Note: Ang & Crabs would like to thank the thousands who sent condolences upon the death of Josephine, or beloved Cliche-O-Tron. It is wonderful to know that so many are with us in our time of sadness.
Facts: Flashback to the go-go 90s. The U.S. was just basking in the glory of the First Gulf War (the less said about the Second Gulf War, the better). The stock market was inflating itself to new, untenable heights. So indeed, the sewage pump had been expertly primed to usher forth a British import the likes of which America had never seen. No, we're not talking about Austin Powers. And we're certainly not talking about The Beatles, because they were actually, you know, good. No, we're talking about five sassy British lasses, the biggest female singing group of all time. Yes, the Spice Girls. (They really were the biggest all-girl group, we're not making this up.) You remember them, don't you? Well, you will by the end of this post. Cue cast: The Sporty One, the Poshy One, the Wingy Baby One, the Frightful One, and Cheeky One. And also some other people, such as surprise guests stars Elton John, Elvis Costello, Roger Moore, Alan Cumming, and George Wendt. With an all-star cast like that, what could possibly go wrong? (Ha.)
Plot summary: The girls spend several days tooling around London in their double-decker Union Jack bus with their uptight manager Clifford. They bumble from location to location on some sort of publicity tour. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, an evil tabloid mogul is plotting to break up the group by sowing dissension in some convoluted plot to sell more papers. Meanwhile, the girls have some random pregnant friend who pops up every now and again to remind the girls of what's really important in life. And for the intellectual types out there, a minor subplot about a pretentious documentary film crew making a movie about the Spice Girls. A movie about people making a movie about a movie. So meta?
Key moments of interest:
Cue an ass-kicking (girl power!) rehearsal.
Heavily pregnant Penny reveals that her worthless loser of a boyfriend has left her and promptly nominated all five Spice Girls as godparents. (Would you leave your children with the Spice Girls?)
A film crew with nothing better to do reveals plans to film the Spice Girls.
The director's ambition: to reveal the emotion behind the Spice Girls. Uh, good luck with that.
At a totally 90s party, we learn that the girls are multi-layered. (Ginger is actually a member of Mensa, and Posh likes more than fashion.)
For some reason, their manager's boss is Alan Moore. Who is evil. We know this because he has a lair, and he strokes animals in said lair. (Insert dirty joke here.)
Tabloid mogul is complaining about lagging newspaper staff, and decides to break up the group. He hires some random paparazzi guy to harass them.
Inside the Union Jack Spicemobile, the girls have forgotten their plans to be more well-rounded, and are doing stereotypical things. (Sporty is exercising, Baby is in a swing, blah blah.)
Meatloaf is driving the bus. ("I love those girls, and I'd do anything for them, but I won't do that.")
They meet Elton John. God save the queen. Nothing happens. Elton leaves promptly to cash his paycheck for appearing in this movie.
The girls are determined to be incredible dancers as well as singers (!) and are put through their paces by a demented gay dance instructor.
They meet some aliens. In the woods. The less said, the better.
Two lucky Spice Girls fans go on a date with the Spice Girls. But the dream turns to disaster when a well-thought-out plan to steal a speedboat goes awry, and both fans are dumped in the Thames. The movie, unfortunately, survives.
Paparazzi Guy gets this all on film, and Clifford is incensed to see this incident in the tabloids.
A tearful and emotional confrontation: more to the girls than meets the eye. You know, like transformers.
Clifford gets drunk and has a totally random and useless one night stand with his assistant. We saw this tangent coming from a mile away.
The two aspiring movie producers pitch their idea to Clifford, with a plot that hilariously follows the plot of the REAL movie. (A nod to intellectualism if we've ever seen one.)
Another stroke of genius: the girls take pregnant Penny, soon-to-be Mother of the Year, clubbing, where she promptly goes into labor.
Meatloaf rushes them to the hospital, and the girls become labor coaches. Wearing the same hideous outfits from before. (Seriously, Scary wears the ugliest clothes.)
In the hospital, they hear two young girls excited about their plans to see the Spice Girls in concert. This rekindles their love of...cough...music.
Posh drives at breakneck speed through the streets of London, driving over the Tower Bridge just in time, and they arrive at the concert hall with moments to spare.
Their prima donna manager is moments away from hanging himself, so it's perfect timing. (That is, if you want to see him live.)
Then there's a long concert scene. It's really boring.
