, earthquakes, airplanes, cars, fake boobs (a major plot point), and Russians. As such, it is the perfect supplement to any science curriculum, and in fact should be put into a time capsule for future generations to enjoy should the Mayans' prediction turn out to be true.
CRABS: The disaster movie genre teaches us, among other things, that the surefire way to reconcile a dysfunctional and/or estranged family is through worldwide cataclysm. Do you foresee "disaster therapy" becoming a viable form of couples' counseling?
JASON: "Disaster therapy" works because disaster films, and the subsequent healing of families therein, is a metaphor for the healing of the human race via weeding out the weak. The human "family" always survives, even if it is one "Adam and Eve" couple, therefore, in this doctor's esteemed opinion, couples seeking counseling should first be forced to live through a global cataclysm (including, but not limited to floods, zombie attacks, nuclear war, and Kevin Costner movies).
(Note: our new intern, Jason, despite his delusions of grandeur, is not an actually a doctor of any kind.)
CRABS: Perhaps the most riveting sequence in the movie involves the eruption of the Yellowstone super-volcano. Given that this is a known and obvious threat, do you feel that FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security are doing enough to protect us against this imminent disaster? In particular, at what point in time would a pre-emptive nuclear strike against this subterranean menace be justified?
JASON: Human kind's greatest mistake was building the Large Hadron Collider 180 degrees across the planet from the Yellowstone super-volcano. This is evidence that FEMA is not doing nearly enough to protect us, and in fact is in cahoots with the aliens to encourage the volcano's eruption. A pre-emptive nuclear strike is therefore unlikely, as the government only wants to hasten our demise.
(You're doing a heckuva job, Jason.)
CRABS: I'd like to thank your intern for putting in a jolly good effort, and I just have one final question for him. If you were to survive a worldwide disaster, which disaster would it be? And also, what would your stereotypical role be?
JASON: I would choose a killer plague because then there'd just be a lot of shit lying around that I could pick up and do things with. And it would be my responsibility to repopulate w the earth, with my wife who would have also survived. Because we have shared immunity, which I acquired when I was a firefighter on the International Space Station.
For next time: Leprechaun 4: In Space. There better be a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. Maybe we can get Jennifer Aniston to guest-blog with us.
Rating: seven and a half sticks in the eye (and a 2.6 on the Richter Scale of Atrocity).
Showing posts with label disaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disaster. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Perfect Storm -- A Perfectly Cliche Movie
Note: Due to overuse, the Cliche-O-Tron in ICBIWT headquarters has suffered a broken flux capacitor. This is a critical research tool for Ang & Crabs, and if you would like to donate to the Cliche-a-Tron Relief Fund, Jerry Lewis will be sponsoring a telethon next month. More details to come.
Facts: Some noteworthy events of 2000 include: The world did not come to an end, despite the "election" of GWB. The St. Louis Rams won the Superbowl. Microsoft released yet another OS behemoth. Vermont legalized same-sex unions. And a tour-de-force roared into movie theaters nationwide. Okay, really, yet another piece of uninspired Hollywood claptrap landed with a splash in a cinema near you. Starring some of Hollywood's finest: George "Pretty Boy" Clooney, Mark "Multi-Talented" Wahlberg, Diane "I'm Inexplicably Playing a 25-Year-Old" Lane, John C. "Never a Leading Man" Reilly, and a hodgepodge cast of miscellaneous weather-beaten fisherfolk.
Plot summary: In the briney yet idyllic Massachusetts hamlet of Gloucester, swordfish captain Billy Tyne (Clooney) concludes the fishing season on a down note, much to the chagrin of his overbearing boss and the amusement of his pseudo love interest. After a rowdy celebration at the local watering hole, which features every type of debauchery and indulgence, including, but not limited to, excessive drinking, one night stands (and premarital sex!), swearing, you get the idea. We can only decide that in a drunken stupor, Clooney decides to head out again for the big score that will surely improve everyone's lives. Nothing could possibly go wrong. In between ignoring every possible warning sign of impending doom, the crew finds time to squabble amongst themselves before motoring themselves into the middle of the previously alluded to perfect storm, which, despite a courageous and valiant effort, ultimately gets the best of our seafearing heroes and they play the game too many men in a phone booth, except it's in Davy Jones's locker. Yeah, so they all die. Every one of 'em.
Key moments of interest:
The (motley) fishing crew returns, and have uninteresting reunions with girlfriends, wives, etc.
Oh, to be young and in love and in New England again. (And impoverished.)
Seems Clooney has lost his razor's edge when it comes to findin' them thar fish. Yarrrr.
He was bested by a female captain. Shatter that glass ceiling, baby!
Well, that catch sucked. Let's go get drunk!
Christina (Lane), the braless wonder, "bounces" down the stairs to meet her studly boyfriend, Bobby (Wahlberg). She looks good for being, like, 75.
Character development time!
Murph (Reilly) has a son from a previous marriage and according to Little Johnny Bigmouth: "Mommy has a new boyfriend!"
Pierre, aka The Foreigner, likes to knock dem boots, much to the delight of the entire bar below.
Bugsy can't get laid to save his life, but eventually finds a glimmer of hope in a gruff barfly named Irene.
Bobby and Christina are disgustingly in love and seem to have melded into one Boston-accented amorous blob.
Billy is lonely and brooding. Just what everyone wants in a sea captain.
(At this point in time, the indicator light in the Cliche-O-Tron seems to have burned out.)
Billy informs the crew that they're going out again. Because by god, he'll find those fish! He always has and he always will! (Famous last words.)
Cue wise villagers..."Going back to the Grand Banks at this time of year is suicide!"
Domestic violence warning: Bobby gets a shiner from Christina when she finds out he's leaving yet again. Them east coast girls is spunky!
The crew's almost complete. The last cog in this perfect machine would be Murph's hated rival, wife-stealer Sully.
The crew heads out into open waters, to much fanfare.
Oh wait, what's that dark cloud on the horizon? Onward, ho!
Some random meteorologist in Boston, we'll call him Comb-over, is going to explain the impending disaster: "Well, what we have here is a recipe for disaster. We've got this doohickey over here and this hurricane over here, and this jet stream up here, and well by gosh, if those three come together at the same time, we could have ourselves a...what's the term I'm looking for...a perfect storm! But that probably won't happen. Maybe."
Oh no, some random boaters somewhere are trapped in a hurricane or something! Why should you care? Hard to say...
Defying all known laws of physics, a Coast Guard helicopter flies through the hurricane to rescue these poor saps.
Never again will man dare to laugh in the face of Mother Nature's fury!
Oh wait...what's that I hear? It sounds like laughing.
Meanwhile back at the Grand Banks, the crew is striking out yet again. Swordfish are hard to come by.
"There just ain't no fish around here, cap'n!"
The fishing goes from bad to much, much worse when they somehow catch a Great White shark, which latches onto one of the crew members (Bobby) and tries to chomp his foot off.
It's a good thing he was wearing shark-proof rubber boots!
Moron Murph is hooked and falls overboard, only to be saved from certain death by his (as you'll recall) hated rival, Sully.
(The Cliche-O-Tron is belching smoke. Perhaps it blew a belt or has a loose gasket.)
In the face of mounting mutiny, Cap'n Crusty Beard decides, instead of packing it in, they're going to motor out further to the dreaded Flemish Cap. Not the Flemish Cap, are you crazy!!!
Oh, is it getting even darker over there on the horizon, Cap'n?
"Don't worry, Bobby. This old boat's been through worse."
Party time at the Flemish Cap! Swordfish in abundance!
The celebration comes to an abrupt end when the crew realizes that their cheapskate boss overhauled the ice machine instead of replacing it, forcing them to return to port prematurely.
The townsfolk are worried. They've never seen a storm quite like this before.
Old sea captain Barnacle Pete: "This be the worst storm in nigh on 1,000 years, says I!"
(Is that thumping, vibrating noise coming from the Cliche-O-Tron? Perhaps its rationality modulator has come untethered.)
Christina, who just rented a crappy new apartment for her and Bobby, is understandably peeved.
Meanwhile, back at the meteorologist's news station, the intern says, "Well, that can't possibly be a perfect storm a-brewin'!"
Meteorologist Guy: "Oh, you better believe it. That's a...PERFECT STORM! God help anyone foolish enough to be out fishing with a busted ice machine."
The crew is mid-battle when the windshield gets knocked out by one of their anchors.
The fearless captain ventures out onto the boon to cut it loose. Oh, the suspense...
The crew is up against 20-foot waves! 3o-foot waves! 50 foot waves! A pants-crapping 100-foot wave!
