Note: Due to overuse, the Cliche-O-Tron in ICBIWT headquarters has suffered a broken flux capacitor. This is a critical research tool for Ang & Crabs, and if you would like to donate to the Cliche-a-Tron Relief Fund, Jerry Lewis will be sponsoring a telethon next month. More details to come.
Facts: Some noteworthy events of 2000 include: The world did not come to an end, despite the "election" of GWB. The St. Louis Rams won the Superbowl. Microsoft released yet another OS behemoth. Vermont legalized same-sex unions. And a tour-de-force roared into movie theaters nationwide. Okay, really, yet another piece of uninspired Hollywood claptrap landed with a splash in a cinema near you. Starring some of Hollywood's finest: George "Pretty Boy" Clooney, Mark "Multi-Talented" Wahlberg, Diane "I'm Inexplicably Playing a 25-Year-Old" Lane, John C. "Never a Leading Man" Reilly, and a hodgepodge cast of miscellaneous weather-beaten fisherfolk.
Plot summary: In the briney yet idyllic Massachusetts hamlet of Gloucester, swordfish captain Billy Tyne (Clooney) concludes the fishing season on a down note, much to the chagrin of his overbearing boss and the amusement of his pseudo love interest. After a rowdy celebration at the local watering hole, which features every type of debauchery and indulgence, including, but not limited to, excessive drinking, one night stands (and premarital sex!), swearing, you get the idea. We can only decide that in a drunken stupor, Clooney decides to head out again for the big score that will surely improve everyone's lives. Nothing could possibly go wrong. In between ignoring every possible warning sign of impending doom, the crew finds time to squabble amongst themselves before motoring themselves into the middle of the previously alluded to perfect storm, which, despite a courageous and valiant effort, ultimately gets the best of our seafearing heroes and they play the game too many men in a phone booth, except it's in Davy Jones's locker. Yeah, so they all die. Every one of 'em.
Key moments of interest:
The (motley) fishing crew returns, and have uninteresting reunions with girlfriends, wives, etc.
Oh, to be young and in love and in New England again. (And impoverished.)
Seems Clooney has lost his razor's edge when it comes to findin' them thar fish. Yarrrr.
He was bested by a female captain. Shatter that glass ceiling, baby!
Well, that catch sucked. Let's go get drunk!
Christina (Lane), the braless wonder, "bounces" down the stairs to meet her studly boyfriend, Bobby (Wahlberg). She looks good for being, like, 75.
Character development time!
Murph (Reilly) has a son from a previous marriage and according to Little Johnny Bigmouth: "Mommy has a new boyfriend!"
Pierre, aka The Foreigner, likes to knock dem boots, much to the delight of the entire bar below.
Bugsy can't get laid to save his life, but eventually finds a glimmer of hope in a gruff barfly named Irene.
Bobby and Christina are disgustingly in love and seem to have melded into one Boston-accented amorous blob.
Billy is lonely and brooding. Just what everyone wants in a sea captain.
(At this point in time, the indicator light in the Cliche-O-Tron seems to have burned out.)
Billy informs the crew that they're going out again. Because by god, he'll find those fish! He always has and he always will! (Famous last words.)
Cue wise villagers..."Going back to the Grand Banks at this time of year is suicide!"
Domestic violence warning: Bobby gets a shiner from Christina when she finds out he's leaving yet again. Them east coast girls is spunky!
The crew's almost complete. The last cog in this perfect machine would be Murph's hated rival, wife-stealer Sully.
The crew heads out into open waters, to much fanfare.
Oh wait, what's that dark cloud on the horizon? Onward, ho!
Some random meteorologist in Boston, we'll call him Comb-over, is going to explain the impending disaster: "Well, what we have here is a recipe for disaster. We've got this doohickey over here and this hurricane over here, and this jet stream up here, and well by gosh, if those three come together at the same time, we could have ourselves a...what's the term I'm looking for...a perfect storm! But that probably won't happen. Maybe."
Oh no, some random boaters somewhere are trapped in a hurricane or something! Why should you care? Hard to say...
Defying all known laws of physics, a Coast Guard helicopter flies through the hurricane to rescue these poor saps.
Never again will man dare to laugh in the face of Mother Nature's fury!
Oh wait...what's that I hear? It sounds like laughing.
Meanwhile back at the Grand Banks, the crew is striking out yet again. Swordfish are hard to come by.
"There just ain't no fish around here, cap'n!"
The fishing goes from bad to much, much worse when they somehow catch a Great White shark, which latches onto one of the crew members (Bobby) and tries to chomp his foot off.
It's a good thing he was wearing shark-proof rubber boots!
Moron Murph is hooked and falls overboard, only to be saved from certain death by his (as you'll recall) hated rival, Sully.
(The Cliche-O-Tron is belching smoke. Perhaps it blew a belt or has a loose gasket.)
In the face of mounting mutiny, Cap'n Crusty Beard decides, instead of packing it in, they're going to motor out further to the dreaded Flemish Cap. Not the Flemish Cap, are you crazy!!!