Snarky movie discussion:
The theme of today's discussion is Spice World as an agent of the revitalization of feminism in the 20th century.
Crabs: Some might argue that the masculinity implicit in the 80s via the dominance of 1. the Cold War, and 2. trickle-down Reaganomics perhaps blunted the razor-edge of 1970s-era feminism. I've heard this point argued ad nauseum. Would you agree therefore the emergence of the Spice Girls and subsequent "Girl Power" movement during the 90s was an obvious antecedent of the previous decade?
Ang: I would argue that the Spice Girls are direct descendants of artists such as Chrissy Hynde and Joan Jett. This may seem antithetical given the latter artists' "tougher" facade. However, as we see in the movie, each Spice Girl has an inner strength which she uses to forge her way in a post-9/11 world. Even though 9/11 hasn't happened yet. I posit that the Spice Girls in fact represent a softer kind of feminism, which, in light of the aforementioned 80s backlash, is a subversive technique to bring feminism to a new generation.
Crabs: At several points throughout the movie, we see Ginger Spice struggling to gain recognition for her intellectual achievements despite her prevalent hooker boots and legless pants. However, despite her best efforts, she is able to gain very little traction in regards to this issue. Does this imply the glass ceiling is still firmly in place in the music industry and therefore by extension in society at large?
Ang: I'm glad you asked this. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but my latest dissertation, entitled "The Spice Girls: A Post-Modern View of Feminism for a New Generation post-2001," discusses this very point at length. If you wish to read the entire publication, you can contract my alma mater, the Provincial University of Manitoba.
Crabs: Go Fighting Caribous!
Ang: Yes, yes. To whit, my thesis is as follows: Ginger Spice's at times "slutty" attire is in fact a disguise for her considerable intellectual prowess. Much as the Islamic world has embraced the burka, Ginger's continued reliance on skimpy clothing choices in fact masks her intelligence so that she is able to covertly subvert the status quo.
Crabs: The Spice Girls themselves, while being clever caricatures of personality stereotypes, also serve to reinforce the established British class system, with its minute yet relevant distinctions, so the continued presence of these class paradigms in 90s pop music clearly indicates the failure of Thatcher-esque egalitarianism. Please comment on this.
Ang: Are you suggesting that the girls are somehow a representation of Tony Blair-era Labour politics?
Crabs: The connection between pop music and politics is clearly documented throughout history; therefore, my answer would be a definitive yes. So my follow-up question to you is: if Tony Blair were a Spice Girl, which one would he be? And why?
Ang: Such a rich question. It is my assertion that Tony Blair would in fact be Sporty Spice, a clear peon to the working man, so to speak. As we see throughout the movie, Sporty is continually compelled to act in a prescribed manner (i.e. that of a tomboy) despite her obvious interests in clothes and other "girly" pursuits. This indicates that though she struggles to overcome her working class roots, she has as yet been unsuccessful. Much in the way that Tony Blair continually strives to better the lives of working class Britons, yet always comes up short.
Crabs: The Spice Girls recently launched a comeback tour, to great fanfare. So one could say that the Spice Girls have thus become Spice Women. What do you think this says about the "Girl Power" movement as an evolutionary force in contemporary society?
Ang: As you are undoubtedly aware, though the above-mentioned comeback tour was launched with great expectation, it did not do as well as one might have hoped. To me, this indicates that the "Girl Power" movement, as you call it, has been diluted over the years, and that the mere mention of such a ideology is more powerful than the ideology itself, much in the way that the image of the Spice Girls is more compelling than they are at this point in history.
Well, that's all for now. Ang and Crabs are off to re-plumb the depths of this classic using their newly-acquired Criterion edition of Spice World.
Rating: three sticks in the eye (and a pair of leopard-print hot pants).
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Perfect Storm -- A Perfectly Cliche Movie
Note: Due to overuse, the Cliche-O-Tron in ICBIWT headquarters has suffered a broken flux capacitor. This is a critical research tool for Ang & Crabs, and if you would like to donate to the Cliche-a-Tron Relief Fund, Jerry Lewis will be sponsoring a telethon next month. More details to come.
Facts: Some noteworthy events of 2000 include: The world did not come to an end, despite the "election" of GWB. The St. Louis Rams won the Superbowl. Microsoft released yet another OS behemoth. Vermont legalized same-sex unions. And a tour-de-force roared into movie theaters nationwide. Okay, really, yet another piece of uninspired Hollywood claptrap landed with a splash in a cinema near you. Starring some of Hollywood's finest: George "Pretty Boy" Clooney, Mark "Multi-Talented" Wahlberg, Diane "I'm Inexplicably Playing a 25-Year-Old" Lane, John C. "Never a Leading Man" Reilly, and a hodgepodge cast of miscellaneous weather-beaten fisherfolk.