Cap'n Pretty Boy decides they're going to beat the wave at its own game and drive up the side of it, a plan which, despite its genius, doesn't work so well.
Cue the capsizing, drowning, etc.
But wait! Bobby somehow made it out alive! (But he ends up drowning anyway, so it doesn't matter.)
Back on land, the families of the fallen hold a memorial service for the drowned boneheads.
Lady Cap'n: "They were wonderful people and they loved life. But more than life, they loved the sea."
(Oh God! The Cliche-O-Tron's on fire! Get the fire extinguisher!)
Snarky movie discussion:
Due to the stress of making funeral arrangements for the Cliche-O-Tron, Ang & Crabs were not able to have a snarky movie discussion for this entry. Once they have dealt sufficiently with their grief, this feature will return. They would like to leave you with one question to ponder: If the Cap'n Clooney inside of you were in a similar situation, would he have decided to stay in port to go out again? Think on this, and what this says about you as a person. And if need be, go get sloppy drunk in the tradition of the finest seamen.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (plus the Josephine K. Cliche-O-Tron Award for most uninspired screenplay of 2000.)
RIP, Josephine the Cliche-O-Tron, 2009-2009.
Those footprints in the sand are from when we carried you.
Facts: Some noteworthy events of 2000 include: The world did not come to an end, despite the "election" of GWB. The St. Louis Rams won the Superbowl. Microsoft released yet another OS behemoth. Vermont legalized same-sex unions. And a tour-de-force roared into movie theaters nationwide. Okay, really, yet another piece of uninspired Hollywood claptrap landed with a splash in a cinema near you. Starring some of Hollywood's finest: George "Pretty Boy" Clooney, Mark "Multi-Talented" Wahlberg, Diane "I'm Inexplicably Playing a 25-Year-Old" Lane, John C. "Never a Leading Man" Reilly, and a hodgepodge cast of miscellaneous weather-beaten fisherfolk.
Plot summary: In the briney yet idyllic Massachusetts hamlet of Gloucester, swordfish captain Billy Tyne (Clooney) concludes the fishing season on a down note, much to the chagrin of his overbearing boss and the amusement of his pseudo love interest. After a rowdy celebration at the local watering hole, which features every type of debauchery and indulgence, including, but not limited to, excessive drinking, one night stands (and premarital sex!), swearing, you get the idea. We can only decide that in a drunken stupor, Clooney decides to head out again for the big score that will surely improve everyone's lives. Nothing could possibly go wrong. In between ignoring every possible warning sign of impending doom, the crew finds time to squabble amongst themselves before motoring themselves into the middle of the previously alluded to perfect storm, which, despite a courageous and valiant effort, ultimately gets the best of our seafearing heroes and they play the game too many men in a phone booth, except it's in Davy Jones's locker. Yeah, so they all die. Every one of 'em.
Key moments of interest:
The (motley) fishing crew returns, and have uninteresting reunions with girlfriends, wives, etc.
Oh, to be young and in love and in New England again. (And impoverished.)
Seems Clooney has lost his razor's edge when it comes to findin' them thar fish. Yarrrr.
He was bested by a female captain. Shatter that glass ceiling, baby!
Well, that catch sucked. Let's go get drunk!
Christina (Lane), the braless wonder, "bounces" down the stairs to meet her studly boyfriend, Bobby (Wahlberg). She looks good for being, like, 75.
Character development time!
Murph (Reilly) has a son from a previous marriage and according to Little Johnny Bigmouth: "Mommy has a new boyfriend!"
Pierre, aka The Foreigner, likes to knock dem boots, much to the delight of the entire bar below.
Bugsy can't get laid to save his life, but eventually finds a glimmer of hope in a gruff barfly named Irene.
Bobby and Christina are disgustingly in love and seem to have melded into one Boston-accented amorous blob.
Billy is lonely and brooding. Just what everyone wants in a sea captain.
(At this point in time, the indicator light in the Cliche-O-Tron seems to have burned out.)
Billy informs the crew that they're going out again. Because by god, he'll find those fish! He always has and he always will! (Famous last words.)
Cue wise villagers..."Going back to the Grand Banks at this time of year is suicide!"
Domestic violence warning: Bobby gets a shiner from Christina when she finds out he's leaving yet again. Them east coast girls is spunky!
The crew's almost complete. The last cog in this perfect machine would be Murph's hated rival, wife-stealer Sully.
The crew heads out into open waters, to much fanfare.
Oh wait, what's that dark cloud on the horizon? Onward, ho!
Some random meteorologist in Boston, we'll call him Comb-over, is going to explain the impending disaster: "Well, what we have here is a recipe for disaster. We've got this doohickey over here and this hurricane over here, and this jet stream up here, and well by gosh, if those three come together at the same time, we could have ourselves a...what's the term I'm looking for...a perfect storm! But that probably won't happen. Maybe."
Oh no, some random boaters somewhere are trapped in a hurricane or something! Why should you care? Hard to say...
Defying all known laws of physics, a Coast Guard helicopter flies through the hurricane to rescue these poor saps.
Never again will man dare to laugh in the face of Mother Nature's fury!
Oh wait...what's that I hear? It sounds like laughing.
Meanwhile back at the Grand Banks, the crew is striking out yet again. Swordfish are hard to come by.
"There just ain't no fish around here, cap'n!"
The fishing goes from bad to much, much worse when they somehow catch a Great White shark, which latches onto one of the crew members (Bobby) and tries to chomp his foot off.
It's a good thing he was wearing shark-proof rubber boots!
Moron Murph is hooked and falls overboard, only to be saved from certain death by his (as you'll recall) hated rival, Sully.
(The Cliche-O-Tron is belching smoke. Perhaps it blew a belt or has a loose gasket.)
In the face of mounting mutiny, Cap'n Crusty Beard decides, instead of packing it in, they're going to motor out further to the dreaded Flemish Cap. Not the Flemish Cap, are you crazy!!!
Oh, is it getting even darker over there on the horizon, Cap'n?
"Don't worry, Bobby. This old boat's been through worse."
Party time at the Flemish Cap! Swordfish in abundance!
The celebration comes to an abrupt end when the crew realizes that their cheapskate boss overhauled the ice machine instead of replacing it, forcing them to return to port prematurely.
The townsfolk are worried. They've never seen a storm quite like this before.
Old sea captain Barnacle Pete: "This be the worst storm in nigh on 1,000 years, says I!"
(Is that thumping, vibrating noise coming from the Cliche-O-Tron? Perhaps its rationality modulator has come untethered.)
Christina, who just rented a crappy new apartment for her and Bobby, is understandably peeved.
Meanwhile, back at the meteorologist's news station, the intern says, "Well, that can't possibly be a perfect storm a-brewin'!"
Meteorologist Guy: "Oh, you better believe it. That's a...PERFECT STORM! God help anyone foolish enough to be out fishing with a busted ice machine."
The crew is mid-battle when the windshield gets knocked out by one of their anchors.
The fearless captain ventures out onto the boon to cut it loose. Oh, the suspense...
The crew is up against 20-foot waves! 3o-foot waves! 50 foot waves! A pants-crapping 100-foot wave!
Cap'n Pretty Boy decides they're going to beat the wave at its own game and drive up the side of it, a plan which, despite its genius, doesn't work so well.
Cue the capsizing, drowning, etc.
But wait! Bobby somehow made it out alive! (But he ends up drowning anyway, so it doesn't matter.)
Back on land, the families of the fallen hold a memorial service for the drowned boneheads.
Lady Cap'n: "They were wonderful people and they loved life. But more than life, they loved the sea."
(Oh God! The Cliche-O-Tron's on fire! Get the fire extinguisher!)
Snarky movie discussion:
Due to the stress of making funeral arrangements for the Cliche-O-Tron, Ang & Crabs were not able to have a snarky movie discussion for this entry. Once they have dealt sufficiently with their grief, this feature will return. They would like to leave you with one question to ponder: If the Cap'n Clooney inside of you were in a similar situation, would he have decided to stay in port to go out again? Think on this, and what this says about you as a person. And if need be, go get sloppy drunk in the tradition of the finest seamen.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (plus the Josephine K. Cliche-O-Tron Award for most uninspired screenplay of 2000.)
RIP, Josephine the Cliche-O-Tron, 2009-2009.
