Twilight -- I Wish a Sparky Vampire Would Fall in Love with MEEEEEE!

Notes: 2008 will always be remembered as the year of the troop surge, the economic collapse, the election of one Barack Hussein Obama, and the Million Tween March on Washington, where a tidal wave of pre-teen adolescents descended on our Capitol, demanding more romanticized, vacuous entertainment. Congress responded to this by authorizing the Twilight Cinematic Reconstruction Stimulus Act of 2008. Only time will tell if this was a prudent move, but judging by the recent uptick in leading adolescent indicators, we can safely conclude that it was a popular one. Starring Kristen "Jailbait" Stewart, Robert "Pedo-Bear" Pattinson, and a lot of vampires. Yes, real vampires. We're serious. (We're not.)

Plot summary: (This is going to be short, what with not much plot to speak of.) Precocious Phoenix teenager Bella Swan (Stewart) is essentially abandoned by her mother and minor league baseball playing stepfather, and is promptly shipped off to the middle of nowhere (Forks, Washington) to live with her estranged father. Per teenage norm, Bella mopes around, but soon catches the eye of nearly every guy in school, despite having no discernible personality. None of these mere mortals interest her, however, at least not as much as a pallid, stone-faced vampire named Edward, who, being about 108 years old, is a bit old for her. They embark on an illogical and wholly unconvincing romantic journey, which after much breathless panting and lustful staring, finally comes to fruition, at which point these two supposedly find true love while evading dangerous carnivorous. We the audience rediscover how truly stupid it was to be a teenager.

Key moments of interest:
Bella learns that her mother and stepfather are leaving on a whirlwind tour of the U.S. to fulfill his practical minor league baseball aspirations.
Somehow this is more important than maintaining a stable home for their daughter.
Bella is summarily shipped off to Forks, Washington, and is surprisingly not issued a flannel shirt and "Git 'Er Done" hat upon entry.
We meet Bella's emotionally stunted father and his wacky cast of friends, including a kind old Indian and his son, Jacob (making up the final corner of a love triangle you could see from space).
Bella's dad buys her the Christmas gift all the kids want this year: a rusty, unreliable old truck.
It's the first day of school! Oh boy!
We're introduced to her stereotypical gang of friends, including the slightly nerdy but ultimately cool guy, the smart Asian girl, the possibly gay drama guy, and the bubble headed but lovable girl.
Cue lunchtime. Bella's new friends fill her in on the group of strangely pale (and adult-looking) group of mildly incestuous students sitting at a table near the back of the cafeteria.
Did Salman Rushdie write the screenplay for this movie?
One of them is DREAMY! Bella is instantly transfixed by his voluminous hair and alabaster skin.
Next in her exciting schedule is biology class, and the only seat available is the one next to Dreamy Edward from moments before.
In order to arrive at their table, she must brave the windy torrent of a conveniently placed fan in slo-mo.
(At this point during the movie, Crabs began dry-heaving. Luckily he had not eaten anything that day, and Ang's carpet was preserved.)
Dreamy Edward freaks out for no obvious reason, and is later heard requesting a different science class.
Bella, despite having spoken exactly two words to him, is devastated and commences moping yet again.
Later that day, Bella is nearly creamed by a truck, but Dreamy Edward stops it. WITH HIS BARE HANDS. There's something...different about him. (Besides being dreamy.) He does not want to discuss this supernatural occurrence, however, and rebuffs her.
Bella and friends take a trip to the beach (an obvious destination in Forks, Washington), and lo and behold, Jacob (who you'll remember as the third in our triangle) is there. He tells Bella that the Cullens (Dreamy Edward's family) are not allowed on his reservation (gee this foreshadowing is subtle...).
In a delightfully banal scene of adolescent activity, Bella and her mortal friends go prom dress shopping. Because she is totally helpless, Dreamy Edward must save her from a gang of would-be rapists.
He just can't stay away from her, or something equally gag-worthy.
Dreamy Edward and Bella take an ill-advised walk through the woods.
"Do you know what I am?"
Bella does, because vampire is of course the most logical conclusion.
Dreamy Edward puts Bella on his back and sprints to the top of a tree for no obvious reason.
Ah, every girl's dream...to be held captive by a vampire in a tree.
Even dreamy vampires have families...Dreamy Edward invites Bella for dinner, and she meets the whole bloodthirsty clan.
Clumsy Bella cuts herself, and her thoughtful hosts restrain themselves from murdering her on the spot.
This star-crossed duo is now the talk of the town...cue slo-mo scene of pointless walking.
(It's worth mentioning at this point that some folks in Forks have been dying mysteriously, supposedly the victims of some sort of cougar. Crabs wonders at this point if Demi Moore is on the loose. Oh, snap!)
Apparently vampires have typically American interests like baseball, so Bella joins them for a game in a thunderstorm.
All the vamps would give Babe Ruth a run for his money.
But wait...there are intruders! Seems our "cougar" is actually a trio of scofflaw vampires. They do not share the Cullens' disdain for murder, and one of them wants Bella for an appetizer. Seems she can't mask her tasty human smell.
Dreamy Edward unilaterally decides that Bella has to leave town, and they embark on a breakneck quest to get her things and throw her father off the trail.
Bella flies to Phoenix in a futile attempt to throw the (hot) vampire off of her trail, and at some point falls victim to a lame trick to convince her that said vampire has her mother.
She escapes from Dreamy Edward's clutches and heads off to save her mother...from a vampire with superhuman speed and agility. Yeah, she won't need any help at all.
James (the hungry vampire) is waiting for her at her old ballet school, and commences biting her (which is quite painful due to the vampire poison spreading through her system).
But Dreamy Edward, surprising no one, shows up suddenly to save her from her own stupidity.
And then all the Cullens are there. (Bwuh?)
Dreamy Edward is able to restrain himself as he sucks the poison from her arm (but he really, really wants to kill her), and Bella is saved.
Bella and Dreamy Edward goes to the prom. She wants to be a vampire. He says no. How romantic. (Swoon.)
The end (mercifully).