Plot summary: In the briney yet idyllic Massachusetts hamlet of Gloucester, swordfish captain Billy Tyne (Clooney) concludes the fishing season on a down note, much to the chagrin of his overbearing boss and the amusement of his pseudo love interest. After a rowdy celebration at the local watering hole, which features every type of debauchery and indulgence, including, but not limited to, excessive drinking, one night stands (and premarital sex!), swearing, you get the idea. We can only decide that in a drunken stupor, Clooney decides to head out again for the big score that will surely improve everyone's lives. Nothing could possibly go wrong. In between ignoring every possible warning sign of impending doom, the crew finds time to squabble amongst themselves before motoring themselves into the middle of the previously alluded to perfect storm, which, despite a courageous and valiant effort, ultimately gets the best of our seafearing heroes and they play the game too many men in a phone booth, except it's in Davy Jones's locker. Yeah, so they all die. Every one of 'em.
Key moments of interest:
The (motley) fishing crew returns, and have uninteresting reunions with girlfriends, wives, etc.
Oh, to be young and in love and in New England again. (And impoverished.)
Seems Clooney has lost his razor's edge when it comes to findin' them thar fish. Yarrrr.
He was bested by a female captain. Shatter that glass ceiling, baby!
Well, that catch sucked. Let's go get drunk!
Christina (Lane), the braless wonder, "bounces" down the stairs to meet her studly boyfriend, Bobby (Wahlberg). She looks good for being, like, 75.
Character development time!
Murph (Reilly) has a son from a previous marriage and according to Little Johnny Bigmouth: "Mommy has a new boyfriend!"
Pierre, aka The Foreigner, likes to knock dem boots, much to the delight of the entire bar below.
Bugsy can't get laid to save his life, but eventually finds a glimmer of hope in a gruff barfly named Irene.
Bobby and Christina are disgustingly in love and seem to have melded into one Boston-accented amorous blob.
Billy is lonely and brooding. Just what everyone wants in a sea captain.
(At this point in time, the indicator light in the Cliche-O-Tron seems to have burned out.)
Billy informs the crew that they're going out again. Because by god, he'll find those fish! He always has and he always will! (Famous last words.)
Cue wise villagers..."Going back to the Grand Banks at this time of year is suicide!"
Domestic violence warning: Bobby gets a shiner from Christina when she finds out he's leaving yet again. Them east coast girls is spunky!
The crew's almost complete. The last cog in this perfect machine would be Murph's hated rival, wife-stealer Sully.
The crew heads out into open waters, to much fanfare.
Oh wait, what's that dark cloud on the horizon? Onward, ho!
Some random meteorologist in Boston, we'll call him Comb-over, is going to explain the impending disaster: "Well, what we have here is a recipe for disaster. We've got this doohickey over here and this hurricane over here, and this jet stream up here, and well by gosh, if those three come together at the same time, we could have ourselves a...what's the term I'm looking for...a perfect storm! But that probably won't happen. Maybe."
Oh no, some random boaters somewhere are trapped in a hurricane or something! Why should you care? Hard to say...
Defying all known laws of physics, a Coast Guard helicopter flies through the hurricane to rescue these poor saps.
Never again will man dare to laugh in the face of Mother Nature's fury!
Oh wait...what's that I hear? It sounds like laughing.
Meanwhile back at the Grand Banks, the crew is striking out yet again. Swordfish are hard to come by.
"There just ain't no fish around here, cap'n!"
The fishing goes from bad to much, much worse when they somehow catch a Great White shark, which latches onto one of the crew members (Bobby) and tries to chomp his foot off.
It's a good thing he was wearing shark-proof rubber boots!
Moron Murph is hooked and falls overboard, only to be saved from certain death by his (as you'll recall) hated rival, Sully.
(The Cliche-O-Tron is belching smoke. Perhaps it blew a belt or has a loose gasket.)
In the face of mounting mutiny, Cap'n Crusty Beard decides, instead of packing it in, they're going to motor out further to the dreaded Flemish Cap. Not the Flemish Cap, are you crazy!!!
Oh, is it getting even darker over there on the horizon, Cap'n?