Those footprints in the sand are from when we carried you.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Day After Tomorrow -- An Inconvenient Movie
Facts: Events of 2004 included the baffling re-election of a human-shaped chimpanzee, Facebook being unleashed upon us all, and Massachusetts legalizing gay marriage, which reignited a simmering controversy. Another relevant controversy was brewing pertaining to The Day After Tomorrow: "Is it junk science or is it plausible, is it watchable or is it putrid, and do wolves really have opposable thumbs?" Starring Dennis "What Was This Guy in Again?" Quaid, Jake "I Wish I Could Quit You" Gyllenhaal, Sela "Fugitive Lover" Ward, and some up-and-coming no-names who would rather forget they were in this movie. (We, however, will not let them forget.)
Plot summary: Once again, science drives a wedge in the middle of an ideal American family. Absent father Jack (Quaid), a ruggedly-handsome climatologist, is screwing around on the Antarctic ice shelf when suddenly the ice breaks up, in a portent of things to come. Son Sam (Gyllenhaal) is busy wallowing in teenage cliches of awkwardness and insecurity on a school trip to New York City. His career-minded mom Lucy (Ward) is occupied with fawning over the world's most contrived subplot (more on this later). After returning home from his stint in Antarctica, Jack begins to receive disturbing messages from a rouge scientific outpost in Scotland, which, surprisingly, confirms his doomsday scenario for the end of the earth (think ice, mmkay?). After a series of outrageous weather phenomena (hail stones the size of personal watermelons attack Hong Kong and several cyclones ransack perennial disaster hotspot Los Angeles), our consistently disbelieving public servants begin to take Jack seriously. But perhaps it's too late. Insert computer model mumbo-jumbo, climatological buzzwords, etc. Stir vigorously, and you'll end up with one climate-altering meso-cyclone. As the world's slowly being turned into a popsicle with human corpse sprinkles, Jack realizes his son is trapped in New York, as it turns out being menaced by wolves and engaging in a little good old-fashioned book burning. Father of the Year strikes out across the snow, with several of his canon fodder minions in tow, determined to find his boy and win back the heart of his ex-wife to boot. We both sort of fell asleep at this point, but by the time we awoke, Jack had managed to slog his way to New York, Lucy was trapped in a freezing hospital with the cancer-ridden subplot #1, and Sam was snuggling his way to every boy's dream come true. A bunch of people die. However, eventually, the characters we're supposed to care about all make it out alive and settle in Mexico, which for some reason has allowed the U.S. Government to come and set up shop outside Tijuana (Coronas for everyone!).
Key moments of interest:
Several scientists minding their own business are nearly swallowed whole by the merciless ice.
If only this awkward kid was as smooth with women as he is with world geography. (Since he looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, we think he'll be okay.)
Dr. Sela checks in on Cancer Patient #1, who is bedridden and can't be moved. We're sure this won't be an issue later...
When the whiskey runs out, some Scottish scientists sober up enough to realize something's terribly wrong on the North Atlantic.
Dr. Mom: "He's your son, too, dammit! Why can't you make more of an effort?"
Professor Father: "Abuh?"
Whee! Off to New York for the National Nerd Association Meeting! (Or something.) Thankfully hottie classmate (who just happens to be brilliant) came along, too.
Aw, Hell, it's hailing in Hong Kong! Chinese cars were not designed for this!
Whoosh! I don't think we're in So Cal anymore.
Scientist Guy gets called in to brief the president. (Where have we seen this before?)
After rebuffing his critics, he lays it out: Another Ice Age is imminent (in, like, a week and a half).
Enormous meso-cyclones (think huge hurricanes) reach into the upper atmosphere and flash freeze everything they encounter, including some helicopters.
The Scots find their secret stash of whiskey, and then they don't mind freezing to death so much. Sniff.
Storm surge floods NYC, and Sam takes refuge in an enormous library.
Jack strikes out across the barren wasteland to find his son. He loses a few friends along the way.
A bunch of red shirts try to leave the library, and predictably freeze to death. If only they had listened to the teenage son of a climatologist!
Dr. Morality refuses to leave the hospital until an ambulance can ferret away Cancer Boy at the last possible second.
"I'm diabetic! I need insulin! Where could we find some in this frozen wasteland?"
Sam: "Well, maybe we can find some on that presumably deserted ship."
I doubt they'll run into pirates or zombies or...wolves.
OMG! Wolves on the ship! (Not to be confused with snakes on a plane.)
They're easily outwitted, and Diabetic Girl lives to whine another day.
Improbably, Jack locates Sam at the library and they scurry to the top of the building to be rescued by helicopters.
Welcome to the United States of Mexico! Your cabana is down the road on the left, and don't drink the water.
Snarky movie discussion:
(Note: Per Crabs's request, this week's discussion will focus on the movie's impact on the Green Movement.)
ANG: How much of an impact do you think this movie had on Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth? Do you think it's safe to say that the latter would not have existed without the former?
CRABS: I was speaking with Al just the other week at the Masonic Association of Tennessee's annual conference in Mechanicsville, and this very topic came up.
ANG: How fortuitous.
CRABS: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. As I was saying, Al was telling me of a particularly lonely night when he was coming down and the girls were out of town. In his addled stupor, he hitch-hiked to the nearest Blockbuster and rented this movie, thinking it was a documentary on sex worker industry of Thailand. He went on to regale me with the epiphany he had as the credits of this movie were rolling and said, "This movie altered my perception of the world and gave me a path to pursue and a reason to live."
ANG: Strong words for sure. Do you feel as if this movie portrays wolves in an unflattering light?
CRABS: Well, it seems clear, or should seem clear to anyone with half a brain, that the wolves in this film are obvious metaphors for greedy industrialists, and the no-holds-barred pursuit of monetary gain, which has been the bane of the environmental movement since those innocent tree-hugging days of the 60s.
ANG: So this movie isn't really saying anything about wolves at all? The wolves are just a metaphor?
CRABS: Well, clearly, wolves are in fact inherently evil and should be shot from helicopters. Thank you, Sarah Palin.
ANG: In the movie, global warming and global cooling occur simultaneously. Is this just lazy science, or is there something to be gleaned from this?
CRABS: Much like the yin and yang of ancient eastern philosophy, global warming and global cooling are clearly manifestations of the same social synergistic paradigm, namely, in layman's terms, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. In the context of the movie, both warming and cooling are portrayed as evil and yet inter-related. I see in this an obvious reflection of the neo-Freudian assertion that the human psyche, and by extension the universe at large, is but an aggregate of the sum of all experiences and events throughout history and time. And thusly, cannot be extricated from one another, but must inexorably beat on against the waves of time.
For next time: some nincompoops in Hollywood decided to make a movie based on the RPG Dungeons & Dragons. It's as awful as it sounds, and Ang and Crabs are going to tell you about it.
Rating: three sticks in the eye (for laymen). However, for a scientifically-minded audience, nine to fifteen (and a wolf fang).
Plot summary: Once again, science drives a wedge in the middle of an ideal American family. Absent father Jack (Quaid), a ruggedly-handsome climatologist, is screwing around on the Antarctic ice shelf when suddenly the ice breaks up, in a portent of things to come. Son Sam (Gyllenhaal) is busy wallowing in teenage cliches of awkwardness and insecurity on a school trip to New York City. His career-minded mom Lucy (Ward) is occupied with fawning over the world's most contrived subplot (more on this later). After returning home from his stint in Antarctica, Jack begins to receive disturbing messages from a rouge scientific outpost in Scotland, which, surprisingly, confirms his doomsday scenario for the end of the earth (think ice, mmkay?). After a series of outrageous weather phenomena (hail stones the size of personal watermelons attack Hong Kong and several cyclones ransack perennial disaster hotspot Los Angeles), our consistently disbelieving public servants begin to take Jack seriously. But perhaps it's too late. Insert computer model mumbo-jumbo, climatological buzzwords, etc. Stir vigorously, and you'll end up with one climate-altering meso-cyclone. As the world's slowly being turned into a popsicle with human corpse sprinkles, Jack realizes his son is trapped in New York, as it turns out being menaced by wolves and engaging in a little good old-fashioned book burning. Father of the Year strikes out across the snow, with several of his canon fodder minions in tow, determined to find his boy and win back the heart of his ex-wife to boot. We both sort of fell asleep at this point, but by the time we awoke, Jack had managed to slog his way to New York, Lucy was trapped in a freezing hospital with the cancer-ridden subplot #1, and Sam was snuggling his way to every boy's dream come true. A bunch of people die. However, eventually, the characters we're supposed to care about all make it out alive and settle in Mexico, which for some reason has allowed the U.S. Government to come and set up shop outside Tijuana (Coronas for everyone!).
Key moments of interest:
Several scientists minding their own business are nearly swallowed whole by the merciless ice.