Snarky movie discussion:
Crabs: A lot has been made of the not so subtle sexual subtext of this film and considering the large age gap between the main characters (90 years or so was it?) and the fact that Bella is supposed to be 16 some viewers find this disturbing. With this in mind do you see the rampant popularity of Twilight as a manifestation of the larger liberal agenda of legalizing pedophilia?
Ang: An interesting question. I think it's important to note first that Bella and Edward do not actually have sex, but in fact engage in nothing more than kissing. This to me represents a rather conservative point of view -- that if you absolutely must fall in love with a sparkly vampire more than 100 years older than you, you must save matrimony for the marriage bed. However, we do see some liberalism injected into these sexually-charged scenes, since the two constantly find themselves alone, and with a bed nearby no less. The conservative agenda always wins out, thankfully, and they remain chaste.
Crabs: The movie disregards a longstanding vampire archetype when it is revealed that Edward does not perish in the sunlight but instead sparkles like a diamond. Is this alteration of vampire lore supposed to insinuate that Edward possesses an inner beauty that is hidden to most? If so what does this say about the persecution that vampires have historically endured? Is a vampire rights movement looming on the horizon?
Ang: Thank you for resisting the understandable urge to label this subversion of vampire mythology as "lame." As you insinuate, Edward's sparkling skin is actually indicative of a much more complex ideology. I believe that Edward (who, as some critics have noted, sparkles like he's been doused in glitter glue) represents the inner beauty that is inside of us all, but is in fact hidden when we are shrouded in darkness. Only by casting off the bonds of conformity (in this case, by drinking blood) can we locate our true selves. As to your question about vampire persecution, you know that I am a noted activist for Vampire-Americans, and have been for 50 years. It is my hope that the Twilight saga will shed light, so to speak, on the struggles vampires have historically faced, and remind us all that vampires are people, too. (Or used to be.)
Crabs: Our star-crossed lovers reside in the gloomy town of Forks, a depressed former logging boomtown. Do you believe Twilight was intended as a larger commentary of the challenges of finding love amid economic collapse and pervasive social ennui? Is this Romeo and Juliet for the Great Recession?
Ang: Some have speculated that Forks was chosen as a location for the Twilight saga because the lack of sunlight is a perfect cover for the Cullens, who would certainly stand out in, say, Florida. However, as you have indicated, there is a larger subtext at work here. In fact, few movies represent the horrors of our current recession as well as this one. Bella's father, for instance, is a cop with little money, while the Cullens are well off for no obvious reason. Charlie does not object to his daughter's romance, despite the fact that Edward is richer than he, indicating that he believes himself unable to rise out of his current economic circumstances. I believe Twilight presents a commentary on inter-racial and inter-religious dating, indicating both the perils and satisfaction present in pursuing a romance with one fundamentally different from one's self.