"Don't worry, Bobby. This old boat's been through worse."
Party time at the Flemish Cap! Swordfish in abundance!
The celebration comes to an abrupt end when the crew realizes that their cheapskate boss overhauled the ice machine instead of replacing it, forcing them to return to port prematurely.
The townsfolk are worried. They've never seen a storm quite like this before.
Old sea captain Barnacle Pete: "This be the worst storm in nigh on 1,000 years, says I!"
(Is that thumping, vibrating noise coming from the Cliche-O-Tron? Perhaps its rationality modulator has come untethered.)
Christina, who just rented a crappy new apartment for her and Bobby, is understandably peeved.
Meanwhile, back at the meteorologist's news station, the intern says, "Well, that can't possibly be a perfect storm a-brewin'!"
Meteorologist Guy: "Oh, you better believe it. That's a...PERFECT STORM! God help anyone foolish enough to be out fishing with a busted ice machine."
The crew is mid-battle when the windshield gets knocked out by one of their anchors.
The fearless captain ventures out onto the boon to cut it loose. Oh, the suspense...
The crew is up against 20-foot waves! 3o-foot waves! 50 foot waves! A pants-crapping 100-foot wave!
Cap'n Pretty Boy decides they're going to beat the wave at its own game and drive up the side of it, a plan which, despite its genius, doesn't work so well.
Cue the capsizing, drowning, etc.
But wait! Bobby somehow made it out alive! (But he ends up drowning anyway, so it doesn't matter.)
Back on land, the families of the fallen hold a memorial service for the drowned boneheads.
Lady Cap'n: "They were wonderful people and they loved life. But more than life, they loved the sea."
(Oh God! The Cliche-O-Tron's on fire! Get the fire extinguisher!)
Snarky movie discussion:
Due to the stress of making funeral arrangements for the Cliche-O-Tron, Ang & Crabs were not able to have a snarky movie discussion for this entry. Once they have dealt sufficiently with their grief, this feature will return. They would like to leave you with one question to ponder: If the Cap'n Clooney inside of you were in a similar situation, would he have decided to stay in port to go out again? Think on this, and what this says about you as a person. And if need be, go get sloppy drunk in the tradition of the finest seamen.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (plus the Josephine K. Cliche-O-Tron Award for most uninspired screenplay of 2000.)
RIP, Josephine the Cliche-O-Tron, 2009-2009.
Those footprints in the sand are from when we carried you.
Facts: Some noteworthy events of 2000 include: The world did not come to an end, despite the "election" of GWB. The St. Louis Rams won the Superbowl. Microsoft released yet another OS behemoth. Vermont legalized same-sex unions. And a tour-de-force roared into movie theaters nationwide. Okay, really, yet another piece of uninspired Hollywood claptrap landed with a splash in a cinema near you. Starring some of Hollywood's finest: George "Pretty Boy" Clooney, Mark "Multi-Talented" Wahlberg, Diane "I'm Inexplicably Playing a 25-Year-Old" Lane, John C. "Never a Leading Man" Reilly, and a hodgepodge cast of miscellaneous weather-beaten fisherfolk.
Plot summary: In the briney yet idyllic Massachusetts hamlet of Gloucester, swordfish captain Billy Tyne (Clooney) concludes the fishing season on a down note, much to the chagrin of his overbearing boss and the amusement of his pseudo love interest. After a rowdy celebration at the local watering hole, which features every type of debauchery and indulgence, including, but not limited to, excessive drinking, one night stands (and premarital sex!), swearing, you get the idea. We can only decide that in a drunken stupor, Clooney decides to head out again for the big score that will surely improve everyone's lives. Nothing could possibly go wrong. In between ignoring every possible warning sign of impending doom, the crew finds time to squabble amongst themselves before motoring themselves into the middle of the previously alluded to perfect storm, which, despite a courageous and valiant effort, ultimately gets the best of our seafearing heroes and they play the game too many men in a phone booth, except it's in Davy Jones's locker. Yeah, so they all die. Every one of 'em.
Key moments of interest:
The (motley) fishing crew returns, and have uninteresting reunions with girlfriends, wives, etc.
Oh, to be young and in love and in New England again. (And impoverished.)
Seems Clooney has lost his razor's edge when it comes to findin' them thar fish. Yarrrr.
He was bested by a female captain. Shatter that glass ceiling, baby!
Well, that catch sucked. Let's go get drunk!