If only this awkward kid was as smooth with women as he is with world geography. (Since he looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, we think he'll be okay.)
Dr. Sela checks in on Cancer Patient #1, who is bedridden and can't be moved. We're sure this won't be an issue later...
When the whiskey runs out, some Scottish scientists sober up enough to realize something's terribly wrong on the North Atlantic.
Dr. Mom: "He's your son, too, dammit! Why can't you make more of an effort?"
Professor Father: "Abuh?"
Whee! Off to New York for the National Nerd Association Meeting! (Or something.) Thankfully hottie classmate (who just happens to be brilliant) came along, too.
Aw, Hell, it's hailing in Hong Kong! Chinese cars were not designed for this!
Whoosh! I don't think we're in So Cal anymore.
Scientist Guy gets called in to brief the president. (Where have we seen this before?)
After rebuffing his critics, he lays it out: Another Ice Age is imminent (in, like, a week and a half).
Enormous meso-cyclones (think huge hurricanes) reach into the upper atmosphere and flash freeze everything they encounter, including some helicopters.
The Scots find their secret stash of whiskey, and then they don't mind freezing to death so much. Sniff.
Storm surge floods NYC, and Sam takes refuge in an enormous library.
Jack strikes out across the barren wasteland to find his son. He loses a few friends along the way.
A bunch of red shirts try to leave the library, and predictably freeze to death. If only they had listened to the teenage son of a climatologist!
Dr. Morality refuses to leave the hospital until an ambulance can ferret away Cancer Boy at the last possible second.
"I'm diabetic! I need insulin! Where could we find some in this frozen wasteland?"
Sam: "Well, maybe we can find some on that presumably deserted ship."
I doubt they'll run into pirates or zombies or...wolves.
OMG! Wolves on the ship! (Not to be confused with snakes on a plane.)
They're easily outwitted, and Diabetic Girl lives to whine another day.
Improbably, Jack locates Sam at the library and they scurry to the top of the building to be rescued by helicopters.
Welcome to the United States of Mexico! Your cabana is down the road on the left, and don't drink the water.
Snarky movie discussion:
(Note: Per Crabs's request, this week's discussion will focus on the movie's impact on the Green Movement.)
ANG: How much of an impact do you think this movie had on Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth? Do you think it's safe to say that the latter would not have existed without the former?
CRABS: I was speaking with Al just the other week at the Masonic Association of Tennessee's annual conference in Mechanicsville, and this very topic came up.
ANG: How fortuitous.
CRABS: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. As I was saying, Al was telling me of a particularly lonely night when he was coming down and the girls were out of town. In his addled stupor, he hitch-hiked to the nearest Blockbuster and rented this movie, thinking it was a documentary on sex worker industry of Thailand. He went on to regale me with the epiphany he had as the credits of this movie were rolling and said, "This movie altered my perception of the world and gave me a path to pursue and a reason to live."
ANG: Strong words for sure. Do you feel as if this movie portrays wolves in an unflattering light?
CRABS: Well, it seems clear, or should seem clear to anyone with half a brain, that the wolves in this film are obvious metaphors for greedy industrialists, and the no-holds-barred pursuit of monetary gain, which has been the bane of the environmental movement since those innocent tree-hugging days of the 60s.
ANG: So this movie isn't really saying anything about wolves at all? The wolves are just a metaphor?
CRABS: Well, clearly, wolves are in fact inherently evil and should be shot from helicopters. Thank you, Sarah Palin.
ANG: In the movie, global warming and global cooling occur simultaneously. Is this just lazy science, or is there something to be gleaned from this?
CRABS: Much like the yin and yang of ancient eastern philosophy, global warming and global cooling are clearly manifestations of the same social synergistic paradigm, namely, in layman's terms, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. In the context of the movie, both warming and cooling are portrayed as evil and yet inter-related. I see in this an obvious reflection of the neo-Freudian assertion that the human psyche, and by extension the universe at large, is but an aggregate of the sum of all experiences and events throughout history and time. And thusly, cannot be extricated from one another, but must inexorably beat on against the waves of time.
For next time: some nincompoops in Hollywood decided to make a movie based on the RPG Dungeons & Dragons. It's as awful as it sounds, and Ang and Crabs are going to tell you about it.
Rating: three sticks in the eye (for laymen). However, for a scientifically-minded audience, nine to fifteen (and a wolf fang).
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Armageddon -- I Don't Want to Miss a Thing (Except really, we want to miss this movie).
Facts: 1998 was a bad year for movies, unless you like asteroids. The hulking older brother of the two summer flicks, Armageddon is looming on the horizon of mediocracy waiting to burst upon the scene with a flourish of ill-conceived subplot and horrible dialogue. The nation was about to weep silently for star-crossed lovers and the untimely death of Bruce Willis, while they were trembling nervously awaiting the fate of humanity to be decided. Starring Bruce "It's a Chopper" Willis, Ben "I Used to Date Jennifer Lopez" Affeck, Liv "Could I Be Any More Waifish" Tyler, Billy Bob "Mr. Jolie" Thornton, and, for some reason, Steve Buscemi.
Plot summary: Malevolent asteroid sets its sights on Mother Earth. It announces its presence by destroying the space shuttle and several iconic world cities. NASA's best and brightest convene to devise a plan to stop impending disaster. Their conclusion: humanity's best hope is a ragtag team of oil drillers. After extensive training montages, this band of unlikable losers is hurled into space aboard the most advanced space shuttles ever. One of the shuttles contains said losers, the other is occupied by actual astronauts. You know, trained professionals. You get one guess as to which one ultimately saves the day. This motley crew encounters a stereotypical Russian guy while docking at his space station. Igor the cosmonaut, who of course wears a fuzzy hat, blows up the space station, nearly dooming the entire mission. One shuttle crash lands with but one survivor (Affleck), and it's up to the one remaining to carry out this zany, and obviously foolproof, plan. The crew starts drilling, but a broken drill bit puts the mission in jeopardy. Just when all hope looks lost, Affleck and his friend (whoever he is) show up to save the day. Bruce Willis ends up staying behind to detonate the nuke. Humanity is saved. Oh, and a few more things: Willis is Tyler's father, and she and Affleck are in love. Aerosmith plays. It's all quite nauseating.
Key moments of interest:
Space shuttle plus meteorite equals kaboom!
NYC plus meteorites equals OMG!
Cheese eating surrender monkeys get their comeuppance.
The president is incredulous.
"How could this have happened?"
Billy Bob Jolie and his NASA cronies devise a foolproof plan.
Who knows how to drill? Oil workers. Cue Willis.
Overprotective father engages in a homicidal shootout on an oil rig, much to the dismay of his co-workers.
Affleck survives, unfortunately.
Close up on Willis looking beleaguered and gruff.
"Well, the fate of the world depends on it. I guess we have no choice. My men will do it."
Personnel round up montage. We meet the gang. We're nervous.
We have pretty boy, surly guy, sleazy guy, rehabilitated guy (who just wants to make his son proud), fat lovable guy, and mandatory black guy.
Training montage. Because oil drillers can become astronauts in a few months. Sure.
Affleck knows what he's doing, but no one believes him. Give this guy a chance!
Startling revelation: the oil drillers are the best.
Pretty boy and the waif get schmoopy. Animal crackers are inserted in places they shouldn't go. For some reason, this turns her on.
Obligatory dramatic slow walk to the shuttle.
1...2...3...blast off!
Der crazy cosmonik blows up der Mir station.
Then some stuff happens.
One shuttle makes it to the asteroid.
Whose idea was it to fly through all this debris, anyway?
They miss their landing target, but goddammit, they're drillers! They'll make it work!
Affleck defies all known laws of gravity and physics and drives a dune buggy across the asteroid to meet up with the others. (Avert your scientific eyes.)
The drill get stuck but Affleck decides to keep pushing. The mission is saved.
Buscemi goes wild west on everyone with the Gatling gun they brought along for some reason. Must have been space dementia.
Someone has to stay behind to detonate the nuke, and of course Bruce Willis volunteers to do it.
Insert tearful goodbye to his daughter on Earth. Sniff.
They return to a hero's welcome.
Roll credits. Cue Aerosmith.
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: The song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith plays a prominent role in this movie. What do you think this signifies about the importance of bad music to the future of humanity?
CRABS: One could easily argue that music is the soul of any civilization. Much like the ancient Romans destroyed themselves through indulgence and decadence, the ubiquity of good music in today's society could been sign of a harbinger of its collapse. Therefore, one could logically conclude that the perpetuation of civilization as we know it should be predicated upon embracing the antithesis of things that are good, hence bad music. I should add that if that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay, as I see this as one of the more subtle insights that the movie has to offer.