Oh, is it getting even darker over there on the horizon, Cap'n?
"Don't worry, Bobby. This old boat's been through worse."
Party time at the Flemish Cap! Swordfish in abundance!
The celebration comes to an abrupt end when the crew realizes that their cheapskate boss overhauled the ice machine instead of replacing it, forcing them to return to port prematurely.
The townsfolk are worried. They've never seen a storm quite like this before.
Old sea captain Barnacle Pete: "This be the worst storm in nigh on 1,000 years, says I!"
(Is that thumping, vibrating noise coming from the Cliche-O-Tron? Perhaps its rationality modulator has come untethered.)
Christina, who just rented a crappy new apartment for her and Bobby, is understandably peeved.
Meanwhile, back at the meteorologist's news station, the intern says, "Well, that can't possibly be a perfect storm a-brewin'!"
Meteorologist Guy: "Oh, you better believe it. That's a...PERFECT STORM! God help anyone foolish enough to be out fishing with a busted ice machine."
The crew is mid-battle when the windshield gets knocked out by one of their anchors.
The fearless captain ventures out onto the boon to cut it loose. Oh, the suspense...
The crew is up against 20-foot waves! 3o-foot waves! 50 foot waves! A pants-crapping 100-foot wave!
Cap'n Pretty Boy decides they're going to beat the wave at its own game and drive up the side of it, a plan which, despite its genius, doesn't work so well.
Cue the capsizing, drowning, etc.
But wait! Bobby somehow made it out alive! (But he ends up drowning anyway, so it doesn't matter.)
Back on land, the families of the fallen hold a memorial service for the drowned boneheads.
Lady Cap'n: "They were wonderful people and they loved life. But more than life, they loved the sea."
(Oh God! The Cliche-O-Tron's on fire! Get the fire extinguisher!)
Snarky movie discussion:
Due to the stress of making funeral arrangements for the Cliche-O-Tron, Ang & Crabs were not able to have a snarky movie discussion for this entry. Once they have dealt sufficiently with their grief, this feature will return. They would like to leave you with one question to ponder: If the Cap'n Clooney inside of you were in a similar situation, would he have decided to stay in port to go out again? Think on this, and what this says about you as a person. And if need be, go get sloppy drunk in the tradition of the finest seamen.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (plus the Josephine K. Cliche-O-Tron Award for most uninspired screenplay of 2000.)
RIP, Josephine the Cliche-O-Tron, 2009-2009.
Those footprints in the sand are from when we carried you.
Showing posts with label four sticks in the eye. Show all posts
Showing posts with label four sticks in the eye. Show all posts
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Street Fighter -- The Cape of Evil
Facts: Street Fighter began as an arcade game, later becoming popular on several consoles. It is, as its name implies, a fighting game. It has no plot to speak of. Therefore, the most logical option is to make a full-length movie based upon it -- who could star in such an obvious tour de force? Orson Wells? Sidney Potier? No, neither of them were available. We need someone whose acting chops are at least as formidable as his muscular frame. Enter...Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also starring Raul Julia (in what would be his last movie), Kylie Minogue, and a bunch of other people confined to the annals of history.
Plot summary: A magnificent cape, which happens to be worn by a tinpot dictator wanna-be, M. Bison (Julia) plots to take over a third-world country you've never heard of and therefore don't care about (that's because it doesn't exist). This ruffles the feathers of the U.N. -- er, we mean A.N. (Allied Nations), so they send in a meddlesome force spearheaded by none other than the fearless Col. Guile (Van Damme, at his cheesiest). Some low-budget action ensues, which somehow embroils the familiar Street Fighter cast in a deliciously sweet crap brulee, which goes down as easily as a jagged metal Krusty-O.
Key moments of interest:
The costume designer for M. Bison has his own opening credit. This does not bode well.
Crackpot Bison (complete with skull cape) gives us a tour of his impressive styrofoam lair.
M. Bison: "If I don't get 50 BILLION dollars, stat, I'll kill every one of these hostages."
(Taking a break to do some quick math: that's 2.5 billion per platinum-plated hostage.)
Requisite shoving hostages into pit scene. Necks break and so on.
Resident Asian reporter Chun-Li provides a convenient retrospective on the conflict in Shandaloo (it's really called that.)
Guile gives an impassioned interview and vows to bring down Bison at any cost. (Passion or constipation? We can't be sure.)
We learn that one of Bison's hostages is Guile's BFF Blanka.
Bison uses his satellite to broadcast his sinister message. Where's the FCC when you need them?
We meet two more of our protagonists (if you call them that), Ken and Ryu, who turn out to be upstanding citizens/gun-runners (and not very good ones).
Local criminal mastermind Sagat discovers that these two morons have sold him nerf guns, and a beat-fest commences.
Just as Ken and Ryu are about to get their asses kicked, the whole lot of them (masterminds and all) are arrested by A.N. officials and hauled off in a paddywagon
Guile decides they need a man on the inside of Sagat's operation (because, as we see, Sagat is running guns for M. Bison). Note the convoluted and highly complex plot at work here.
