We here at ICBIWT Headquarters have been in the hunt for an intern for quite some time now. Despite working with several temp agencies and wading through thousands of applications, we were beginning to think our search was futile. All of the applicants had unreasonable demands such as "no sexual harassment" and whatnot. But fate intervened, and Ang & Crabs found themselves wallowing in a rank pub in the middle of Pioneer Square on Easter night 2010. There we found a young man wallowing in an alley behind the pub. Lo and behold he would become our new intern. You can learn more about this lucky young man below.
1. Please explain your interest in crappy movies utilizing a post-9/11 worldview.
It is a well-known fact that America is hated by pretty much everyone non-American – terrorists, Indians, Canadians – for our freedoms. American freedom is the greatest gift that America and God have bestowed upon the entire world, and our freedom is directly linked to our culture, notably that most American of all cultural icons, the movie-film. When American-French invented the Lumiere in the late 1800s it heralded a new means of entertainment for the world, echoed today by American-Indians making films in Bollywood.
However our heritage and freedoms are at risk from those who hate both. They want to destroy American films and the only way to preserve them is to watch these movies for God and Country. In fact, I would go so far as to call them Freedom Films, because that’s what they are – symbols of America as much as the crying bald eagle and Fox News logo are symbols of America. In short, if we don’t watch these Freedom Films, the terrorists have already won.
2. Please describe your unique brand of snark and how it would benefit the blog.
I found my snark in a back-alley in Istanbul. I was shopping for carpets, which as everyone knows is the best place in the world to buy a carpet, and having tea with a friendly merchant who kept looking at my crotch and licking his lips. I asked if he had anything ‘special’ if you know what I mean, and he showed me his box of unique items. Inside was a snark and I paid €900 for it, which I felt was a great deal. It benefits the blog because there’s no other snark like it in
the world.
3. What's the worst movie you've ever seen? What qualities make it especially godawful?
The worst movie I’ve ever seen was a movie you’ve already reviewed: Crossroads. I was a professional FEELM CRITIC then, and I got into the movie for free to review it. 20 minutes into the film I had enough material for my review and walked out, and then demanded a refund to
my free pass just to drive home to the manager of the cinema that he was an accomplice in crimes against humanity for agreeing to show the movie in his business.
4. How does your interest in the worst cinema has to offer relate to your studies in existentialism and/or Buddhism?
Buddhism and The Princess Bride both show us that ‘life is pain,’ and anyone who says differently is selling you something. The worst cinema in the world is a way to encounter and experience that pain head-on, similar to repeatedly running into a wall of broken beer bottles. Sure you might get a little cut up, but in the long run it’ll be better for you because at the end of the experience you’ll know how to tie a tourniquet.
5. What snack foods do you enjoy eating while suffering through shitty movies?
Does cheap whisky count as a snack food? If so, that’s my answer. Just ask Crabs how well that works out.
6. Please explain in detail why you think Ang and Crabs are especially hilarious bloggers?
I’ve dubbed Ang and Crabs the Queen and King of Funnytimes because their blog consistently makes me ‘laugh out loud,’ or ‘LOL.’ Sometimes it makes me ‘roll on the floor laughing,’ or ROFL, and occasionally I even ‘laugh my balls off,’ or LMBO. This has only happened twice
because after that I didn’t have any more balls. I had to get them from under the couch and the five-second rule had already passed so I was kind of out of luck in that regard. Still I owe allegiance to the Queen and King of Funnytimes.
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