ANG: What do you make of Bruce Willis's sacrifice in a post 9/11 world?
CRABS: I think that much like the war on terrorism, the asteroid is an unknown and distant menace. I think Bruce Willis represents none other than western civilization in its entirety. His self-sacrifice and subsequent passing of the torch, so to speak, to the younger Affleck, could be interpreted as a suggestion that in order the destruction of old conventions and adoption of new doctrine is a necessary catalyst for social change.
ANG: Do you think that the success of our movie's heroes, the oil drillers turned astronauts, indicates a problem with current or past NASA culture? Are we dooming ourselves by relying on well-trained individuals?
CRABS: Undoubtedly so. And here's why. Intelligence, training, and professionalism will only take you so far. From what I've gathered about the culture of NASA and other large institutions, there's very little respect for the contributions of pluck, moxie, and a healthful disdain for authority figures. Perhaps these noble attributes could invigorate an uninspired culture of conformity and oppression.
ANG: Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck share a poignant, star-crossed love in the movie. In one pivotal scene, Affleck attempts to turn Tyler on by inserting animal crackers into her pants. What do you think this signifies about modern romance and the future of the family?
CRABS: Well, clearly in today's society family as a social unit has become devalued and diluted. Some might argue that this is due to overriding societal conventions dictating what can and cannot be accomplished with the erogenous zones. I find their inclusion of food indicative of changing cultural memes regarding the old taboos of sex and gender identity. Fifty years ago such activities would have been branded Communist, and those who engage in them would have been run out of town. But now I see activities like this in the park every weekend. Some might argue that this represents a covert attempt and liberalization of American culture. To those poeple I say: lighten up and go with the flow, old-timers.
For next time: Ang and Crabs actually sat through Super Mario Bros, and now you have to hear about it. Since this bastardized their childhood memories of this game, you could at least do them the favor of reading the next post.
Rating: four sticks in the eye. Uninspired yet wholly unmemorable.
Plot summary: Malevolent asteroid sets its sights on Mother Earth. It announces its presence by destroying the space shuttle and several iconic world cities. NASA's best and brightest convene to devise a plan to stop impending disaster. Their conclusion: humanity's best hope is a ragtag team of oil drillers. After extensive training montages, this band of unlikable losers is hurled into space aboard the most advanced space shuttles ever. One of the shuttles contains said losers, the other is occupied by actual astronauts. You know, trained professionals. You get one guess as to which one ultimately saves the day. This motley crew encounters a stereotypical Russian guy while docking at his space station. Igor the cosmonaut, who of course wears a fuzzy hat, blows up the space station, nearly dooming the entire mission. One shuttle crash lands with but one survivor (Affleck), and it's up to the one remaining to carry out this zany, and obviously foolproof, plan. The crew starts drilling, but a broken drill bit puts the mission in jeopardy. Just when all hope looks lost, Affleck and his friend (whoever he is) show up to save the day. Bruce Willis ends up staying behind to detonate the nuke. Humanity is saved. Oh, and a few more things: Willis is Tyler's father, and she and Affleck are in love. Aerosmith plays. It's all quite nauseating.
Key moments of interest:
Space shuttle plus meteorite equals kaboom!
NYC plus meteorites equals OMG!
Cheese eating surrender monkeys get their comeuppance.
The president is incredulous.
"How could this have happened?"
Billy Bob Jolie and his NASA cronies devise a foolproof plan.
Who knows how to drill? Oil workers. Cue Willis.
Overprotective father engages in a homicidal shootout on an oil rig, much to the dismay of his co-workers.
Affleck survives, unfortunately.
Close up on Willis looking beleaguered and gruff.
"Well, the fate of the world depends on it. I guess we have no choice. My men will do it."
Personnel round up montage. We meet the gang. We're nervous.
We have pretty boy, surly guy, sleazy guy, rehabilitated guy (who just wants to make his son proud), fat lovable guy, and mandatory black guy.
Training montage. Because oil drillers can become astronauts in a few months. Sure.
Affleck knows what he's doing, but no one believes him. Give this guy a chance!
Startling revelation: the oil drillers are the best.
Pretty boy and the waif get schmoopy. Animal crackers are inserted in places they shouldn't go. For some reason, this turns her on.
Obligatory dramatic slow walk to the shuttle.
1...2...3...blast off!
Der crazy cosmonik blows up der Mir station.
Then some stuff happens.
One shuttle makes it to the asteroid.
Whose idea was it to fly through all this debris, anyway?
They miss their landing target, but goddammit, they're drillers! They'll make it work!
Affleck defies all known laws of gravity and physics and drives a dune buggy across the asteroid to meet up with the others. (Avert your scientific eyes.)
The drill get stuck but Affleck decides to keep pushing. The mission is saved.
Buscemi goes wild west on everyone with the Gatling gun they brought along for some reason. Must have been space dementia.
Someone has to stay behind to detonate the nuke, and of course Bruce Willis volunteers to do it.
Insert tearful goodbye to his daughter on Earth. Sniff.
They return to a hero's welcome.
Roll credits. Cue Aerosmith.
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: The song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith plays a prominent role in this movie. What do you think this signifies about the importance of bad music to the future of humanity?
CRABS: One could easily argue that music is the soul of any civilization. Much like the ancient Romans destroyed themselves through indulgence and decadence, the ubiquity of good music in today's society could been sign of a harbinger of its collapse. Therefore, one could logically conclude that the perpetuation of civilization as we know it should be predicated upon embracing the antithesis of things that are good, hence bad music. I should add that if that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay, as I see this as one of the more subtle insights that the movie has to offer.
ANG: What do you make of Bruce Willis's sacrifice in a post 9/11 world?
CRABS: I think that much like the war on terrorism, the asteroid is an unknown and distant menace. I think Bruce Willis represents none other than western civilization in its entirety. His self-sacrifice and subsequent passing of the torch, so to speak, to the younger Affleck, could be interpreted as a suggestion that in order the destruction of old conventions and adoption of new doctrine is a necessary catalyst for social change.
ANG: Do you think that the success of our movie's heroes, the oil drillers turned astronauts, indicates a problem with current or past NASA culture? Are we dooming ourselves by relying on well-trained individuals?
CRABS: Undoubtedly so. And here's why. Intelligence, training, and professionalism will only take you so far. From what I've gathered about the culture of NASA and other large institutions, there's very little respect for the contributions of pluck, moxie, and a healthful disdain for authority figures. Perhaps these noble attributes could invigorate an uninspired culture of conformity and oppression.
ANG: Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck share a poignant, star-crossed love in the movie. In one pivotal scene, Affleck attempts to turn Tyler on by inserting animal crackers into her pants. What do you think this signifies about modern romance and the future of the family?
CRABS: Well, clearly in today's society family as a social unit has become devalued and diluted. Some might argue that this is due to overriding societal conventions dictating what can and cannot be accomplished with the erogenous zones. I find their inclusion of food indicative of changing cultural memes regarding the old taboos of sex and gender identity. Fifty years ago such activities would have been branded Communist, and those who engage in them would have been run out of town. But now I see activities like this in the park every weekend. Some might argue that this represents a covert attempt and liberalization of American culture. To those poeple I say: lighten up and go with the flow, old-timers.
For next time: Ang and Crabs actually sat through Super Mario Bros, and now you have to hear about it. Since this bastardized their childhood memories of this game, you could at least do them the favor of reading the next post.
Rating: four sticks in the eye. Uninspired yet wholly unmemorable.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Volcano, or I Lava LA
Facts: The year was 1997. The nation was stumbling uncertainly preceding the impeachment of Slick Willie. The economy was booming, but underneath it all lay a magma chamber of doubt that was to render the the fabric of the nation asunder. Americans needed something to soothe their weary nerves. Strangely enough, that something was Volcano, a big-budget epic that redefined disaster movies as we know them. Starring Tommy "Establish a Perimeter" Jones, Anne "Maybe I'm a Lesbian, but Not Really" Heche, and Don "The Everyman" Cheadle.