Ken and Ryu put on their snitch hats and proceed to ingratiate themselves into Sagat's inner circle.
Cue prison riot. OMG, they killed Guile!
Bison puts his real estate license to good use, revealing his plans for Bisonopolis. Condos starting in the mid-700s. Complete with half off all torture devices for your first year of occupancy.
Hottie reporter Chun-Li, reinforcing delightful stereotypes, dons her little black cat suit (like all reporters wear) and goes off to investigate Guile's death.
Turns out she has a grudge against...you guessed it, Mr. Popularity, M. Bison, who...killed her father or burned her village...or something.
OMG, Guile's a zombie! No, wait, he's just alive after all.
At M. Bison's coming out ball, Sagat & Co. feature Chun-Li's pseudo-seductive dance.
Bison attempts to pay Sagat with Bison Dollars (which will be worth a lot once Bison kidnaps the Queen of England) which leads to some words being exchanged.
Like all good throw-downs, this one ends with a truck bomb going off.
Meanwhile, back in Shandaloo City, Guile finalizes his plans to storm Bison's compound.
Insert yet another passionate speech, this one to his troops.
Not so fast! An A.N. bigwig pisses on Guile's fire, and we learn that they plan to give into Bison's ludicrous ransom demand.
Defying director orders, Guile soldiers on, and he, his right-hand woman, Cammy, and some disposable minions, cram into some sort of boat and head towards Bison's lair.
Oh, no! The cloaking device has failed! Our perfect plan is in danger!
Back in Bison's lab, Guile's BFF Blanka is being morphed into a killing machine with, inexplicably, green skin and red hair.
Bison Corp. is admirably concerned with safety, as they have plastic bags labeled as "DNA Mutagens" all over the place. Safety first!
Somehow (we're not sure how) Guile and crew get into the compound.
Fighting. (Seriously, it's not that interesting.)
Guile kills Bison! No, wait...Guile kills Bison! No, wait...
Blanka, who has retained some vestige of his humanity, helps them herd the hostages to safety. (Me ashamed to be in movie. Kill me, please.)
Guile's dead! No, wait...
This caravan of atrocities is taken out back and mercifully put down.
In lieu of our normal snarky movie discussion, in conjunction with VH1, ICBIWT will be doing a Behind the Scenes special.
First up...Cammy. You wouldn't think it, but this role was actually played by the talented singer Kylie Minogue. Whether this was an attempt on her part to expand her career into film, or perhaps she was just bored and looking for something to do, we'll never know. Following the movie, the pinnacle of her career, as it turned out, she fell into a deep depression. In the fall of 2005, friends held an intervention to confront her about her dependency on Fanta and Ricola cough drops, known on the black market as a Swiss Fizz. She was admitted to the Betty Ford Center for Cute Pop Stars, and promptly turned her life around. Kylie is currently touring in support of her new album, Revolutionary Devolutions Electronic Convolutions.
Moving right along...M. Bison. He's dead. Has been for awhile. Oops.
Next...Chung-Li (played by Ming-Na). The versatile actress used this movie as a springboard to launch herself into the stratosphere of Hong Kong action cinema. However, she was crippled in a tragic cobbling accident, and now tours the world as a motivational speaker. She primarily warns people against the dangers of excessive MSG.
Lastly...Guile. Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme himself. He went on to star in such notable films as the 2007 remake of The King and I (co-starring Sigourney Weaver and Gary Busey). He also reprised his role as Dumbledore in J.K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series, and he appeared also in lesser-known French cinema such as Les Enfants de Miserables, a touching tale of forbidden love and sultry passions set in the south of France in the early 1870s. In addition to his considerable movie work, he also founded a non-profit organization, the International Antarctic Orca Legal Defense Fund, which represents orcas on trial for genocide against seals. He was also chosen to take a trip to the International Space Station about one of the Russian space capsules, and became the first man to successfully defeat a space yeti in hand-to-hand zero G caged combat.
For next time: Ice Pirates, a reader-suggested film.
Rating: four sticks in the eye.
Plot summary: A magnificent cape, which happens to be worn by a tinpot dictator wanna-be, M. Bison (Julia) plots to take over a third-world country you've never heard of and therefore don't care about (that's because it doesn't exist). This ruffles the feathers of the U.N. -- er, we mean A.N. (Allied Nations), so they send in a meddlesome force spearheaded by none other than the fearless Col. Guile (Van Damme, at his cheesiest). Some low-budget action ensues, which somehow embroils the familiar Street Fighter cast in a deliciously sweet crap brulee, which goes down as easily as a jagged metal Krusty-O.
Key moments of interest:
The costume designer for M. Bison has his own opening credit. This does not bode well.
Crackpot Bison (complete with skull cape) gives us a tour of his impressive styrofoam lair.
M. Bison: "If I don't get 50 BILLION dollars, stat, I'll kill every one of these hostages."
(Taking a break to do some quick math: that's 2.5 billion per platinum-plated hostage.)
Requisite shoving hostages into pit scene. Necks break and so on.
Resident Asian reporter Chun-Li provides a convenient retrospective on the conflict in Shandaloo (it's really called that.)