Christina (Lane), the braless wonder, "bounces" down the stairs to meet her studly boyfriend, Bobby (Wahlberg). She looks good for being, like, 75.
Character development time!
Murph (Reilly) has a son from a previous marriage and according to Little Johnny Bigmouth: "Mommy has a new boyfriend!"
Pierre, aka The Foreigner, likes to knock dem boots, much to the delight of the entire bar below.
Bugsy can't get laid to save his life, but eventually finds a glimmer of hope in a gruff barfly named Irene.
Bobby and Christina are disgustingly in love and seem to have melded into one Boston-accented amorous blob.
Billy is lonely and brooding. Just what everyone wants in a sea captain.
(At this point in time, the indicator light in the Cliche-O-Tron seems to have burned out.)
Billy informs the crew that they're going out again. Because by god, he'll find those fish! He always has and he always will! (Famous last words.)
Cue wise villagers..."Going back to the Grand Banks at this time of year is suicide!"
Domestic violence warning: Bobby gets a shiner from Christina when she finds out he's leaving yet again. Them east coast girls is spunky!
The crew's almost complete. The last cog in this perfect machine would be Murph's hated rival, wife-stealer Sully.
The crew heads out into open waters, to much fanfare.
Oh wait, what's that dark cloud on the horizon? Onward, ho!
Some random meteorologist in Boston, we'll call him Comb-over, is going to explain the impending disaster: "Well, what we have here is a recipe for disaster. We've got this doohickey over here and this hurricane over here, and this jet stream up here, and well by gosh, if those three come together at the same time, we could have ourselves a...what's the term I'm looking for...a perfect storm! But that probably won't happen. Maybe."
Oh no, some random boaters somewhere are trapped in a hurricane or something! Why should you care? Hard to say...
Defying all known laws of physics, a Coast Guard helicopter flies through the hurricane to rescue these poor saps.
Never again will man dare to laugh in the face of Mother Nature's fury!
Oh wait...what's that I hear? It sounds like laughing.
Meanwhile back at the Grand Banks, the crew is striking out yet again. Swordfish are hard to come by.
"There just ain't no fish around here, cap'n!"
The fishing goes from bad to much, much worse when they somehow catch a Great White shark, which latches onto one of the crew members (Bobby) and tries to chomp his foot off.
It's a good thing he was wearing shark-proof rubber boots!
Moron Murph is hooked and falls overboard, only to be saved from certain death by his (as you'll recall) hated rival, Sully.
(The Cliche-O-Tron is belching smoke. Perhaps it blew a belt or has a loose gasket.)
In the face of mounting mutiny, Cap'n Crusty Beard decides, instead of packing it in, they're going to motor out further to the dreaded Flemish Cap. Not the Flemish Cap, are you crazy!!!
Oh, is it getting even darker over there on the horizon, Cap'n?
"Don't worry, Bobby. This old boat's been through worse."
Party time at the Flemish Cap! Swordfish in abundance!
The celebration comes to an abrupt end when the crew realizes that their cheapskate boss overhauled the ice machine instead of replacing it, forcing them to return to port prematurely.
The townsfolk are worried. They've never seen a storm quite like this before.
Old sea captain Barnacle Pete: "This be the worst storm in nigh on 1,000 years, says I!"
(Is that thumping, vibrating noise coming from the Cliche-O-Tron? Perhaps its rationality modulator has come untethered.)
Christina, who just rented a crappy new apartment for her and Bobby, is understandably peeved.
Meanwhile, back at the meteorologist's news station, the intern says, "Well, that can't possibly be a perfect storm a-brewin'!"
Meteorologist Guy: "Oh, you better believe it. That's a...PERFECT STORM! God help anyone foolish enough to be out fishing with a busted ice machine."
The crew is mid-battle when the windshield gets knocked out by one of their anchors.
The fearless captain ventures out onto the boon to cut it loose. Oh, the suspense...
The crew is up against 20-foot waves! 3o-foot waves! 50 foot waves! A pants-crapping 100-foot wave!
Cap'n Pretty Boy decides they're going to beat the wave at its own game and drive up the side of it, a plan which, despite its genius, doesn't work so well.
Cue the capsizing, drowning, etc.
But wait! Bobby somehow made it out alive! (But he ends up drowning anyway, so it doesn't matter.)
Back on land, the families of the fallen hold a memorial service for the drowned boneheads.
Lady Cap'n: "They were wonderful people and they loved life. But more than life, they loved the sea."
