Savage Planet - a beary bad movie (groan)...

Facts: The year was 2006. Special effects were at their zenith, but you wouldn't know it from this movie. From the depths of Hell came a movie so awful that Ang & Crabs had to hold their eyelids open with duct tape to get through it. The writer's strike was a year away, and we hold this movie solely responsible. The existence of a script as awful as this one may have caused it. Starring nobody worth remembering or mentioning (and nobody with a career today, except maybe the bears).

Plot summary: (Note: the term "plot summary" is in this case a relative term, and all of the characters' names are made up because none of them are remotely memorable). In the hazily defined future, some sort of virus or plague or something threatens Earth and the survival of humanity. Bad boy special agent D.B. McGee is called in for a perilous and top secret assignment. Turns out he'll be working for evil billionaire George W. Bush. George's previous crack team of cronies has discovered a secret planet with miraculous properties that may well hold the key to the resurrection of the human species. After some high-tech tomfoolery, our heroes (McGee and his team) are transported across the universe by a transporter that would've looked shitty on the old Star Trek, and land on Mystery Planet X. What ensues is a heart-stopping race against time, mutant bears, and their own internal demons culminating in a completely forgettable climax which is sure to leave audiences with jaws agape in a suicidal stupor.

Key moments of interest (well, key moments, at least):
Surprisingly the future looks like circa 1993.
Tree, meet hand. Hand, meet machete.
There's bears in them thar caves.
This antifreeze is magical!
The team is assembled: we've got D.B. McGee, Annoying Nerd Guy, Comic Relief Clown, Serious Military Man, George W. Bush, Hottie Scientist #1, and Hottie Scientist #2.
Step inside this concoction of PVC pipe and tinfoil and prepare for the ride of your life!
On Planet X, the transporter breaks down. We're trapped!
What was that rustling in the bushes? Probably just the squirrels.
Some guy (Comic Relief Clown?) is decapitated. By a bear. Really.
Wander, bear, die. Wander, bear, die. Repeat.
"You've been lying to us this whole time! You son of a bitch!"
Hottie Scientist #2 is cut in half. By a bear.
Annoying Nerd Guy takes off to find a mythological second transporter.
The planet is (somehow) tearing itself apart.
Surely there aren't any mutant bears in this cave! Cue bear decapitation.
Hottie Scientist #1 has had enough and grabs a gun.
What's left of the bunch tracks down Annoying Nerd Guy at the transporter pad.
As they're trying to escape, George W. Bush attempts to foil their escape.
GWB is sacrificed to the bears.
Due to the heroic sacrifice of Annoying Nerd Guy, Hottie Scientist #1 and D.B. McGee make it back to Earth with the Serum of Life.
D.B. and Hottie give a passionate speech about saving humanity and hope for the future and whatnot.

Special to today's conversation, the ICBIWT crew would like to welcome Dr. Ned Slandesky, distinguished professor of sociology and cryptozoology at the University of Southern Maine -- Pemberton campus. Per Dr. Slandesky's request, the theme of today's discussion will be "Savage Planet as a catalyst for the abolition of cinematic conventions and redefinition."