Guile gives an impassioned interview and vows to bring down Bison at any cost. (Passion or constipation? We can't be sure.)
We learn that one of Bison's hostages is Guile's BFF Blanka.
Bison uses his satellite to broadcast his sinister message. Where's the FCC when you need them?
We meet two more of our protagonists (if you call them that), Ken and Ryu, who turn out to be upstanding citizens/gun-runners (and not very good ones).
Local criminal mastermind Sagat discovers that these two morons have sold him nerf guns, and a beat-fest commences.
Just as Ken and Ryu are about to get their asses kicked, the whole lot of them (masterminds and all) are arrested by A.N. officials and hauled off in a paddywagon
Guile decides they need a man on the inside of Sagat's operation (because, as we see, Sagat is running guns for M. Bison). Note the convoluted and highly complex plot at work here.
Ken and Ryu put on their snitch hats and proceed to ingratiate themselves into Sagat's inner circle.
Cue prison riot. OMG, they killed Guile!
Bison puts his real estate license to good use, revealing his plans for Bisonopolis. Condos starting in the mid-700s. Complete with half off all torture devices for your first year of occupancy.
Hottie reporter Chun-Li, reinforcing delightful stereotypes, dons her little black cat suit (like all reporters wear) and goes off to investigate Guile's death.
Turns out she has a grudge against...you guessed it, Mr. Popularity, M. Bison, who...killed her father or burned her village...or something.
OMG, Guile's a zombie! No, wait, he's just alive after all.
At M. Bison's coming out ball, Sagat & Co. feature Chun-Li's pseudo-seductive dance.
Bison attempts to pay Sagat with Bison Dollars (which will be worth a lot once Bison kidnaps the Queen of England) which leads to some words being exchanged.
Like all good throw-downs, this one ends with a truck bomb going off.
Meanwhile, back in Shandaloo City, Guile finalizes his plans to storm Bison's compound.
Insert yet another passionate speech, this one to his troops.
Not so fast! An A.N. bigwig pisses on Guile's fire, and we learn that they plan to give into Bison's ludicrous ransom demand.
Defying director orders, Guile soldiers on, and he, his right-hand woman, Cammy, and some disposable minions, cram into some sort of boat and head towards Bison's lair.
Oh, no! The cloaking device has failed! Our perfect plan is in danger!
Back in Bison's lab, Guile's BFF Blanka is being morphed into a killing machine with, inexplicably, green skin and red hair.
Bison Corp. is admirably concerned with safety, as they have plastic bags labeled as "DNA Mutagens" all over the place. Safety first!
Somehow (we're not sure how) Guile and crew get into the compound.
Fighting. (Seriously, it's not that interesting.)
Guile kills Bison! No, wait...Guile kills Bison! No, wait...
Blanka, who has retained some vestige of his humanity, helps them herd the hostages to safety. (Me ashamed to be in movie. Kill me, please.)
Guile's dead! No, wait...
This caravan of atrocities is taken out back and mercifully put down.
In lieu of our normal snarky movie discussion, in conjunction with VH1, ICBIWT will be doing a Behind the Scenes special.
First up...Cammy. You wouldn't think it, but this role was actually played by the talented singer Kylie Minogue. Whether this was an attempt on her part to expand her career into film, or perhaps she was just bored and looking for something to do, we'll never know. Following the movie, the pinnacle of her career, as it turned out, she fell into a deep depression. In the fall of 2005, friends held an intervention to confront her about her dependency on Fanta and Ricola cough drops, known on the black market as a Swiss Fizz. She was admitted to the Betty Ford Center for Cute Pop Stars, and promptly turned her life around. Kylie is currently touring in support of her new album, Revolutionary Devolutions Electronic Convolutions.
Moving right along...M. Bison. He's dead. Has been for awhile. Oops.
Next...Chung-Li (played by Ming-Na). The versatile actress used this movie as a springboard to launch herself into the stratosphere of Hong Kong action cinema. However, she was crippled in a tragic cobbling accident, and now tours the world as a motivational speaker. She primarily warns people against the dangers of excessive MSG.
Lastly...Guile. Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme himself. He went on to star in such notable films as the 2007 remake of The King and I (co-starring Sigourney Weaver and Gary Busey). He also reprised his role as Dumbledore in J.K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series, and he appeared also in lesser-known French cinema such as Les Enfants de Miserables, a touching tale of forbidden love and sultry passions set in the south of France in the early 1870s. In addition to his considerable movie work, he also founded a non-profit organization, the International Antarctic Orca Legal Defense Fund, which represents orcas on trial for genocide against seals. He was also chosen to take a trip to the International Space Station about one of the Russian space capsules, and became the first man to successfully defeat a space yeti in hand-to-hand zero G caged combat.
For next time: Ice Pirates, a reader-suggested film.
Rating: four sticks in the eye.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Armageddon -- I Don't Want to Miss a Thing (Except really, we want to miss this movie).
