Deep Impact -- or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Asteroid.

Facts: released in 1998; starring a youthful Elijah Wood, soon-to-be Mrs. David Duchovny (Tea Leoni), and an always-wise Morgan Freeman (the pre-Obama).

The year was 1998. The mood of the county was optimistic yet restrained. Two dueling Hollywood blockbusters (with the same dubious premise) were released during the summer. One of them starred Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis, and featured a godawful Aerosmith song...but we're not talking about that one -- yet. For at the same time that this movie was disgracing American theaters, its red-headed stepbrother of a movie was underwhelming the box office and disappointing fans across the nation.

Plot summary: Killer asteroid from beyond known time and space sets its sights on our humble home. What could possibly defeat this astronomical evil? Nothing, as it turns out. But in the meantime, we're treated to an interstellar voyage of redemption and the triumph of the human spirit. Not to mention a ridiculously contrived subplot involving stupid teens who get married. Basically, the idea is to drill holes into this asteroid (after landing on it, which is just so believable) and exploding it with nuclear warheads. When this fails, it's a no-holds-barred save yourself fest in a race against time.

Key moments of interest:
Will nobody pay attention to this 14-year-old amateur astronomer?
Morgan Freeman's the president, OMG!
The best simulation NASA can afford is a toy shuttle on a stick and a globe.
Those plucky astronauts grin and bear it for the good of humanity.
This one has no slow astronaut walk...which makes it extra-lame.
The obligatory training montage, however, remains.
Where once there was one (asteroid), now there are two. Oops.
Two teens get married...and somehow it's supposed to be compelling. Is that even legal?
I guess we're hosed...now what?
Well, it's a good thing we built these underground bunkers just in case, huh?
Mrs. David Duchovny and her estranged father take on the ocean...and lose.
Tidal waves are big, mkay?
Mr. and Mrs. Frodo steal a dirt bike and head for the hills.
3...2....1...impact! (Kabloom!) Good-bye, east coast.
Wow, I guess that wasn't as bad as we thought. Humanity perseveres. (Though it's almost too bad if they're going to continue to make movies like this.)

Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: Does the obligatory estranged father subplot make this movie even a tad more interesting?
ANG: Without a doubt. It was the lynch pin subplot of the movie...and the emotional hook that kept me watching.
CRABS: If by lynch pin, you mean the pipe that carries to the toilet water to the processing plant, I would have to agree. Do you think that her father's remarrying a younger woman typifies our current obsession with new technology and latest fads?
ANG: Without a doubt. The acquisition of, in this case, a newer, younger model of wife, is an obvious metaphor for how we as a society devalue anything that isn't bright and shiny.
CRABS: Her father finally reconciles with her when his new wife leaves him. What do you think this means about the importance of a strong male role model in today's modern family? In particular, a strong male presence a matter of necessity or convenience?
ANG: I think it's both. As we see in the movie, Leoni's character does just fine without her father, at least career-wise. Clearly, a woman does not need a man just as a fish does not need a bicycle. However, as we see at the end of the movie, it is the love of her father which allows her to face her impending demise with grace and dignity. So at this point, this presence is a matter of necessity.
CRABS: Leoni's mother ends up taking her own life so as to die on her own terms. What do you think this says about the role of fate and pre-ordination in our lives?
ANG: Well, it's funny you should ask that. Most likely, had her mother not taken her own life, she would've died when the little asteroid hit the east coast. So in this way, she was accepting her own mortality. That said, her reason for doing so, which we are led to believe is her own loneliness, makes her seem a bit weak. She has chosen this end for herself, but at what cost? I would say the cost is her self-respect.

For next time: Tune in soon when Ang and Crabs tackle another movie great...The Core! (Great, of course, being a relative term.)

Rating: two sticks in the eye (bad but watchable)