Dungeons & Dragons -- There's a Little Snails in all of Us

Facts: Ang & Crabs were ensconced in the college scene in 2000, reveling in various sorts of intellectual masturbation. The media was squawking about the impending end of the world...but we got this movie instead, which is almost as bad (like a Y2K bug for your brain). Ang & Crabs's inner nerds were secretly sort of excited about the prospect of a D&D movie, but reason somehow prevailed, and, despite a preponderance of tequila, the two managed to avoid this movie for nine beautiful years. But no more...Starring Thora "Yes, it's really her" Birch, Jeremy "I should be better than this" Irons, Justin "Who?" Whalin, and Marlon "Not a fly girl" Wayons.

Plot summary: (Warning: this is a plot filled with political intrigue and thrilling machinations. Read on at your peril.) Two young thieves, personality-free Ridley (Whalin) and Snails (Wayons), an Eddie Murphy-esque sidekick, live in the kingdom of Izmer, which is ruled by the idealistic young Empress Savina (Birch). In a plot twist presaging the current events in Iran, the evil wizard Profion (Irons), who's also some sort of politician, is looking for an ancient artifact. Possessing it will allow him to control red dragons, and by extension, stage a hare-brained coup. (We don't get it, either.) The two young idiots (er, thieves) break into the wizard's tower to steal stuff, where they meet a dowdy hottie in disguise apprentice wizardess and together embark on a snooze-filled quest to uncover the ancient secrets of power. Pursuing them all the while is the evil Damodar, Profion's minion, who also happens to look like a long-lost Village Person. You can tell he's evil because he wears blue lipstick. This motley crew finds a gigantic, fake-looking gemstone by navigating some sort of maze, and...it's hard for us to talk about this...we lose Snails to the winds of fate. He still had so much to give! So many cliched jokes to tell! Then, fifteen boring hours later, they find the scepter they've been looking for, but the blue-lipped guy steals it. He delivers it to Profion, who calls upon red dragons, igniting a dragon civil war. Ridley destroys the scepter, saving the kingdom. Snails, alas, is not alive to see this glorious day.

Key moments of interest:
Two scamps are separating people from their hard-earned cash.
Little do they know they will soon decide the fate of the entire kingdom.
Droll politicians drone on about meaningless nonsense. No, it's not CSPAN. It's the Izmer Senate.
A battle's a-brewin. Savina v. Profion smackdown!
Profion's minion Damodar is controlled via a bug in his ear. (Khan!)
The two thieves discuss the relative merits of small-time v. big-time operations. It's time for the big score.
Ridley and Snails bust into the wizard's tower, and we learn why Ridley is the brains behind the operation.
Snails is like a bull in a china shop. CLANG!
Surprisingly, someone hears the one man band that is Snails and comes to investigate.
Blue-lipped man (Damodar) finds them, and the wizardess creates a portal. They escape.
Cue some long, lame story about red dragons.
The two bumbling idiots (and unfortunate movie watchers) are now filled in on movie lore.
Savina sends her metal-bustiered minion after them.
Snails tries to get some, and is, not unsurprisingly, unsuccessful. But her elven heart is melting.
Our band of losers meets up with the master thief Douchebag von Thiefenstein, and Ridley goes through his horribly contrived maze.
Contrived trap number one: wooshing, swinging blades.
Contrived trap number two: fire coming from the walls, controlled by fire.
Contrived trap number three: the walls are closing in, and Ridley is about to be impaled by spikes.
Douchebag is a double-crosser! Luckily blue-lipped guy is a moron, and the thieves are able to escape.
SNAILS! You were too beautiful for this world!
Thank god the cave of the dragon lord is on this map!
Located in said cave are countless treasures and a skeleton-holding a scepter.
Somehow the skeleton is able to lecture them about the proper usage of power.
Despite not having two IQ points to rub together, blue-lipped guy captures them, and the scepter is lost.
Profion releases Damodar from his debt. In the navy!
The red dragons swoop in! It's gonna be a heart-pounding civil war! (Not really.)
The terribly-rendered CG dragons tear each other asunder.
Savina is riding a gold dragon, and is nearly captured.
We don't really remember how, but trust us, it isn't very interesting: the scepter is destroyed.
Savina 1, Profion 0.
A tearful goodbye at the cemetery. For a minute, we think Snails might be returning, but whatever sequel is foisted upon us will have to be Snail-less.

Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: The two main characters in the movie are originally vagabond thieves and yet come to hold the salvation of an entire nation in their hands. What do you think this means in the context of the class struggle of the mid to late-Victorian age. In particular, is high society alone capable of perpetuating civilization, or is a certain underclass criminal element necessarily required for cultural sustainability?
ANG: I think the message of this movie is quite clear: real, authentic change cannot occur without a certain disregard for the law. Think of the great revolutions of our time, the Civil Rights movement among them. Change did not occur because activists were staid or content with the status quo. Ridley and Snails belong alongside history's great rabble-rousers. It is is only through disobedience that society can change for the better.
CRABS: The red dragon scepter is clearly a medieval weapon of mass destruction (WMD for short). If the empress had obtained this scepter, should could easily have destroyed all opposition and ruled her kingdom with an iron fist. In light of this potential totalitarianism, is Profion's civil war a justifiable preemptive strike?
ANG: If we were discussing only humans, the answer to your question would be clear-cut. However, we're discussing dragons, so things get quite a bit murkier. Neither Savina nor Profion can predict dragon behavior, and the dragons, lacking the power of reason, cannot think for themselves. Therefore, Profion is committing dragon genocide. Also, Profion had no reason to suspect that Savina would use the scepter in an unsavory fashion. In fact, he had every reason to think she was quite ethical. Therefore, the argument that he anticipated a dictatorship is unfounded.
CRABS: I'm intrigued to know what you make of the obvious social stratification in dragon society. I'm referring, of course, to the distinctions between the supposedly superior red dragons and the everyday gold dragons. If mythical creatures feel compelled to reinforce distinctions amongst themselves, what does this say about the potential for cooperation and multilateralism in human society?
ANG: I'm not convinced that the stratification of which you speak is enforced by the dragons themselves. In fact, I would argue that the dragons only ape what they are shown. The distinctions you discuss are determined by humans. Therefore, I think the movie illustrates how distinctions which come from outside forces are the most powerful.
CRABS: As an oddly-beloved yet misunderstood and awkward entertainer, the loss of Snails struck a resonant and emotional blow to the other characters in the film. Would you liken this turn of events to the current outpouring of remembrance and affection for the late Jacko?
ANG: I'm sorry, I...I can't talk about this. The loss of Snails is too raw.

For next time: Ang and Crabs are subjecting themselves to Glitter. That movie with Mariah Carey. They're terrified, but willing to go the extra mile for their beloved readers.

Rating: six sticks in the eye (and jewel-encrusted ten-side dice of shame).