Facts: 1998 was a bad year for movies, unless you like asteroids. The hulking older brother of the two summer flicks, Armageddon is looming on the horizon of mediocracy waiting to burst upon the scene with a flourish of ill-conceived subplot and horrible dialogue. The nation was about to weep silently for star-crossed lovers and the untimely death of Bruce Willis, while they were trembling nervously awaiting the fate of humanity to be decided. Starring Bruce "It's a Chopper" Willis, Ben "I Used to Date Jennifer Lopez" Affeck, Liv "Could I Be Any More Waifish" Tyler, Billy Bob "Mr. Jolie" Thornton, and, for some reason, Steve Buscemi.
Plot summary: Malevolent asteroid sets its sights on Mother Earth. It announces its presence by destroying the space shuttle and several iconic world cities. NASA's best and brightest convene to devise a plan to stop impending disaster. Their conclusion: humanity's best hope is a ragtag team of oil drillers. After extensive training montages, this band of unlikable losers is hurled into space aboard the most advanced space shuttles ever. One of the shuttles contains said losers, the other is occupied by actual astronauts. You know, trained professionals. You get one guess as to which one ultimately saves the day. This motley crew encounters a stereotypical Russian guy while docking at his space station. Igor the cosmonaut, who of course wears a fuzzy hat, blows up the space station, nearly dooming the entire mission. One shuttle crash lands with but one survivor (Affleck), and it's up to the one remaining to carry out this zany, and obviously foolproof, plan. The crew starts drilling, but a broken drill bit puts the mission in jeopardy. Just when all hope looks lost, Affleck and his friend (whoever he is) show up to save the day. Bruce Willis ends up staying behind to detonate the nuke. Humanity is saved. Oh, and a few more things: Willis is Tyler's father, and she and Affleck are in love. Aerosmith plays. It's all quite nauseating.
Key moments of interest:
Space shuttle plus meteorite equals kaboom!
NYC plus meteorites equals OMG!
Cheese eating surrender monkeys get their comeuppance.
The president is incredulous.
"How could this have happened?"
Billy Bob Jolie and his NASA cronies devise a foolproof plan.
Who knows how to drill? Oil workers. Cue Willis.
Overprotective father engages in a homicidal shootout on an oil rig, much to the dismay of his co-workers.
Affleck survives, unfortunately.
Close up on Willis looking beleaguered and gruff.
"Well, the fate of the world depends on it. I guess we have no choice. My men will do it."
Personnel round up montage. We meet the gang. We're nervous.
We have pretty boy, surly guy, sleazy guy, rehabilitated guy (who just wants to make his son proud), fat lovable guy, and mandatory black guy.
Training montage. Because oil drillers can become astronauts in a few months. Sure.
Affleck knows what he's doing, but no one believes him. Give this guy a chance!
Startling revelation: the oil drillers are the best.
Pretty boy and the waif get schmoopy. Animal crackers are inserted in places they shouldn't go. For some reason, this turns her on.
Obligatory dramatic slow walk to the shuttle.
1...2...3...blast off!
Der crazy cosmonik blows up der Mir station.
Then some stuff happens.
One shuttle makes it to the asteroid.
Whose idea was it to fly through all this debris, anyway?
They miss their landing target, but goddammit, they're drillers! They'll make it work!
Affleck defies all known laws of gravity and physics and drives a dune buggy across the asteroid to meet up with the others. (Avert your scientific eyes.)
The drill get stuck but Affleck decides to keep pushing. The mission is saved.
Buscemi goes wild west on everyone with the Gatling gun they brought along for some reason. Must have been space dementia.
Someone has to stay behind to detonate the nuke, and of course Bruce Willis volunteers to do it.
Insert tearful goodbye to his daughter on Earth. Sniff.
They return to a hero's welcome.
Roll credits. Cue Aerosmith.
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: The song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith plays a prominent role in this movie. What do you think this signifies about the importance of bad music to the future of humanity?
CRABS: One could easily argue that music is the soul of any civilization. Much like the ancient Romans destroyed themselves through indulgence and decadence, the ubiquity of good music in today's society could been sign of a harbinger of its collapse. Therefore, one could logically conclude that the perpetuation of civilization as we know it should be predicated upon embracing the antithesis of things that are good, hence bad music. I should add that if that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay, as I see this as one of the more subtle insights that the movie has to offer.
ANG: What do you make of Bruce Willis's sacrifice in a post 9/11 world?
CRABS: I think that much like the war on terrorism, the asteroid is an unknown and distant menace. I think Bruce Willis represents none other than western civilization in its entirety. His self-sacrifice and subsequent passing of the torch, so to speak, to the younger Affleck, could be interpreted as a suggestion that in order the destruction of old conventions and adoption of new doctrine is a necessary catalyst for social change.
ANG: Do you think that the success of our movie's heroes, the oil drillers turned astronauts, indicates a problem with current or past NASA culture? Are we dooming ourselves by relying on well-trained individuals?
CRABS: Undoubtedly so. And here's why. Intelligence, training, and professionalism will only take you so far. From what I've gathered about the culture of NASA and other large institutions, there's very little respect for the contributions of pluck, moxie, and a healthful disdain for authority figures. Perhaps these noble attributes could invigorate an uninspired culture of conformity and oppression.