As a special treat for our faithful readers, Ang and Crabs would like to offer the first verse of their soon-to-be released song about Twilight, "Sparkle the Sparkly Vampire," sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon."
Ahem...
Sparkle the sparkly vampire
sparkles in the sun.
Hangin' 'round the schoolyard
tryin' to get him some.

Please feel free to post comments regarding potential subsequent verses.

For next time: Ang and Crabs are proud to present a new guest blogger, to be introduced later. The three will be tackling the classic Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space. (Pray for us.)

Rating: five glitter sticks in the eye.

Super Mario Bros, aka. It's a Me, a Crappy Movie!

Facts: 1993 started out so well. Czechoslovakia ceased to be a country. Bill Clinton was sworn in as president. The Buffalo Bills lost their third consecutive Super Bowl. But all of that happy news was obliterated when a certain "movie" burst forth from the gates of Hell, leaving massacred childhood memories in its wake. Starring Bob Hoskins and, for some reason, John Leguizamo. And Dennis Hopper, who is undoubtedly wondering where his career went. We'd be glad to clue him in.

Plot summary: (A note: Ang & Crabs realize that the use of the term "plot summary" implies that the movie in question actually had a plot. Please understand that though this particular movie does not fit that description, they wish to use this term for continuity.) In the distant past, an asteroid fell to earth. The dinosaurs were wiped out...or were they? Among other catastrophes, the asteroid ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, creating a parallel universe in which lizard-human hybrids live...and plot revenge. In an effort to prevent President Koopa from using a reunited asteroid to take over the world, Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis), complete with an hunk of asteroid, is stashed in the human world, where she grows up to become a buxom grad student. And after catching the eye of Luigi, she manages to stumble upon the portal to the lizard kingdom. Our two bumbling plumbers, Mario and Luigi, who spend their days reinforcing Italian stereotypes, become embroiled in the lizard/human conflict when they agree to help Daisy fix a leaky pipe. Since this movie is theoretically based on the Mario Bros. games, Daisy is kidnapped and Mario and Luigi must save her and prevent the invasion of the lizard people. Which they do, of course, and it isn't very interesting or coherent.

Key moments of interest:
The brothers bumble around being "Italian."
"Oh no, our van is-a broken!"
Sexy mechanic Daisy comes to the rescue, and captures Luigi's heart. Aw!
Cue the double date from Hell: Luigi and Daisy, and Mario and some hooker.
L&D take a romantic stroll through her archeology dig...in the Bronx.
Nameless henchman sabotages the archaeological dig in the name of real estate progress.
The brothers rush to the rescue with their ridiculously over sized wrenches.
Our heroes wrestle with an epic water mane burst while Daisy is spirited away to the lizard kingdom by two reptilian thugs.
They find themselves in the dystopian reptile world, which looks eerily like New York City circa 1982.
The brothers meet a bouncer named Bertha, who will serve no real purpose in the movie.
We catch our first glimpse of impressive reptile world technology: jump boots!
"This slime is alive, and it seems to be helping us. What could it mean?"
Koopa whips out his devolution machine, or devolving machine, whatever. Either way it's ludicrous. He gets Jurassic on someone's ass.
Using jump boots and sheer force of will, M&L locate the incarcerated princess.
At some point, there's a heart-pounding 15mph car chase through the streets of NYC...er, the reptile kingdom.
The devolved goomba comes to their aid.
"Go go! Get back to the human world! We have to seal the portal -- it's the only way!"
Koopa becomes a Koopa kabob.
Our heroes jump through the portal seconds before it closes forever, saving the world as we know it (except Daisy, who stays behind with her newly-evolved father).
Daisy returns, "I need your help!"
This is clearly setting up a sequel, which, mercifully, has yet to be made.