(Oh God! The Cliche-O-Tron's on fire! Get the fire extinguisher!)
Snarky movie discussion:
Due to the stress of making funeral arrangements for the Cliche-O-Tron, Ang & Crabs were not able to have a snarky movie discussion for this entry. Once they have dealt sufficiently with their grief, this feature will return. They would like to leave you with one question to ponder: If the Cap'n Clooney inside of you were in a similar situation, would he have decided to stay in port to go out again? Think on this, and what this says about you as a person. And if need be, go get sloppy drunk in the tradition of the finest seamen.
Rating: four sticks in the eye (plus the Josephine K. Cliche-O-Tron Award for most uninspired screenplay of 2000.)
RIP, Josephine the Cliche-O-Tron, 2009-2009.
Those footprints in the sand are from when we carried you.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Street Fighter -- The Cape of Evil
Facts: Street Fighter began as an arcade game, later becoming popular on several consoles. It is, as its name implies, a fighting game. It has no plot to speak of. Therefore, the most logical option is to make a full-length movie based upon it -- who could star in such an obvious tour de force? Orson Wells? Sidney Potier? No, neither of them were available. We need someone whose acting chops are at least as formidable as his muscular frame. Enter...Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also starring Raul Julia (in what would be his last movie), Kylie Minogue, and a bunch of other people confined to the annals of history.
Plot summary: A magnificent cape, which happens to be worn by a tinpot dictator wanna-be, M. Bison (Julia) plots to take over a third-world country you've never heard of and therefore don't care about (that's because it doesn't exist). This ruffles the feathers of the U.N. -- er, we mean A.N. (Allied Nations), so they send in a meddlesome force spearheaded by none other than the fearless Col. Guile (Van Damme, at his cheesiest). Some low-budget action ensues, which somehow embroils the familiar Street Fighter cast in a deliciously sweet crap brulee, which goes down as easily as a jagged metal Krusty-O.
Key moments of interest:
The costume designer for M. Bison has his own opening credit. This does not bode well.
Crackpot Bison (complete with skull cape) gives us a tour of his impressive styrofoam lair.
M. Bison: "If I don't get 50 BILLION dollars, stat, I'll kill every one of these hostages."
(Taking a break to do some quick math: that's 2.5 billion per platinum-plated hostage.)
Requisite shoving hostages into pit scene. Necks break and so on.
Resident Asian reporter Chun-Li provides a convenient retrospective on the conflict in Shandaloo (it's really called that.)
Guile gives an impassioned interview and vows to bring down Bison at any cost. (Passion or constipation? We can't be sure.)
We learn that one of Bison's hostages is Guile's BFF Blanka.
Bison uses his satellite to broadcast his sinister message. Where's the FCC when you need them?
We meet two more of our protagonists (if you call them that), Ken and Ryu, who turn out to be upstanding citizens/gun-runners (and not very good ones).
Local criminal mastermind Sagat discovers that these two morons have sold him nerf guns, and a beat-fest commences.
Just as Ken and Ryu are about to get their asses kicked, the whole lot of them (masterminds and all) are arrested by A.N. officials and hauled off in a paddywagon
Guile decides they need a man on the inside of Sagat's operation (because, as we see, Sagat is running guns for M. Bison). Note the convoluted and highly complex plot at work here.
Ken and Ryu put on their snitch hats and proceed to ingratiate themselves into Sagat's inner circle.
Cue prison riot. OMG, they killed Guile!
Bison puts his real estate license to good use, revealing his plans for Bisonopolis. Condos starting in the mid-700s. Complete with half off all torture devices for your first year of occupancy.
Hottie reporter Chun-Li, reinforcing delightful stereotypes, dons her little black cat suit (like all reporters wear) and goes off to investigate Guile's death.
Turns out she has a grudge against...you guessed it, Mr. Popularity, M. Bison, who...killed her father or burned her village...or something.
OMG, Guile's a zombie! No, wait, he's just alive after all.
At M. Bison's coming out ball, Sagat & Co. feature Chun-Li's pseudo-seductive dance.
Bison attempts to pay Sagat with Bison Dollars (which will be worth a lot once Bison kidnaps the Queen of England) which leads to some words being exchanged.
Like all good throw-downs, this one ends with a truck bomb going off.
Meanwhile, back in Shandaloo City, Guile finalizes his plans to storm Bison's compound.
Insert yet another passionate speech, this one to his troops.