ANG: Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck share a poignant, star-crossed love in the movie. In one pivotal scene, Affleck attempts to turn Tyler on by inserting animal crackers into her pants. What do you think this signifies about modern romance and the future of the family?
CRABS: Well, clearly in today's society family as a social unit has become devalued and diluted. Some might argue that this is due to overriding societal conventions dictating what can and cannot be accomplished with the erogenous zones. I find their inclusion of food indicative of changing cultural memes regarding the old taboos of sex and gender identity. Fifty years ago such activities would have been branded Communist, and those who engage in them would have been run out of town. But now I see activities like this in the park every weekend. Some might argue that this represents a covert attempt and liberalization of American culture. To those poeple I say: lighten up and go with the flow, old-timers.
For next time: Ang and Crabs actually sat through Super Mario Bros, and now you have to hear about it. Since this bastardized their childhood memories of this game, you could at least do them the favor of reading the next post.
Rating: four sticks in the eye. Uninspired yet wholly unmemorable.
Plot summary: Malevolent asteroid sets its sights on Mother Earth. It announces its presence by destroying the space shuttle and several iconic world cities. NASA's best and brightest convene to devise a plan to stop impending disaster. Their conclusion: humanity's best hope is a ragtag team of oil drillers. After extensive training montages, this band of unlikable losers is hurled into space aboard the most advanced space shuttles ever. One of the shuttles contains said losers, the other is occupied by actual astronauts. You know, trained professionals. You get one guess as to which one ultimately saves the day. This motley crew encounters a stereotypical Russian guy while docking at his space station. Igor the cosmonaut, who of course wears a fuzzy hat, blows up the space station, nearly dooming the entire mission. One shuttle crash lands with but one survivor (Affleck), and it's up to the one remaining to carry out this zany, and obviously foolproof, plan. The crew starts drilling, but a broken drill bit puts the mission in jeopardy. Just when all hope looks lost, Affleck and his friend (whoever he is) show up to save the day. Bruce Willis ends up staying behind to detonate the nuke. Humanity is saved. Oh, and a few more things: Willis is Tyler's father, and she and Affleck are in love. Aerosmith plays. It's all quite nauseating.
Key moments of interest:
Space shuttle plus meteorite equals kaboom!
NYC plus meteorites equals OMG!
Cheese eating surrender monkeys get their comeuppance.
The president is incredulous.
"How could this have happened?"
Billy Bob Jolie and his NASA cronies devise a foolproof plan.
Who knows how to drill? Oil workers. Cue Willis.
Overprotective father engages in a homicidal shootout on an oil rig, much to the dismay of his co-workers.
Affleck survives, unfortunately.
Close up on Willis looking beleaguered and gruff.
"Well, the fate of the world depends on it. I guess we have no choice. My men will do it."
Personnel round up montage. We meet the gang. We're nervous.
We have pretty boy, surly guy, sleazy guy, rehabilitated guy (who just wants to make his son proud), fat lovable guy, and mandatory black guy.
Training montage. Because oil drillers can become astronauts in a few months. Sure.
Affleck knows what he's doing, but no one believes him. Give this guy a chance!
Startling revelation: the oil drillers are the best.
Pretty boy and the waif get schmoopy. Animal crackers are inserted in places they shouldn't go. For some reason, this turns her on.
Obligatory dramatic slow walk to the shuttle.
1...2...3...blast off!
Der crazy cosmonik blows up der Mir station.
Then some stuff happens.
One shuttle makes it to the asteroid.
Whose idea was it to fly through all this debris, anyway?
They miss their landing target, but goddammit, they're drillers! They'll make it work!
Affleck defies all known laws of gravity and physics and drives a dune buggy across the asteroid to meet up with the others. (Avert your scientific eyes.)
The drill get stuck but Affleck decides to keep pushing. The mission is saved.
Buscemi goes wild west on everyone with the Gatling gun they brought along for some reason. Must have been space dementia.
Someone has to stay behind to detonate the nuke, and of course Bruce Willis volunteers to do it.
Insert tearful goodbye to his daughter on Earth. Sniff.
They return to a hero's welcome.
Roll credits. Cue Aerosmith.
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: The song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith plays a prominent role in this movie. What do you think this signifies about the importance of bad music to the future of humanity?
CRABS: One could easily argue that music is the soul of any civilization. Much like the ancient Romans destroyed themselves through indulgence and decadence, the ubiquity of good music in today's society could been sign of a harbinger of its collapse. Therefore, one could logically conclude that the perpetuation of civilization as we know it should be predicated upon embracing the antithesis of things that are good, hence bad music. I should add that if that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay, as I see this as one of the more subtle insights that the movie has to offer.
ANG: What do you make of Bruce Willis's sacrifice in a post 9/11 world?
