Showgirls -- Revenge of the Angry, Jiggly Woman

Facts: Joe Eszterhas, the acclaimed "screen writer" for this pile of celluloid crap, later apologized for it. Really, that should be all you need to know, but we here at ICBIWT are not satisfied with such a simple statement. No, Ang and Crabs sat through this movie, and now, as part of their long-term psychotherapy, they're going to tell you about it. Remember when this movie came out in 1995? How it was really controversial for being rated NC-17? Well, the controversy missed the mark entirely. The problem with this movie is not that it is risque (a charge that seems somewhat laughable when you're actually watching it), the problem is that this movie (a term which seems less and less meaningful as time passes) is godawful. No, really. There are no words to describe how bad it is, but we're going to try. Starring Elizabeth "Not Jessie Anymore" Berkeley, Kyle "Shoulda Stayed in Twin Peaks" McLachlan, and Gina "Oh, Christ" Gershon.

Plot summary: Anger-addled, Daisy-Duke wearing loner Nomi Malone (Berkeley) hitches a ride to Vegas to pursue her possibly lifelong passion of becoming a professional dancer, which considering her notable lack of talent, seems like a long shot. But we digress...Somehow her white trash demeanor and incessant explosive temper lead us to believe that this dream will not come to fruition. For all her supposed street smarts, Nomi is nearly immediately hoodwinked by some jackass truck driver, who steals her suitcase. But as luck would have it, she meets her BFF Molly, a hard-working seamstress with a heart of gold, and potential lesbian love interest, almost instantly. Fast forward to a few weeks later: Nomi and Molly are painting the town red, alternating between Molly's trailer and their high-prestige jobs, Molly as a costume designer at the Stardust and Nomi as an extra-sleazy stripper. Their idyllic existence is shattered forever when Molly invites Nomi backstage at the Stardust, where the latter meets Cristal Conners, who, we are lead to believe, is some sort of dance star. After viewing the show from backstage and spastically emulating the dance moves, she catches Cristal's eye and the two forge a love-hate relationship with yet another lesbian undertone (it's about as hot as fertilizing your lawn). While out dancing one night, Nomi meets James, who embarks on a nearly instant quest to get into her pants. What a charmer. Nomi has an especially lovable cast of colleagues at the Cheetah, including Penny, a naive young girl new to Vegas. The scene of her actually falling off of a turnip truck must've been cut for time considerations. Through some irrelevant series of circumstances, Nomi lands a role as a backup dancer in Molly's show, Goddess, and promptly begins sleeping her way to the top. Along the way, she has an intensely unsexy encounter with Zach, show producer at the Stardust, in his pool. (Note: you should stop reading this right now and YouTube this scene. Nomi looks like she is having a seizure, and Zach looks like he is about to vomit all over her.) Always-honest and trustworthy Nomi eventually realizes that James is mentoring/sleeping with Penny from the Cheetah, and was possibly BS-ing her about her "natural talent." After witnessing one of her co-workers sabotage a rival dancer, Nomi gets a few ideas in her head and she and the stairs conspire to end advance her career. Cristal ends up in the hospital, unable to dance for a year or somesuch. Now she's the lead dancer, on top of the world! She's got enough blow to choke a walrus! Sleeping with the producer! She's got it all. The one problem here is that she's ostracized the movie's only likable character, Molly, who warned her from the beginning not to get sucked into this decadent lifestyle. When their favorite singer, Andrew Carver, comes to town (think Yanni but sleazier, if such a thing is possible), Nomi drags Molly to a party with him, and fixes the two of them up, at which point we learn Andrew isn't the good boy that he at first appears, as he and his gang rape squad have their way with Molly upstairs (in a protracted scene which is easily the movie's most disturbing, which is saying a lot, and highly offensive). As her friend is recuperating in the hospital bed, Nomi has an epiphany, realizing that this isn't the life for her. So after getting her revenge on Andrew, with the help of a stiletto heel, she promptly packs up and heads out of town to pursue...well, we don't know, but hopefully but acting.