CRABS: Thank you for joining us today Professor Slandesky. I know you just got back from delivering the keynote address at the twenty-third international symposium on the state of modern man.
ANG: Yes, your address was exceptional. I particularly liked your comparison of modern soccer players to the deconstructionist ideas espoused by Derrida. Congratulations also on your recent award.
CRABS: Oh yes, of course. The Walter J. Beakman honorary award for contributions to the human dialog. Quite an achievement.
DR. SLANDESKY: Oh, thank you. The award is nothing to sneeze at, even though this is my second time winning it. I'm just glad to be here today. Strasbourg, the site of the conference, is a lovely city, but I find it a bit provincial for my tastes.
ANG: Don't you have a book coming out soon?
DR. SLANDESKY: Yes, of course. But let's not be trite. We're here to discuss the movie. We can talk about my book, Existential Musings and Things I Know: Epistemology in a Modern Age, another time.
CRABS: Clearly Savage Planet subverts every convention of modern film making. Let's begin our discussion with plot. Specifically, do you think the "plot" of the movie was a subtle attempt to mock and vilify our country's political underpinnings?
DR. SLANDESKY: A good question with an obvious answer. In my mind, plot is the most fundamental component of movie-making. Considering the complete absence of coherent plot and the intrinsic stupidity of the events portrayed in the film, I am led to the conclusion that the plot in this movie is an obvious allegory for our federal government. The ineptitude, corruption, and lasciviousness displayed by the characters have obvious parallels in Washington, and their bumbling, fumbling, and ultimately humbling escapades are clearly analogous to what we see in Congress.
ANG: Dr. Slandesky, as I understand it, you are one of the world's foremost Plato scholars. Is this correct?
DR. SLANDESKY: Why, yes. I studied at the University of Central Alberta.
ANG: Ah, very impressive. So let's discuss the philosophical implications of the film. I think they are considerable. The characters in Savage Planet do not understand the nature of their own humanity, and as such, are destroyed by it. Do you feel as if the movie hearkens to Plato's allegory of the cave?
DR. SLANDESKY: Ignoring the rather obvious inclusion of cave scenes and cave-dwelling bears, I do agree that the allegory is present, but I find it rather subtle. The bears represent the collective internal demons of humanity. When the characters are confronted by the bears, they lose in an often spectacular and gruesome fashion. A more prescient and apt metaphor for the internal struggle of good versus evil has never permeated my consciousness. In this way, the characters look to the cave walls for guidance on their life's paths but find only shadows, much as in Plato's masterwork. The regenerative substance found in the cave ultimately redeems them and all of humanity.
CRABS: Since you brought up the bears, let's continue on that topic. You've mentioned your interpretation of the symbolism of the bears, but I would like to offer a contrasting viewpoint.
ANG: But Dr. Slandesky is an expert on bears. He spent two years studying them in the Yukon. He lived in solitary confinement on Kodiak Island.
CRABS: Well, excellent then. Respond to the following statement. The bears, which are, lest we forget, mutant bears, represent the future. Their struggle against the characters represents the human quest towards the unknown and thirst for knowledge. And yet almost everyone is ultimately destroyed by the bears. Therefore, one must conclude that we are destined to destroy ourselves via a dystopic future of our own creation.
DR. SLANDESKY: Well, that's obviously preposterous. Anyone who has studied modern cinema as I have knows that bears are clear Oedipal references and as such cannot be harbingers of doom and despair. I refuse to answer such a pedestrian question. Ludicrous!
ANG: Apologies for the insult, Dr. Slandesky. Clearly we do not possess insight such as yours. One final question. We don't want to keep you too long. We know you have responsibilities to the National Society for the Furtherance of Modern Study of Paradigm Shifts. Let's discuss the dialog in the film. On the surface, it seems simple, even pedantic. And yet upon further study we find that every possible instance the dialog acts to reinforce the existing character archetypes. Do you think this was intentional or just purely coincidental?
DR. SLANDESKY: Well, it's funny you should ask, as I was actually selected by a group of my peers to edit the original screenplay. I took particular interest in the dialogue of the movie and essentially rewrote it to reinforce the stereotypes present in the film and to create a subtextual personality study highlighting the six dominant personality types as illustrated in my seminal book The Modern American Consciousness: A Codification Strategy for Adults.
CRABS: Well, I think that's about all the time we have. We'll let you get back to your studies, and we look forward to working with you on future projects.
ANG: Yes, you've been very insightful. We're pleased to have a scholar of your caliber to share his wisdom.
DR. SLANDESKY: Yes, yes. It's been a pleasure. I'll send you both copies of my book.

For next time. Armageddon. Oh, happy day.

Rating: nine sticks in the eye and a couple more for good measure. Really, really bad.