CRABS: I think that much like the war on terrorism, the asteroid is an unknown and distant menace. I think Bruce Willis represents none other than western civilization in its entirety. His self-sacrifice and subsequent passing of the torch, so to speak, to the younger Affleck, could be interpreted as a suggestion that in order the destruction of old conventions and adoption of new doctrine is a necessary catalyst for social change.
ANG: Do you think that the success of our movie's heroes, the oil drillers turned astronauts, indicates a problem with current or past NASA culture? Are we dooming ourselves by relying on well-trained individuals?
CRABS: Undoubtedly so. And here's why. Intelligence, training, and professionalism will only take you so far. From what I've gathered about the culture of NASA and other large institutions, there's very little respect for the contributions of pluck, moxie, and a healthful disdain for authority figures. Perhaps these noble attributes could invigorate an uninspired culture of conformity and oppression.
ANG: Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck share a poignant, star-crossed love in the movie. In one pivotal scene, Affleck attempts to turn Tyler on by inserting animal crackers into her pants. What do you think this signifies about modern romance and the future of the family?
CRABS: Well, clearly in today's society family as a social unit has become devalued and diluted. Some might argue that this is due to overriding societal conventions dictating what can and cannot be accomplished with the erogenous zones. I find their inclusion of food indicative of changing cultural memes regarding the old taboos of sex and gender identity. Fifty years ago such activities would have been branded Communist, and those who engage in them would have been run out of town. But now I see activities like this in the park every weekend. Some might argue that this represents a covert attempt and liberalization of American culture. To those poeple I say: lighten up and go with the flow, old-timers.
For next time: Ang and Crabs actually sat through Super Mario Bros, and now you have to hear about it. Since this bastardized their childhood memories of this game, you could at least do them the favor of reading the next post.
Rating: four sticks in the eye. Uninspired yet wholly unmemorable.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Core -- A Journey to the Center of Inanity
Facts: The year was 2003. Three years previous, the world had failed to come to an end. The release of this movie was surely punishment for all of humanity. Starring two rising stars (at least until the movie came out), Aaron (Two-Face) Eckhart and Hilary (Million Dollar) Swank, The Core is a veritable fruitcake of fantasy science, political wrangling, white-knuckled space shuttle piloting, and emotionally draining moral conundrums.
Plot summary: The core of the Earth has stopped spinning. Really. Why? The answer will shock you! As is often the case in history, a cobbled-together group consisting of a disgraced shuttle pilot looking for redemption and a zany group of misfit scientists, is the only thing that stands between us and total annihilation by solar radiation. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...) An improbable craft takes them on an improbable journey to deliver a nuclear blast. Some are lost along the way. Some find themselves. Some persevere. And, as is always the case, humanity soldiers on.
Key moments of interest:
Can space shuttles really land in the LA river? Does it matter? (Swank at her finest.)
The pompous asshole summarizes doomsday scenario for president.
Young brash scientist dazzles his students with a ultra-detailed chalkboard drawing. (OMG! Your assistant's a Cylon!)
"Come with us, sir. Don't ask any questions." (All government goons sound the same.)
Why won't anyone believe this ruggedly handsome up and coming scientific superstar?
"I'll do it, but on my own terms." (Plenty of scientists talk like this, I'm sure.)
Meanwhile out in the desert, an outcast scientist with too much metal and time on his hands constructs a very special ship.
It's made of Unobtanium! (Ha ha.) And sonic lasers.
Hottie McAstronaut (Swank) just can't get it right. If only someone would encourage her.
Here we go! Is this going to work? I certainly hope so. (It's an action move. Of course it'll work.)
Ship gets stuck on crystal. First heart-wrenching sacrifice occurs. (Cue tissues.)
We've gotta get those nuke codes. At any cost. Sacrifice #2. (And of course it's the French guy.)
And after all this trouble, they realize it's not going to work. The plan is flawed.
Some goobeldly gook later, and a solution is found.
Third sacrifice. But this guy sucks, so it's okay.
Success comes with a price. And some fooling around (maybe).
Lava tube roller coaster. Destination: the surface of the Earth.
Cue heroic music. Will humanity ever learn?
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: Do you feel that the movie's overriding video game feel says something about our current over-reliance on technology?
CRABS: Well, I think the answer is ultimately a definitive maybe. Here's why. For all of their technology and modern hubris, our heroes ultimately rely upon their own courage and the indomitable spirit which drives them to greatness in order to complete their task. So as a result of this, I see technology not in addition to humanity, but as augmenting humanity's collective consciousness.
ANG: Some have claimed that this movie is full of junk science. Do you feel as if this is the case, and if so, does it detract from the movie's moral lessons for us all?
CRABS: Junk science -- I say balderdash to that. I see the role of cinema in society as one of empowerment, inspiration, and futurity. So in this sense I feel the movie is doing what it was intended, and while some of the scientific principles present in this film are ambitious, they set a definitive standard of excellence that I think our modern scientists would do well to attain. As for the morality of the science, I've always thought that science and morality went hand-in-hand. For to be a scientific man is to be a thinking man. And to be a thinking man is to be a moral man. Ergo, science equals morality.
ANG: Do you feel as if Unobtanium is intended to be a metaphor for the continual triumph of the human spirit?