Now to the phones. The ICBIWT phone lines are open, awaiting your calls. We'd like to hear your thoughts on this movie. First up, Elisa from Bothell.
ANG: Hi, Elisa.
CRABS: How's it hanging?
ELISA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm a long-time reader, first-time caller.
ANG: Excellent, glad to hear it.
CRABS: What's your question today?
ELISA: One of my fondest childhood memories is playing the Super Mario Bros games. When I reminisce about this, I can't help but wonder if you see any parallels between this movie adaptation and another childhood game, Pass the Pigs.
CRABS: Oh, I see some obvious similarities. For those who don't know, Pass the Pigs is a classic game in which players role pig-shaped dice in a quest for numerical supremacy. One of the most common poses in the game is a pig lying on its back as if it's just been slaughtered. I can't think of a more apt metaphor for this movie than that of a putrid pig lying on its back exposing its seedy underbelly.
ELISA: I'm wondering what effect this movie has had on your childhood memories. Has this destroyed your idyllic conception of the world as a place where innocence and happiness are still possible?
ANG: Yes. My therapy bills are astronomical, and if I ever get Dennis Hopper's address, I will send them to him. Before we watched this movie, I was a happy-go-lucky, productive member of society. Now I spend my days with a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of white pills, and Growing Pains DVDs. Clearly I am a damaged individual.
CRABS: Thanks for calling, Elisa! We appreciate your candor. Next up on the lines, we have Rene from Redmond. Hi, Rene.
ANG: Hi there.
RENE: Well, I'd like to say it's a pleasure calling in, but considering the topic at hand, I won't insult you with such formalities.
ANG: We appreciate that.
RENE: I'm intrigued by the devolving machine. Do you think that the presence of this machine in the movie hints at some sort of debate about the place of capital punishment in lizard society.
CRABS: Well, the devolving machine isn't actually fatal, and yet is used as punishment for perceived enemies of the state. I think this clearly implies that lizard society at some point in the past had an extensive debate regarding the appropriate punishments for criminals, and obviously concluded that, while rehabilitation is not always assured, the odds in favor of it occurring are increased when intelligence is applied in our criminal justice system.
ANG: An interesting point. I would, however, point out, that Koopa is intensely proud of his evolved state. So in choosing to devolve a criminal, he is, in essence, rendering that individual sub-human. This is a clear parallel to various genocidal regimes in history, all of which viewed their victims as less than human. So in this way, Koopa is inflicting upon these criminals the ultimate punishment -- the denial of their humanity.
RENE: Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind when I...
CRABS: Okay, thanks for calling!
ANG: Bye, Rene! Next up, Chelsea from Seattle.
CRABS: Hey, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Thanks for taking my call. I'm wondering if you have any advice or up-and-coming bad movie bloggers. As you know, children all over the world look up to you and want to emulate you.
CRABS: Well, I think a depraved childhood is probably a prerequisite for being a blogger.
ANG: A good one, at least.
CRABS: True, true. It's hard to say what separates from the wheat from the chaff in the blogosphere. I spent many years studying various topics in the humanities in sciences, preparing for my role as an international blog celebrity. Blog-lebrity, if you will. So I have to say a general comprehensive knowledge of pretty much everything coupled with a keen insight into the foibles of humanity is key.
ANG: I just want to add that some cherished celebrities will tell you that anyone can achieve anything they put their mind to. We disagree. A talent such as ours, which, let's face it, transcends the boundaries of the human intellect, cannot be learned. One could argue that certain skills, which may augment an existing pre-disposition to greatness, can be learned. However, the potential must be there. So any child who wishes to be like us but who lacks a certain spark should give up now.
CHELSEA: That made no sense to me. You are an idiot.
CRABS: Have you read the blog?
ANG: Thanks for your call! That's all the time we have for today!

For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle The Day After Tomorrow. Ugh. We'll be accepting your questions via telegraph and instant messenger.

Rating: five sticks in the eye (and a meatball where the sun don't shine).