Not so fast! An A.N. bigwig pisses on Guile's fire, and we learn that they plan to give into Bison's ludicrous ransom demand.
Defying director orders, Guile soldiers on, and he, his right-hand woman, Cammy, and some disposable minions, cram into some sort of boat and head towards Bison's lair.
Oh, no! The cloaking device has failed! Our perfect plan is in danger!
Back in Bison's lab, Guile's BFF Blanka is being morphed into a killing machine with, inexplicably, green skin and red hair.
Bison Corp. is admirably concerned with safety, as they have plastic bags labeled as "DNA Mutagens" all over the place. Safety first!
Somehow (we're not sure how) Guile and crew get into the compound.
Fighting. (Seriously, it's not that interesting.)
Guile kills Bison! No, wait...Guile kills Bison! No, wait...
Blanka, who has retained some vestige of his humanity, helps them herd the hostages to safety. (Me ashamed to be in movie. Kill me, please.)
Guile's dead! No, wait...
This caravan of atrocities is taken out back and mercifully put down.
In lieu of our normal snarky movie discussion, in conjunction with VH1, ICBIWT will be doing a Behind the Scenes special.
First up...Cammy. You wouldn't think it, but this role was actually played by the talented singer Kylie Minogue. Whether this was an attempt on her part to expand her career into film, or perhaps she was just bored and looking for something to do, we'll never know. Following the movie, the pinnacle of her career, as it turned out, she fell into a deep depression. In the fall of 2005, friends held an intervention to confront her about her dependency on Fanta and Ricola cough drops, known on the black market as a Swiss Fizz. She was admitted to the Betty Ford Center for Cute Pop Stars, and promptly turned her life around. Kylie is currently touring in support of her new album, Revolutionary Devolutions Electronic Convolutions.
Moving right along...M. Bison. He's dead. Has been for awhile. Oops.
Next...Chung-Li (played by Ming-Na). The versatile actress used this movie as a springboard to launch herself into the stratosphere of Hong Kong action cinema. However, she was crippled in a tragic cobbling accident, and now tours the world as a motivational speaker. She primarily warns people against the dangers of excessive MSG.
Lastly...Guile. Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme himself. He went on to star in such notable films as the 2007 remake of The King and I (co-starring Sigourney Weaver and Gary Busey). He also reprised his role as Dumbledore in J.K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series, and he appeared also in lesser-known French cinema such as Les Enfants de Miserables, a touching tale of forbidden love and sultry passions set in the south of France in the early 1870s. In addition to his considerable movie work, he also founded a non-profit organization, the International Antarctic Orca Legal Defense Fund, which represents orcas on trial for genocide against seals. He was also chosen to take a trip to the International Space Station about one of the Russian space capsules, and became the first man to successfully defeat a space yeti in hand-to-hand zero G caged combat.
For next time: Ice Pirates, a reader-suggested film.
Rating: four sticks in the eye.
Plot summary: A magnificent cape, which happens to be worn by a tinpot dictator wanna-be, M. Bison (Julia) plots to take over a third-world country you've never heard of and therefore don't care about (that's because it doesn't exist). This ruffles the feathers of the U.N. -- er, we mean A.N. (Allied Nations), so they send in a meddlesome force spearheaded by none other than the fearless Col. Guile (Van Damme, at his cheesiest). Some low-budget action ensues, which somehow embroils the familiar Street Fighter cast in a deliciously sweet crap brulee, which goes down as easily as a jagged metal Krusty-O.
Key moments of interest:
The costume designer for M. Bison has his own opening credit. This does not bode well.
Crackpot Bison (complete with skull cape) gives us a tour of his impressive styrofoam lair.
M. Bison: "If I don't get 50 BILLION dollars, stat, I'll kill every one of these hostages."
(Taking a break to do some quick math: that's 2.5 billion per platinum-plated hostage.)
Requisite shoving hostages into pit scene. Necks break and so on.
Resident Asian reporter Chun-Li provides a convenient retrospective on the conflict in Shandaloo (it's really called that.)
Guile gives an impassioned interview and vows to bring down Bison at any cost. (Passion or constipation? We can't be sure.)
We learn that one of Bison's hostages is Guile's BFF Blanka.
Bison uses his satellite to broadcast his sinister message. Where's the FCC when you need them?
We meet two more of our protagonists (if you call them that), Ken and Ryu, who turn out to be upstanding citizens/gun-runners (and not very good ones).