CRABS: Undoubtedly. For the principle characteristic of Unobtainum is that the more pressure it's subjected to, the stronger it becomes. I can't think of a more eloquent or poetic illustration of the will of man to dominate the natural world.
ANG: What do you feel this movie has to say about the unfortunate economic realities in which we currently find ourselves?
CRABS: Well, clearly the lasseiz-faire manner in which the government conducted seismic tests that possibly stopped the core's rotation, therefore dooming humanity, is a clear parallel to the wanton disregard for prudence and foresight which permeates nearly every level of our financial institutions. Both situations, not coincidentally, seem to be remedied through increased oversight and scientific ingenuity.
ANG: So are you suggesting that this movie advocates a return to Keynesian economic policies?
CRABS: No, because that's socialist crap. Shut your liberal face, your Karl Marx loving Cuban cigar smoking Chairman Mao worshipping pinko.
ANG: I think we've gotten off track here...
For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle another classic: the epic disaster movie Volcano.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (and a fondue fork, too).
Plot summary: The core of the Earth has stopped spinning. Really. Why? The answer will shock you! As is often the case in history, a cobbled-together group consisting of a disgraced shuttle pilot looking for redemption and a zany group of misfit scientists, is the only thing that stands between us and total annihilation by solar radiation. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...) An improbable craft takes them on an improbable journey to deliver a nuclear blast. Some are lost along the way. Some find themselves. Some persevere. And, as is always the case, humanity soldiers on.
Key moments of interest:
Can space shuttles really land in the LA river? Does it matter? (Swank at her finest.)
The pompous asshole summarizes doomsday scenario for president.
Young brash scientist dazzles his students with a ultra-detailed chalkboard drawing. (OMG! Your assistant's a Cylon!)
"Come with us, sir. Don't ask any questions." (All government goons sound the same.)
Why won't anyone believe this ruggedly handsome up and coming scientific superstar?
"I'll do it, but on my own terms." (Plenty of scientists talk like this, I'm sure.)
Meanwhile out in the desert, an outcast scientist with too much metal and time on his hands constructs a very special ship.
It's made of Unobtanium! (Ha ha.) And sonic lasers.
Hottie McAstronaut (Swank) just can't get it right. If only someone would encourage her.
Here we go! Is this going to work? I certainly hope so. (It's an action move. Of course it'll work.)
Ship gets stuck on crystal. First heart-wrenching sacrifice occurs. (Cue tissues.)
We've gotta get those nuke codes. At any cost. Sacrifice #2. (And of course it's the French guy.)
And after all this trouble, they realize it's not going to work. The plan is flawed.
Some goobeldly gook later, and a solution is found.
Third sacrifice. But this guy sucks, so it's okay.
Success comes with a price. And some fooling around (maybe).
Lava tube roller coaster. Destination: the surface of the Earth.
Cue heroic music. Will humanity ever learn?
Snarky movie discussion:
ANG: Do you feel that the movie's overriding video game feel says something about our current over-reliance on technology?
CRABS: Well, I think the answer is ultimately a definitive maybe. Here's why. For all of their technology and modern hubris, our heroes ultimately rely upon their own courage and the indomitable spirit which drives them to greatness in order to complete their task. So as a result of this, I see technology not in addition to humanity, but as augmenting humanity's collective consciousness.
ANG: Some have claimed that this movie is full of junk science. Do you feel as if this is the case, and if so, does it detract from the movie's moral lessons for us all?
CRABS: Junk science -- I say balderdash to that. I see the role of cinema in society as one of empowerment, inspiration, and futurity. So in this sense I feel the movie is doing what it was intended, and while some of the scientific principles present in this film are ambitious, they set a definitive standard of excellence that I think our modern scientists would do well to attain. As for the morality of the science, I've always thought that science and morality went hand-in-hand. For to be a scientific man is to be a thinking man. And to be a thinking man is to be a moral man. Ergo, science equals morality.
ANG: Do you feel as if Unobtanium is intended to be a metaphor for the continual triumph of the human spirit?
CRABS: Undoubtedly. For the principle characteristic of Unobtainum is that the more pressure it's subjected to, the stronger it becomes. I can't think of a more eloquent or poetic illustration of the will of man to dominate the natural world.
ANG: What do you feel this movie has to say about the unfortunate economic realities in which we currently find ourselves?
CRABS: Well, clearly the lasseiz-faire manner in which the government conducted seismic tests that possibly stopped the core's rotation, therefore dooming humanity, is a clear parallel to the wanton disregard for prudence and foresight which permeates nearly every level of our financial institutions. Both situations, not coincidentally, seem to be remedied through increased oversight and scientific ingenuity.
ANG: So are you suggesting that this movie advocates a return to Keynesian economic policies?
CRABS: No, because that's socialist crap. Shut your liberal face, your Karl Marx loving Cuban cigar smoking Chairman Mao worshipping pinko.
ANG: I think we've gotten off track here...
For next time: Ang and Crabs tackle another classic: the epic disaster movie Volcano.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (and a fondue fork, too).
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