Plot summary: Tommy takes a break from his long overdue vacation with his estranged daughter to check in on the happenings at the LA Emergency Response Center (or something like that). While he proceeds to neglect his daughter once again, across town totally believable geologist Anne is tooling about as geologists are wont to do and comes across some disturbing findings. Following a horrific subway accident, in which seven people are burned to a crisp, Tommy and Anne are sent to investigate. Thus begins a hazily-defined, ultimately-unrequited (and revolting) romantic interest storyline. They ultimately discover a surging magma chamber which finds in the La Brea tar pits a convenient mode of escape. As missile-like magma and rock fragments rain down upon unsuspecting citizens, Tommy takes it upon himself to initiate a battle against Mother Nature in an attempt to save the city. Somewhere along the way, his daughter is sent to the hospital (to treat a burn or somesuch). Eventually they decide that the lava must he stopped at all costs, at which point the logical solution to the problem is to build a lava barricade out of slabs of concrete. However, undeterred by the beaverish humans, the lava finds another route, at which point only the destruction of a newly-built office tower will divert the lava into the LA River and harmlessly out to sea, therefore ensuring the safety of the city and the continuation of humanity as we know it.
Key moments of interest:
Tommy's daughter arrives. She does not like him. Neither do we.
She's listlessly awaiting the conclusion of her unfulfilling vacation...oh, but wait...
The geological bosom buddies enter the sewers. One is more attractive than the other. Three guesses as to which one leaves unscathed.
Why won't anyone listen to this stunning female scientist?
Tommy can't get enough work even when he's supposed to be on vacation.
"Relax, we've got it under control."
The tar pits are boiling. Nothing to worry about, surely.
All Hell breaks loose! Lava lava everywhere!
Did Tommy seriously just dodge that lava missile?! What a pimp!
It's like Vietnam out here!
Anne and Tommy dangle precariously from a ladder. Miraculously they survive, escaping by the skin of their teeth.
Little Whiner Jones gets shipped off to the hospital where she finds her inner woman.
"Let's get these barriers up and stop this lava, dammit! They're our only hope!"
Remarkably, this ingenious plan doesn't work. The lava remains on the move.
Heart-rending Good Samaritan sacrifice number 1. Did that guy just walk on lava?
Second ingenious plan. Let's blow up this here building and make another dam.
Heart-rending Good Samaritan sacrifice number 2. There's no time to wire the charges, so I'll stay behind to do it myself.
Kablam!
Tommy races the falling debris to save his only daughter and some random kids.
The plan works (this time). The city rejoices. Nevermind that half the city is covered in smoldering lava.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: So Tommy Lee's workaholic attitude is prevalent throughout the film. What do you think this means in the context of his subsequent fight against Mother Nature.
ANG: Well, I think this reflects an Enlightenment view of the world, in which we are constantly evolving and bettering ourselves. To whit, we see that Tommy Lee's commitment to his work is a hindrance to his relationship with his insufferable daughter. However, it is this very flaw which allows him to save the greater LA area. We see, then, that this movie clearly advocates the philosophical position that one's greatest flaw is also one's greatest strength.
CRABS: Question numero 2. There's an obvious sub-current of sexual attraction between Tommy and Anne. And yet this is never really explored in the movie. Do you think this discouraging or encouraging to single parents looking for love?
ANG: I think the movie is ultimately non-committal in this regard. Anne Heche is presented as a strong woman who happens to have a prestigious career in the sciences. However, despite her many successes in this arena, she longs for human companionship. So unfortunately, single parents looking to this movie for inspiration are going to find the message that success can get in the way of love.
CRABS: So Don Cheadle is Tommy's second in command at the emergency whatever center. Clearly he is capable of running the show and longs to do so. Yet the oppressive T-Bone is obviously holding him back. Discuss the relevance of this is light of affirmative action policies.
ANG: I think the movie, being as it is a force for social change, has much to say in this regard. Cheadle's character has not benefited from affirmative action, because he is not in charge. However, his skill set is such that he would not require the aid of such policies. The movie is quite certainly indicating that affirmative action is no longer necessary.
CRABS: As in so many disaster movies, the presence of a world-altering event is the impetus to bring estranged families together again. The implication being that this reunion would not have happened in the absence of said event. Does this mean the social fabric of our country is unraveling around us, and the family as we know it is no longer a relevant cultural institution?
ANG: Without a doubt. Though we can find comfort in the fact that these reunions do happen, they do not occur in an authentic manner. The situations in which they happen are dire ones, and therefore not indicative of a genuine desire to mend the family unit, but rather a misguided desire to fix one's mistakes before death.
CRABS: Once again Los Angeles is the scene of a horrendous cataclysm, which seems to be a recurrign theme in this genre. Is this a covert attempt by the conservative media to portray popular culture as fundamentally corrupt and divisive?
ANG: It's funny you should ask that, because my dissertation is on this very subject.
CRABS: How fortuitous.
ANG: Isn't it, though? Anyway, I think this represents much self-awareness on the part of Hollywood. That is to say, Hollywood is clearly a cesspool or immorality. Yet movies such as this one indicate that denizens of said cesspool know this and are both comfortable with it and conflicted about it.
For next time:
Ang and Crabs tackle a movie (Savage Planet) so bad they are undergoing intensive psychotherapy to forget about it, and blogging is part of the treatment.
Rating: three sticks on the eye (for prolonged lack of plot development).
Plot summary: Tommy takes a break from his long overdue vacation with his estranged daughter to check in on the happenings at the LA Emergency Response Center (or something like that). While he proceeds to neglect his daughter once again, across town totally believable geologist Anne is tooling about as geologists are wont to do and comes across some disturbing findings. Following a horrific subway accident, in which seven people are burned to a crisp, Tommy and Anne are sent to investigate. Thus begins a hazily-defined, ultimately-unrequited (and revolting) romantic interest storyline. They ultimately discover a surging magma chamber which finds in the La Brea tar pits a convenient mode of escape. As missile-like magma and rock fragments rain down upon unsuspecting citizens, Tommy takes it upon himself to initiate a battle against Mother Nature in an attempt to save the city. Somewhere along the way, his daughter is sent to the hospital (to treat a burn or somesuch). Eventually they decide that the lava must he stopped at all costs, at which point the logical solution to the problem is to build a lava barricade out of slabs of concrete. However, undeterred by the beaverish humans, the lava finds another route, at which point only the destruction of a newly-built office tower will divert the lava into the LA River and harmlessly out to sea, therefore ensuring the safety of the city and the continuation of humanity as we know it.
Key moments of interest:
Tommy's daughter arrives. She does not like him. Neither do we.
She's listlessly awaiting the conclusion of her unfulfilling vacation...oh, but wait...
The geological bosom buddies enter the sewers. One is more attractive than the other. Three guesses as to which one leaves unscathed.
Why won't anyone listen to this stunning female scientist?
Tommy can't get enough work even when he's supposed to be on vacation.
"Relax, we've got it under control."
The tar pits are boiling. Nothing to worry about, surely.
All Hell breaks loose! Lava lava everywhere!
Did Tommy seriously just dodge that lava missile?! What a pimp!
It's like Vietnam out here!
Anne and Tommy dangle precariously from a ladder. Miraculously they survive, escaping by the skin of their teeth.
Little Whiner Jones gets shipped off to the hospital where she finds her inner woman.
"Let's get these barriers up and stop this lava, dammit! They're our only hope!"
Remarkably, this ingenious plan doesn't work. The lava remains on the move.
Heart-rending Good Samaritan sacrifice number 1. Did that guy just walk on lava?
Second ingenious plan. Let's blow up this here building and make another dam.
Heart-rending Good Samaritan sacrifice number 2. There's no time to wire the charges, so I'll stay behind to do it myself.
Kablam!
Tommy races the falling debris to save his only daughter and some random kids.
The plan works (this time). The city rejoices. Nevermind that half the city is covered in smoldering lava.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: So Tommy Lee's workaholic attitude is prevalent throughout the film. What do you think this means in the context of his subsequent fight against Mother Nature.
ANG: Well, I think this reflects an Enlightenment view of the world, in which we are constantly evolving and bettering ourselves. To whit, we see that Tommy Lee's commitment to his work is a hindrance to his relationship with his insufferable daughter. However, it is this very flaw which allows him to save the greater LA area. We see, then, that this movie clearly advocates the philosophical position that one's greatest flaw is also one's greatest strength.
CRABS: Question numero 2. There's an obvious sub-current of sexual attraction between Tommy and Anne. And yet this is never really explored in the movie. Do you think this discouraging or encouraging to single parents looking for love?
ANG: I think the movie is ultimately non-committal in this regard. Anne Heche is presented as a strong woman who happens to have a prestigious career in the sciences. However, despite her many successes in this arena, she longs for human companionship. So unfortunately, single parents looking to this movie for inspiration are going to find the message that success can get in the way of love.
CRABS: So Don Cheadle is Tommy's second in command at the emergency whatever center. Clearly he is capable of running the show and longs to do so. Yet the oppressive T-Bone is obviously holding him back. Discuss the relevance of this is light of affirmative action policies.