Local criminal mastermind Sagat discovers that these two morons have sold him nerf guns, and a beat-fest commences.
Just as Ken and Ryu are about to get their asses kicked, the whole lot of them (masterminds and all) are arrested by A.N. officials and hauled off in a paddywagon
Guile decides they need a man on the inside of Sagat's operation (because, as we see, Sagat is running guns for M. Bison). Note the convoluted and highly complex plot at work here.
Ken and Ryu put on their snitch hats and proceed to ingratiate themselves into Sagat's inner circle.
Cue prison riot. OMG, they killed Guile!
Bison puts his real estate license to good use, revealing his plans for Bisonopolis. Condos starting in the mid-700s. Complete with half off all torture devices for your first year of occupancy.
Hottie reporter Chun-Li, reinforcing delightful stereotypes, dons her little black cat suit (like all reporters wear) and goes off to investigate Guile's death.
Turns out she has a grudge against...you guessed it, Mr. Popularity, M. Bison, who...killed her father or burned her village...or something.
OMG, Guile's a zombie! No, wait, he's just alive after all.
At M. Bison's coming out ball, Sagat & Co. feature Chun-Li's pseudo-seductive dance.
Bison attempts to pay Sagat with Bison Dollars (which will be worth a lot once Bison kidnaps the Queen of England) which leads to some words being exchanged.
Like all good throw-downs, this one ends with a truck bomb going off.
Meanwhile, back in Shandaloo City, Guile finalizes his plans to storm Bison's compound.
Insert yet another passionate speech, this one to his troops.
Not so fast! An A.N. bigwig pisses on Guile's fire, and we learn that they plan to give into Bison's ludicrous ransom demand.
Defying director orders, Guile soldiers on, and he, his right-hand woman, Cammy, and some disposable minions, cram into some sort of boat and head towards Bison's lair.
Oh, no! The cloaking device has failed! Our perfect plan is in danger!
Back in Bison's lab, Guile's BFF Blanka is being morphed into a killing machine with, inexplicably, green skin and red hair.
Bison Corp. is admirably concerned with safety, as they have plastic bags labeled as "DNA Mutagens" all over the place. Safety first!
Somehow (we're not sure how) Guile and crew get into the compound.
Fighting. (Seriously, it's not that interesting.)
Guile kills Bison! No, wait...Guile kills Bison! No, wait...
Blanka, who has retained some vestige of his humanity, helps them herd the hostages to safety. (Me ashamed to be in movie. Kill me, please.)
Guile's dead! No, wait...
This caravan of atrocities is taken out back and mercifully put down.
In lieu of our normal snarky movie discussion, in conjunction with VH1, ICBIWT will be doing a Behind the Scenes special.
First up...Cammy. You wouldn't think it, but this role was actually played by the talented singer Kylie Minogue. Whether this was an attempt on her part to expand her career into film, or perhaps she was just bored and looking for something to do, we'll never know. Following the movie, the pinnacle of her career, as it turned out, she fell into a deep depression. In the fall of 2005, friends held an intervention to confront her about her dependency on Fanta and Ricola cough drops, known on the black market as a Swiss Fizz. She was admitted to the Betty Ford Center for Cute Pop Stars, and promptly turned her life around. Kylie is currently touring in support of her new album, Revolutionary Devolutions Electronic Convolutions.
Moving right along...M. Bison. He's dead. Has been for awhile. Oops.
Next...Chung-Li (played by Ming-Na). The versatile actress used this movie as a springboard to launch herself into the stratosphere of Hong Kong action cinema. However, she was crippled in a tragic cobbling accident, and now tours the world as a motivational speaker. She primarily warns people against the dangers of excessive MSG.
Lastly...Guile. Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme himself. He went on to star in such notable films as the 2007 remake of The King and I (co-starring Sigourney Weaver and Gary Busey). He also reprised his role as Dumbledore in J.K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series, and he appeared also in lesser-known French cinema such as Les Enfants de Miserables, a touching tale of forbidden love and sultry passions set in the south of France in the early 1870s. In addition to his considerable movie work, he also founded a non-profit organization, the International Antarctic Orca Legal Defense Fund, which represents orcas on trial for genocide against seals. He was also chosen to take a trip to the International Space Station about one of the Russian space capsules, and became the first man to successfully defeat a space yeti in hand-to-hand zero G caged combat.
For next time: Ice Pirates, a reader-suggested film.
Rating: four sticks in the eye.
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