Volcano, or I Lava LA

Facts: The year was 1997. The nation was stumbling uncertainly preceding the impeachment of Slick Willie. The economy was booming, but underneath it all lay a magma chamber of doubt that was to render the the fabric of the nation asunder. Americans needed something to soothe their weary nerves. Strangely enough, that something was Volcano, a big-budget epic that redefined disaster movies as we know them. Starring Tommy "Establish a Perimeter" Jones, Anne "Maybe I'm a Lesbian, but Not Really" Heche, and Don "The Everyman" Cheadle.

Plot summary: Tommy takes a break from his long overdue vacation with his estranged daughter to check in on the happenings at the LA Emergency Response Center (or something like that). While he proceeds to neglect his daughter once again, across town totally believable geologist Anne is tooling about as geologists are wont to do and comes across some disturbing findings. Following a horrific subway accident, in which seven people are burned to a crisp, Tommy and Anne are sent to investigate. Thus begins a hazily-defined, ultimately-unrequited (and revolting) romantic interest storyline. They ultimately discover a surging magma chamber which finds in the La Brea tar pits a convenient mode of escape. As missile-like magma and rock fragments rain down upon unsuspecting citizens, Tommy takes it upon himself to initiate a battle against Mother Nature in an attempt to save the city. Somewhere along the way, his daughter is sent to the hospital (to treat a burn or somesuch). Eventually they decide that the lava must he stopped at all costs, at which point the logical solution to the problem is to build a lava barricade out of slabs of concrete. However, undeterred by the beaverish humans, the lava finds another route, at which point only the destruction of a newly-built office tower will divert the lava into the LA River and harmlessly out to sea, therefore ensuring the safety of the city and the continuation of humanity as we know it.

Key moments of interest:
Tommy's daughter arrives. She does not like him. Neither do we.
She's listlessly awaiting the conclusion of her unfulfilling vacation...oh, but wait...
The geological bosom buddies enter the sewers. One is more attractive than the other. Three guesses as to which one leaves unscathed.
Why won't anyone listen to this stunning female scientist?
Tommy can't get enough work even when he's supposed to be on vacation.
"Relax, we've got it under control."
The tar pits are boiling. Nothing to worry about, surely.
All Hell breaks loose! Lava lava everywhere!
Did Tommy seriously just dodge that lava missile?! What a pimp!
It's like Vietnam out here!
Anne and Tommy dangle precariously from a ladder. Miraculously they survive, escaping by the skin of their teeth.
Little Whiner Jones gets shipped off to the hospital where she finds her inner woman.
"Let's get these barriers up and stop this lava, dammit! They're our only hope!"
Remarkably, this ingenious plan doesn't work. The lava remains on the move.
Heart-rending Good Samaritan sacrifice number 1. Did that guy just walk on lava?
Second ingenious plan. Let's blow up this here building and make another dam.
Heart-rending Good Samaritan sacrifice number 2. There's no time to wire the charges, so I'll stay behind to do it myself.
Kablam!
Tommy races the falling debris to save his only daughter and some random kids.
The plan works (this time). The city rejoices. Nevermind that half the city is covered in smoldering lava.

Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: So Tommy Lee's workaholic attitude is prevalent throughout the film. What do you think this means in the context of his subsequent fight against Mother Nature.
ANG: Well, I think this reflects an Enlightenment view of the world, in which we are constantly evolving and bettering ourselves. To whit, we see that Tommy Lee's commitment to his work is a hindrance to his relationship with his insufferable daughter. However, it is this very flaw which allows him to save the greater LA area. We see, then, that this movie clearly advocates the philosophical position that one's greatest flaw is also one's greatest strength.
CRABS: Question numero 2. There's an obvious sub-current of sexual attraction between Tommy and Anne. And yet this is never really explored in the movie. Do you think this discouraging or encouraging to single parents looking for love?
ANG: I think the movie is ultimately non-committal in this regard. Anne Heche is presented as a strong woman who happens to have a prestigious career in the sciences. However, despite her many successes in this arena, she longs for human companionship. So unfortunately, single parents looking to this movie for inspiration are going to find the message that success can get in the way of love.
CRABS: So Don Cheadle is Tommy's second in command at the emergency whatever center. Clearly he is capable of running the show and longs to do so. Yet the oppressive T-Bone is obviously holding him back. Discuss the relevance of this is light of affirmative action policies.
ANG: I think the movie, being as it is a force for social change, has much to say in this regard. Cheadle's character has not benefited from affirmative action, because he is not in charge. However, his skill set is such that he would not require the aid of such policies. The movie is quite certainly indicating that affirmative action is no longer necessary.
CRABS: As in so many disaster movies, the presence of a world-altering event is the impetus to bring estranged families together again. The implication being that this reunion would not have happened in the absence of said event. Does this mean the social fabric of our country is unraveling around us, and the family as we know it is no longer a relevant cultural institution?
ANG: Without a doubt. Though we can find comfort in the fact that these reunions do happen, they do not occur in an authentic manner. The situations in which they happen are dire ones, and therefore not indicative of a genuine desire to mend the family unit, but rather a misguided desire to fix one's mistakes before death.
CRABS: Once again Los Angeles is the scene of a horrendous cataclysm, which seems to be a recurrign theme in this genre. Is this a covert attempt by the conservative media to portray popular culture as fundamentally corrupt and divisive?
ANG: It's funny you should ask that, because my dissertation is on this very subject.
CRABS: How fortuitous.
ANG: Isn't it, though? Anyway, I think this represents much self-awareness on the part of Hollywood. That is to say, Hollywood is clearly a cesspool or immorality. Yet movies such as this one indicate that denizens of said cesspool know this and are both comfortable with it and conflicted about it.

For next time:
Ang and Crabs tackle a movie (Savage Planet) so bad they are undergoing intensive psychotherapy to forget about it, and blogging is part of the treatment.

Rating: three sticks on the eye (for prolonged lack of plot development).