Key moments of interest:
Pseudo Elvis impersonator picks up sketchy-looking hootchie by the side of the road, thus beginning the epic Showgirls saga.
Elvis's uninspired come-ons are met with a sharp blade.
Upon arriving in Las Vegas, Elvis immediately shows his true colors. Not a good omen for the rest of her stay in town.
Demonstrating a remarkable ability to refute life's lessons, Nomi immediately trusts the next stranger who wanders into her field of vision. Fortunately, this one turns out to be okay.
We see Nomi at work, thrashing and convulsing quite un-erotically, to the joy of the Cheetah's Customers.
Welcome to Uncle Al's Sleazy House of Skeeze.
Take one part pimp mixed with two parts bookie, sprinkle with a generous helping of sleaze, and you've got a dynamite recipe for Al's, Nomi's boss.
Don't forget the rather large lady with the dress that'll make babies cry.
Oh, Nomi, we're done having vaguely erotic-esque undertones. You should come with me to work, since you're a dancer, too.
We see Cristal at her finest, displaying her two modes of existence: dancing topless and acting horny/disdainful.
Cue Nomi giving Zach a lap dance while Cristal looks on. A really long lap dance. Really long.
And while this scene was probably intended to be erotic and arousing, it simply comes off as laughable and pathetic.
FCC-approved lap dance checklist: breast jiggling, check; bending over both backwards and forewards, check; one leg on the shoulder, check; humping of the knee, check; epiletic thrashing about on lap, check.
That was the best $500 lap dance ever!
Nomi and Molly go shopping with her lap dance money, and Nomi buys the only non-slutty item of clothing she owns, a Versace dress (which she pronounces Ver-sayce).
Nomi auditions for the show, and undoubtedly due to a pronounced lack of dance talent, gets in.
She is advised shortly thereafter to be less of a Pollyanna, so she hootches it up. A sign of things to come, definitely.
Nomi takes a break from the exciting world of showgirl dancing and decides to pay a visit to her old friend, James.
Through the din of a turnip truck driving away, she hears a voice in his apartment.
Turns out naive Penny caught onto the Vegas scene pretty quickly.
Since they had no defined relationship, and they're both terrible people, any attempt on the part of the film makers to make us feel bad about this breakup falls flat.
Out with the old, in with the new -- if Nomi can't have James, she might as well sleep with the producer of the show.
Which she does. Tipsy on champagne and flying high on her recent success, the two embark on what looks like the least pleasurable sex ever recorded on film.
Nomi decides to give Zach the night of his life by riding him like a bucking bronco at the county fair. That, or someone threw an electric eel into the pool. It's hard to tell.
Nomi's DARE officer roles over in his grave when she climbs back on the great white powder pony.
At Zach's urging, Nomi auditions to be Cristal's understudy. Surprise, surprise: she's rejected.
A jealous Cristal pulls the rug out from underneath her.
Cristal "trips" down the metal stairs following a performance.
Nomi, did you see anything?
No, I have no idea what happened! Maybe she tripped over a unicorn.
This just in from Vegas: Nomi Malone stars in Goddess!
Molly gives her an ultimatum in a dramatic and heart-rending scene.
One scene later, they're friends again and decide to exploit Nomi's meteoric rise and decide to attend a party where Molly can meet her favorite singer.
Molly and Andrew become fast friends and decide to head upstairs for a little extra-curricular activity.
In a scene which seems to have been added merely to complete this rags to riches to rags tale, Molly is violent assaulted by Andrew and two other thugs.
While she's recovering from her severe injuries in the hospital, Nomi decides that revenge is a dish best served quickly.
She hookers it up and heads to his hotel room.
She must've watched a Bruce Lee DVD on the elevator ride up, and proceeds to kick the shit out of Andrew.
Good-bye to Molly. Good-bye to James. He and Penny are getting married and having a kid.
James leaves her with this time-honored wisdom: Shit happens. Life sucks.
She packs up and heads out of time, improbably landing a ride in a familiar blue pickup truck...