ANG: I think the movie, being as it is a force for social change, has much to say in this regard. Cheadle's character has not benefited from affirmative action, because he is not in charge. However, his skill set is such that he would not require the aid of such policies. The movie is quite certainly indicating that affirmative action is no longer necessary.
CRABS: As in so many disaster movies, the presence of a world-altering event is the impetus to bring estranged families together again. The implication being that this reunion would not have happened in the absence of said event. Does this mean the social fabric of our country is unraveling around us, and the family as we know it is no longer a relevant cultural institution?
ANG: Without a doubt. Though we can find comfort in the fact that these reunions do happen, they do not occur in an authentic manner. The situations in which they happen are dire ones, and therefore not indicative of a genuine desire to mend the family unit, but rather a misguided desire to fix one's mistakes before death.
CRABS: Once again Los Angeles is the scene of a horrendous cataclysm, which seems to be a recurrign theme in this genre. Is this a covert attempt by the conservative media to portray popular culture as fundamentally corrupt and divisive?
ANG: It's funny you should ask that, because my dissertation is on this very subject.
CRABS: How fortuitous.
ANG: Isn't it, though? Anyway, I think this represents much self-awareness on the part of Hollywood. That is to say, Hollywood is clearly a cesspool or immorality. Yet movies such as this one indicate that denizens of said cesspool know this and are both comfortable with it and conflicted about it.
For next time:
Ang and Crabs tackle a movie (Savage Planet) so bad they are undergoing intensive psychotherapy to forget about it, and blogging is part of the treatment.
Rating: three sticks on the eye (for prolonged lack of plot development).
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Core -- A Journey to the Center of Inanity
Facts: The year was 2003. Three years previous, the world had failed to come to an end. The release of this movie was surely punishment for all of humanity. Starring two rising stars (at least until the movie came out), Aaron (Two-Face) Eckhart and Hilary (Million Dollar) Swank, The Core is a veritable fruitcake of fantasy science, political wrangling, white-knuckled space shuttle piloting, and emotionally draining moral conundrums.
Plot summary: The core of the Earth has stopped spinning. Really. Why? The answer will shock you! As is often the case in history, a cobbled-together group consisting of a disgraced shuttle pilot looking for redemption and a zany group of misfit scientists, is the only thing that stands between us and total annihilation by solar radiation. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...) An improbable craft takes them on an improbable journey to deliver a nuclear blast. Some are lost along the way. Some find themselves. Some persevere. And, as is always the case, humanity soldiers on.
Key moments of interest:
Can space shuttles really land in the LA river? Does it matter? (Swank at her finest.)
The pompous asshole summarizes doomsday scenario for president.
Young brash scientist dazzles his students with a ultra-detailed chalkboard drawing. (OMG! Your assistant's a Cylon!)
"Come with us, sir. Don't ask any questions." (All government goons sound the same.)
Why won't anyone believe this ruggedly handsome up and coming scientific superstar?
"I'll do it, but on my own terms." (Plenty of scientists talk like this, I'm sure.)
Meanwhile out in the desert, an outcast scientist with too much metal and time on his hands constructs a very special ship.
It's made of Unobtanium! (Ha ha.) And sonic lasers.
Hottie McAstronaut (Swank) just can't get it right. If only someone would encourage her.
Here we go! Is this going to work? I certainly hope so. (It's an action move. Of course it'll work.)
Ship gets stuck on crystal. First heart-wrenching sacrifice occurs. (Cue tissues.)
We've gotta get those nuke codes. At any cost. Sacrifice #2. (And of course it's the French guy.)
And after all this trouble, they realize it's not going to work. The plan is flawed.
Some goobeldly gook later, and a solution is found.
Third sacrifice. But this guy sucks, so it's okay.
Success comes with a price. And some fooling around (maybe).
Lava tube roller coaster. Destination: the surface of the Earth.
Cue heroic music. Will humanity ever learn?
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: Do you feel that the movie's overriding video game feel says something about our current over-reliance on technology?
CRABS: Well, I think the answer is ultimately a definitive maybe. Here's why. For all of their technology and modern hubris, our heroes ultimately rely upon their own courage and the indomitable spirit which drives them to greatness in order to complete their task. So as a result of this, I see technology not in addition to humanity, but as augmenting humanity's collective consciousness.
ANG: Some have claimed that this movie is full of junk science. Do you feel as if this is the case, and if so, does it detract from the movie's moral lessons for us all?
CRABS: Junk science -- I say balderdash to that. I see the role of cinema in society as one of empowerment, inspiration, and futurity. So in this sense I feel the movie is doing what it was intended, and while some of the scientific principles present in this film are ambitious, they set a definitive standard of excellence that I think our modern scientists would do well to attain. As for the morality of the science, I've always thought that science and morality went hand-in-hand. For to be a scientific man is to be a thinking man. And to be a thinking man is to be a moral man. Ergo, science equals morality.
ANG: Do you feel as if Unobtanium is intended to be a metaphor for the continual triumph of the human spirit?
CRABS: Undoubtedly. For the principle characteristic of Unobtainum is that the more pressure it's subjected to, the stronger it becomes. I can't think of a more eloquent or poetic illustration of the will of man to dominate the natural world.
ANG: What do you feel this movie has to say about the unfortunate economic realities in which we currently find ourselves?
CRABS: Well, clearly the lasseiz-faire manner in which the government conducted seismic tests that possibly stopped the core's rotation, therefore dooming humanity, is a clear parallel to the wanton disregard for prudence and foresight which permeates nearly every level of our financial institutions. Both situations, not coincidentally, seem to be remedied through increased oversight and scientific ingenuity.
ANG: So are you suggesting that this movie advocates a return to Keynesian economic policies?
CRABS: No, because that's socialist crap. Shut your liberal face, your Karl Marx loving Cuban cigar smoking Chairman Mao worshipping pinko.
ANG: I think we've gotten off track here...
For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle another classic: the epic disaster movie Volcano.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (and a fondue fork, too).
Plot summary: The core of the Earth has stopped spinning. Really. Why? The answer will shock you! As is often the case in history, a cobbled-together group consisting of a disgraced shuttle pilot looking for redemption and a zany group of misfit scientists, is the only thing that stands between us and total annihilation by solar radiation. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...) An improbable craft takes them on an improbable journey to deliver a nuclear blast. Some are lost along the way. Some find themselves. Some persevere. And, as is always the case, humanity soldiers on.
Key moments of interest:
Can space shuttles really land in the LA river? Does it matter? (Swank at her finest.)
The pompous asshole summarizes doomsday scenario for president.
Young brash scientist dazzles his students with a ultra-detailed chalkboard drawing. (OMG! Your assistant's a Cylon!)
"Come with us, sir. Don't ask any questions." (All government goons sound the same.)
Why won't anyone believe this ruggedly handsome up and coming scientific superstar?
"I'll do it, but on my own terms." (Plenty of scientists talk like this, I'm sure.)
Meanwhile out in the desert, an outcast scientist with too much metal and time on his hands constructs a very special ship.
It's made of Unobtanium! (Ha ha.) And sonic lasers.
Hottie McAstronaut (Swank) just can't get it right. If only someone would encourage her.
Here we go! Is this going to work? I certainly hope so. (It's an action move. Of course it'll work.)
Ship gets stuck on crystal. First heart-wrenching sacrifice occurs. (Cue tissues.)
We've gotta get those nuke codes. At any cost. Sacrifice #2. (And of course it's the French guy.)
And after all this trouble, they realize it's not going to work. The plan is flawed.
Some goobeldly gook later, and a solution is found.
Third sacrifice. But this guy sucks, so it's okay.
Success comes with a price. And some fooling around (maybe).
Lava tube roller coaster. Destination: the surface of the Earth.
Cue heroic music. Will humanity ever learn?
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: Do you feel that the movie's overriding video game feel says something about our current over-reliance on technology?
CRABS: Well, I think the answer is ultimately a definitive maybe. Here's why. For all of their technology and modern hubris, our heroes ultimately rely upon their own courage and the indomitable spirit which drives them to greatness in order to complete their task. So as a result of this, I see technology not in addition to humanity, but as augmenting humanity's collective consciousness.
ANG: Some have claimed that this movie is full of junk science. Do you feel as if this is the case, and if so, does it detract from the movie's moral lessons for us all?
