The Core -- A Journey to the Center of Inanity

Facts: The year was 2003. Three years previous, the world had failed to come to an end. The release of this movie was surely punishment for all of humanity. Starring two rising stars (at least until the movie came out), Aaron (Two-Face) Eckhart and Hilary (Million Dollar) Swank, The Core is a veritable fruitcake of fantasy science, political wrangling, white-knuckled space shuttle piloting, and emotionally draining moral conundrums.

Plot summary: The core of the Earth has stopped spinning. Really. Why? The answer will shock you! As is often the case in history, a cobbled-together group consisting of a disgraced shuttle pilot looking for redemption and a zany group of misfit scientists, is the only thing that stands between us and total annihilation by solar radiation. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...) An improbable craft takes them on an improbable journey to deliver a nuclear blast. Some are lost along the way. Some find themselves. Some persevere. And, as is always the case, humanity soldiers on.

Key moments of interest:
Can space shuttles really land in the LA river? Does it matter? (Swank at her finest.)
The pompous asshole summarizes doomsday scenario for president.
Young brash scientist dazzles his students with a ultra-detailed chalkboard drawing. (OMG! Your assistant's a Cylon!)
"Come with us, sir. Don't ask any questions." (All government goons sound the same.)
Why won't anyone believe this ruggedly handsome up and coming scientific superstar?
"I'll do it, but on my own terms." (Plenty of scientists talk like this, I'm sure.)
Meanwhile out in the desert, an outcast scientist with too much metal and time on his hands constructs a very special ship.
It's made of Unobtanium! (Ha ha.) And sonic lasers.
Hottie McAstronaut (Swank) just can't get it right. If only someone would encourage her.
Here we go! Is this going to work? I certainly hope so. (It's an action move. Of course it'll work.)
Ship gets stuck on crystal. First heart-wrenching sacrifice occurs. (Cue tissues.)
We've gotta get those nuke codes. At any cost. Sacrifice #2. (And of course it's the French guy.)
And after all this trouble, they realize it's not going to work. The plan is flawed.
Some goobeldly gook later, and a solution is found.
Third sacrifice. But this guy sucks, so it's okay.
Success comes with a price. And some fooling around (maybe).
Lava tube roller coaster. Destination: the surface of the Earth.
Cue heroic music. Will humanity ever learn?

Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: Do you feel that the movie's overriding video game feel says something about our current over-reliance on technology?
CRABS: Well, I think the answer is ultimately a definitive maybe. Here's why. For all of their technology and modern hubris, our heroes ultimately rely upon their own courage and the indomitable spirit which drives them to greatness in order to complete their task. So as a result of this, I see technology not in addition to humanity, but as augmenting humanity's collective consciousness.
ANG: Some have claimed that this movie is full of junk science. Do you feel as if this is the case, and if so, does it detract from the movie's moral lessons for us all?
CRABS: Junk science -- I say balderdash to that. I see the role of cinema in society as one of empowerment, inspiration, and futurity. So in this sense I feel the movie is doing what it was intended, and while some of the scientific principles present in this film are ambitious, they set a definitive standard of excellence that I think our modern scientists would do well to attain. As for the morality of the science, I've always thought that science and morality went hand-in-hand. For to be a scientific man is to be a thinking man. And to be a thinking man is to be a moral man. Ergo, science equals morality.
ANG: Do you feel as if Unobtanium is intended to be a metaphor for the continual triumph of the human spirit?
CRABS: Undoubtedly. For the principle characteristic of Unobtainum is that the more pressure it's subjected to, the stronger it becomes. I can't think of a more eloquent or poetic illustration of the will of man to dominate the natural world.
ANG: What do you feel this movie has to say about the unfortunate economic realities in which we currently find ourselves?
CRABS: Well, clearly the lasseiz-faire manner in which the government conducted seismic tests that possibly stopped the core's rotation, therefore dooming humanity, is a clear parallel to the wanton disregard for prudence and foresight which permeates nearly every level of our financial institutions. Both situations, not coincidentally, seem to be remedied through increased oversight and scientific ingenuity.
ANG: So are you suggesting that this movie advocates a return to Keynesian economic policies?
CRABS: No, because that's socialist crap. Shut your liberal face, your Karl Marx loving Cuban cigar smoking Chairman Mao worshipping pinko.
ANG: I think we've gotten off track here...

For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle another classic: the epic disaster movie Volcano.

Rating: four sticks in the eye (and a fondue fork, too).