This just in: After driving all night from Seattle, Ang and Crabs have arrived at the Fresno Denny's on 23rd and State to interview Elizabeth Berkeley. In a booth in the back by the men's room, Ang orders a Moons over my Hammy and Crabs a piece of apple pie, and they sit down to interview Elizabeth. She's chain-smoking the last of a pack of Pall Malls and counting the tips stuffed into the bosom of her grease-soaked waitress uniform.
CRABS: First of all, I just want to say thank you for agreeing to meet with us today. We'll have your $50 check and Costco discount coupons mailed to you as soon as we can get back home. We've traveled here to discuss a lot of times, namely the impact the movie Showgirls has had on your life, and to a greater extent, America as a whole.
ELIZABETH: I thought this was an acting audition. That's what my publicist told me. A commercial for Cletus's Used Car Harbor and Bait Shop.
ANG: Oh, we'll get to that soon enough. We just have a few questions first.
CRABS: For many people, your days on Saved By the Bell really defined their childhood memories. Explain to me the decision-making process that led you to conclude that Showgirls was the logical step in your post-Saved acting career. And please don't skimp on the minutiae.
ELIZABETH: The coke-fueled hedonism of the Saved by the Bell set seemed like a natural precursor to this movie. For instance, the guy who played Screech was always bringing blow to the set. That's how I got hooked. And one day I was grinding him in my trailer. When he complimented me on my technique, a love for lap dancing was born.
ANG: Some have charged that the infamous pool scene ruined their sex lives forever. How do you respond to that accusation?
ELIZABETH: Well, I can't speak for Kyle, as I haven't talked to him since the production wrapped -- he won't return my phone calls or Twitter messages -- but personally, at the time I can say that that scene defined in my mind what a "normal" sex experience was supposed to be like. So as you can imagine, in retrospect I realize that this was highly traumatizing for me and led to a few particularly dark and forgetful years in Cleveland which I'd rather not discuss at this time. By the grace of God, and the kind souls at my AA meetings eventually persuaded me to seek some counseling, and I'm now beginning to finally work through and relive some of the subsequent experiences that I can only describe as scarring and debilitating.
ANG: Do you have any children?
ELIZABETH: Oh yes, I have seven lovely children and one more on the way.
CRABS: Upon its release, Showgirls created quite a controversy stemming from its NC-17 rating, and there was quite an uproar about the overt sexuality in this film. Personally, I found the sexual content to be more laughable than stimulating. Not that you didn't put forth a laudable effort. What do you think this says about the way our society views gender roles and sexuality? Are we desensitized?
ELIZABETH: I think you've misjudged the movie terribly. Though the sexual content can seem campy, you have to realize that this is a purposeful effort on my part to reveal the continuing Puritanical nature of American sexuality.
CRABS: How so? That doesn't make any sense. I must've missed the nuance in the screenplay.
(Time out while Crabs chokes on his apple pie.)
ELIZABETH: It just is, okay? Don't make me stick you with my knife.
ANG: You spend at least 50% of this movie topless. Did the nudity bother you?
ELIZABETH: Oh no. In fact, I'm uncomfortable wearing a shirt at all now. I miss having glittery nipples.
CRABS: One of the most impressive features of the film, and that's saying a lot, was the extensive makeup work. In particular, the eye shadow and the nipple painting. How many hours a day did you spend in makeup? And was it enjoyable or just plain tedious? Also, did you pick up any makeup tips while having your nipples painted?
ELIZABETH: I found the 4am makeup sessions to be the calmest part of my day. I would often spend my time reading works of classical philosophy, such as Plato's The Republic, and working on my still-unfinished dissertation titled "Super-sympetry and Invariance in Higher-Dimensional Spaces: A Mathematical Journey."
ANG: What are your plans for the future?
ELIZABETH: First of all, I want to finish my dissertation. I'd also like to do some teaching, and perhaps start a small business. I've always had a passion for dolphin training and working with autistic children. I'd like to combine those somehow.
CRABS: Well, thanks for your time. We've really enjoyed speaking with you.
ELIZABETH: Um, what about the audition?
ANG: Oh, we left the audition materials in the car. We'll both go get it and be right back...

For next time: Ang and Crabs are taking a segue into the action movie category, and will be watching the adrenaline-fueled blockbuster Street Fighter. For the next blog post, Ang will be wearing her Chun-Li outfit, and Crabs will break out his old Marine uniform and dress as General M. Bison...

Rating: twelve sticks in the eye and a razor to the crotch.