CRABS: Junk science -- I say balderdash to that. I see the role of cinema in society as one of empowerment, inspiration, and futurity. So in this sense I feel the movie is doing what it was intended, and while some of the scientific principles present in this film are ambitious, they set a definitive standard of excellence that I think our modern scientists would do well to attain. As for the morality of the science, I've always thought that science and morality went hand-in-hand. For to be a scientific man is to be a thinking man. And to be a thinking man is to be a moral man. Ergo, science equals morality.
ANG: Do you feel as if Unobtanium is intended to be a metaphor for the continual triumph of the human spirit?
CRABS: Undoubtedly. For the principle characteristic of Unobtainum is that the more pressure it's subjected to, the stronger it becomes. I can't think of a more eloquent or poetic illustration of the will of man to dominate the natural world.
ANG: What do you feel this movie has to say about the unfortunate economic realities in which we currently find ourselves?
CRABS: Well, clearly the lasseiz-faire manner in which the government conducted seismic tests that possibly stopped the core's rotation, therefore dooming humanity, is a clear parallel to the wanton disregard for prudence and foresight which permeates nearly every level of our financial institutions. Both situations, not coincidentally, seem to be remedied through increased oversight and scientific ingenuity.
ANG: So are you suggesting that this movie advocates a return to Keynesian economic policies?
CRABS: No, because that's socialist crap. Shut your liberal face, your Karl Marx loving Cuban cigar smoking Chairman Mao worshipping pinko.
ANG: I think we've gotten off track here...
For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle another classic: the epic disaster movie Volcano.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (and a fondue fork, too).
Monday, May 4, 2009
Deep Impact -- or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Asteroid.
Facts: released in 1998; starring a youthful Elijah Wood, soon-to-be Mrs. David Duchovny (Tea Leoni), and an always-wise Morgan Freeman (the pre-Obama).
The year was 1998. The mood of the county was optimistic yet restrained. Two dueling Hollywood blockbusters (with the same dubious premise) were released during the summer. One of them starred Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis, and featured a godawful Aerosmith song...but we're not talking about that one -- yet. For at the same time that this movie was disgracing American theaters, its red-headed stepbrother of a movie was underwhelming the box office and disappointing fans across the nation.
Plot summary: Killer asteroid from beyond known time and space sets its sights on our humble home. What could possibly defeat this astronomical evil? Nothing, as it turns out. But in the meantime, we're treated to an interstellar voyage of redemption and the triumph of the human spirit. Not to mention a ridiculously contrived subplot involving stupid teens who get married. Basically, the idea is to drill holes into this asteroid (after landing on it, which is just so believable) and exploding it with nuclear warheads. When this fails, it's a no-holds-barred save yourself fest in a race against time.
Key moments of interest:
Will nobody pay attention to this 14-year-old amateur astronomer?
Morgan Freeman's the president, OMG!
The best simulation NASA can afford is a toy shuttle on a stick and a globe.
Those plucky astronauts grin and bear it for the good of humanity.
This one has no slow astronaut walk...which makes it extra-lame.
The obligatory training montage, however, remains.
Where once there was one (asteroid), now there are two. Oops.
Two teens get married...and somehow it's supposed to be compelling. Is that even legal?
I guess we're hosed...now what?
Well, it's a good thing we built these underground bunkers just in case, huh?
Mrs. David Duchovny and her estranged father take on the ocean...and lose.
Tidal waves are big, mkay?
Mr. and Mrs. Frodo steal a dirt bike and head for the hills.
3...2....1...impact! (Kabloom!) Good-bye, east coast.
Wow, I guess that wasn't as bad as we thought. Humanity perseveres. (Though it's almost too bad if they're going to continue to make movies like this.)
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: Does the obligatory estranged father subplot make this movie even a tad more interesting?
ANG: Without a doubt. It was the lynch pin subplot of the movie...and the emotional hook that kept me watching.
CRABS: If by lynch pin, you mean the pipe that carries to the toilet water to the processing plant, I would have to agree. Do you think that her father's remarrying a younger woman typifies our current obsession with new technology and latest fads?
ANG: Without a doubt. The acquisition of, in this case, a newer, younger model of wife, is an obvious metaphor for how we as a society devalue anything that isn't bright and shiny.
CRABS: Her father finally reconciles with her when his new wife leaves him. What do you think this means about the importance of a strong male role model in today's modern family? In particular, a strong male presence a matter of necessity or convenience?
ANG: I think it's both. As we see in the movie, Leoni's character does just fine without her father, at least career-wise. Clearly, a woman does not need a man just as a fish does not need a bicycle. However, as we see at the end of the movie, it is the love of her father which allows her to face her impending demise with grace and dignity. So at this point, this presence is a matter of necessity.
CRABS: Leoni's mother ends up taking her own life so as to die on her own terms. What do you think this says about the role of fate and pre-ordination in our lives?
ANG: Well, it's funny you should ask that. Most likely, had her mother not taken her own life, she would've died when the little asteroid hit the east coast. So in this way, she was accepting her own mortality. That said, her reason for doing so, which we are led to believe is her own loneliness, makes her seem a bit weak. She has chosen this end for herself, but at what cost? I would say the cost is her self-respect.
For next time: Tune in soon when Ang and Crabs tackle another movie great...The Core! (Great, of course, being a relative term.)
Rating: two sticks in the eye (bad but watchable)
The year was 1998. The mood of the county was optimistic yet restrained. Two dueling Hollywood blockbusters (with the same dubious premise) were released during the summer. One of them starred Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis, and featured a godawful Aerosmith song...but we're not talking about that one -- yet. For at the same time that this movie was disgracing American theaters, its red-headed stepbrother of a movie was underwhelming the box office and disappointing fans across the nation.
Plot summary: Killer asteroid from beyond known time and space sets its sights on our humble home. What could possibly defeat this astronomical evil? Nothing, as it turns out. But in the meantime, we're treated to an interstellar voyage of redemption and the triumph of the human spirit. Not to mention a ridiculously contrived subplot involving stupid teens who get married. Basically, the idea is to drill holes into this asteroid (after landing on it, which is just so believable) and exploding it with nuclear warheads. When this fails, it's a no-holds-barred save yourself fest in a race against time.
Key moments of interest:
Will nobody pay attention to this 14-year-old amateur astronomer?
Morgan Freeman's the president, OMG!
The best simulation NASA can afford is a toy shuttle on a stick and a globe.
Those plucky astronauts grin and bear it for the good of humanity.
This one has no slow astronaut walk...which makes it extra-lame.
The obligatory training montage, however, remains.
Where once there was one (asteroid), now there are two. Oops.
Two teens get married...and somehow it's supposed to be compelling. Is that even legal?
I guess we're hosed...now what?
Well, it's a good thing we built these underground bunkers just in case, huh?
Mrs. David Duchovny and her estranged father take on the ocean...and lose.
Tidal waves are big, mkay?
Mr. and Mrs. Frodo steal a dirt bike and head for the hills.
3...2....1...impact! (Kabloom!) Good-bye, east coast.
Wow, I guess that wasn't as bad as we thought. Humanity perseveres. (Though it's almost too bad if they're going to continue to make movies like this.)
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: Does the obligatory estranged father subplot make this movie even a tad more interesting?
ANG: Without a doubt. It was the lynch pin subplot of the movie...and the emotional hook that kept me watching.
CRABS: If by lynch pin, you mean the pipe that carries to the toilet water to the processing plant, I would have to agree. Do you think that her father's remarrying a younger woman typifies our current obsession with new technology and latest fads?
ANG: Without a doubt. The acquisition of, in this case, a newer, younger model of wife, is an obvious metaphor for how we as a society devalue anything that isn't bright and shiny.
CRABS: Her father finally reconciles with her when his new wife leaves him. What do you think this means about the importance of a strong male role model in today's modern family? In particular, a strong male presence a matter of necessity or convenience?
ANG: I think it's both. As we see in the movie, Leoni's character does just fine without her father, at least career-wise. Clearly, a woman does not need a man just as a fish does not need a bicycle. However, as we see at the end of the movie, it is the love of her father which allows her to face her impending demise with grace and dignity. So at this point, this presence is a matter of necessity.
CRABS: Leoni's mother ends up taking her own life so as to die on her own terms. What do you think this says about the role of fate and pre-ordination in our lives?
ANG: Well, it's funny you should ask that. Most likely, had her mother not taken her own life, she would've died when the little asteroid hit the east coast. So in this way, she was accepting her own mortality. That said, her reason for doing so, which we are led to believe is her own loneliness, makes her seem a bit weak. She has chosen this end for herself, but at what cost? I would say the cost is her self-respect.
For next time: Tune in soon when Ang and Crabs tackle another movie great...The Core! (Great, of course, being a relative term.)
Rating: two sticks in the eye (bad but watchable)
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