Note: Ang & Crabs are proud to announce that this is the first post which includes the whit and wisdom of our new intern, Jason.
Facts: I'm no Mayan, but if I was, I would be shitting my loincloth right now, for as a Mayan in the know, I would be privy to the end of the world as we know it, which just happens to be in two years, so get ready. Late in the fall of 1952, Professor Indiana Jones and a small but loyal cadre of associates (including Nicolas Cage; okay, John Cusack) were exploring an isolated set of ruins in the Yucatan peninsula and discovered something so devastating that it took 57 years to come to fruition. In a small nook at the heart of a blood-stained temple, Dr. Jones et al found the screenplay for 2012. Released in the go-go year of 2009 (as in go-go to the unemployment office), 2012 would prove to be the emotional salve unifying a distraught nation and providing the impetus for the economic recovery and prosperity that we are enjoying to this day. Starring John "Nicolas Case" Cusack, Woody "I'm Playing Myself" Harrelson, Amanda "When You Can't Afford Any Other Talent" Peet, Danny "I've Really Sunk to a New Low" Glover, and Thandie "Backless Beyonce" Newton. And a host of other Julliard junkies (all non-union).
Plot summary: In 2008, scientists in Bollywood discover a pool of boiling water two miles under the earth in a coal mine. This proverbial "canary" is a neutrino detection device that shows massive solar flares are bombarding the earth with neutrinos. The world's sole black scientist is on the case, however. Four years in the future, Nicolas Cage (Cusack) is a limo driver and gigantic failure of a father and an author who takes his kids camping in Yellowstone National Park, where he meets batshit crazy radio host Charlie (Harrelson) and discovers that the earth is literally about to explode. His ex-wife (Peet) and her shmuck of a boyfriend (some guy) join him on his quest to escape certain death. Oh, and they meet up with an insufferable Russian billionaire and his trophy girlfriend, with his bratty twins in tow. Trust us, you don't care about a single one of those people. Cue two hours of disaster porn and an ending straight out of a script writing for dummies book.
Key moments of interest:
Cue exploding solar flares. (straight out of Galaga, circa 1980).
The sun is menacing us from afar. (For years man has yearned to destroy the sun...)
India's hot, but this is ridiculous! (Ouch!)
(Our science advisor, Dr. John, decided to leave the movie after about five minutes.)
A scientist goes to the ball to talk to the president, but shockingly, no one believes him.
Thirsty anyone? Dr. Anheiser, the president's douche-baggy advisor, is eventually persuaded.
(After less than a minute of convincing, the scientist is our world's most important person. He's subsequently shipped off to a briefing session.)
Character development:
Jackson Curtis (Cage/Cusack) is estranged from his ex-wife and kids. His son hates him (with good reason) and his daughter still wets the bed. (Dysfunctional family alert, number 1!).
He also thinks a limo is a good vehicle for camping.
Jackson takes his kids to Yellowstone to show them his and his wife's make-out spot (what?). He also happens to have written a book about the end of the world, panned for its optimistic and happy ending. Foreshadowing rocks!
There they meet Charlie (Harrelson) in the forest/Ground Zero. Charlie is full of gems, including flash animation prophesying the end of the world.
He also tells Jackson that the government is building spaceships, the location of which he just happens to have lying around. These maps will not be important later...
Back in Yuppie Town, the earth (evidenced by a grocery store) is splitting in two, and mom Kate demands the return of her kids.
At some point we're introduced to a lovable odd couple on some random cruise ship, the members of a godawful jazz duo.
The second Jackson returns to California (to pick up his kids, and for some reason, his ex-wife and her boyfriend) the earth begins to crumble.
Cue half an hour of limo jumping and wreckage. This dude should be driving for NASCAR.
The limo drives through buildings, under buildings, over buildings, and through freakin' time.
Much to the delight of everyone outside of California, California falls into the ocean.
The only people to escape are the morons in the limo, because it just so happens that Kate's boyfriend is a pilot (sort of).
Now that the world is literally falling to bits, where should we go? Back to Yellowstone!
After random chicanery involving an RV, Jackson obtains a map containing the locations of the spaceships. He nearly falls into the center of the earth, blah blah.
In the only scene worth watching in the movie, Yellowstone explodes just as our intrepid heroes fly away in their stolen plane.
Cue superfluous, non-special effects laden dialogue in Washington, DC.
The world's only black scientist turns out to be in disgrace because his timeline is a bit off.
Turns out the world is ending a bit earlier than expected.
They upgrade their crappy plane, by way of the Russian billionaire (who's watching a boxing match while the world burns).
Unfortunately, his girlfriend and stupid kids come along too.
One of our jazz duo is the father of the aforementioned scientist, and they have one last conversation before a tsunami hits the cruise ship.
For some reason, the newly-acquired jumbo jet is full of cars (none of which will come in handy, of course).
This is your captain speaking. Our stop in Hawaii has been delayed due to the fact that the entire island is on fire.
Next stop: China, the savior of humanity.
Ze plane has no ze landing gear. We have to land ze plane on ze glacier, comrade.
Instructions for exiting plane on glacier: step one, get in sports car; step two, bounce on ice; step three: drive sports car out of plane; step four, watch plane fall off of cliff, killing Russian pilot (who happened to be giving the ole party line to...oh, who cares?).
In turns out humanity's grand plan to save itself involves building a series of giant boats that will presumably float on the thousand-mile high tidal wave coming at them.
Why they didn't bother to simply build an underground vault is a matter for debate and military contractors' budgets.
(At this point in time our science advisor was found in a corner loading bullets into a revolver and had to be restrained for his own safety.)
However, there is not enough room in the arks for all rich people, and thus begins a ham-fisted morality play about including everything. Our Russian billionaire thankfully dies.
Note: When designing a humanity-saving ark, an important safety feature is to make sure the engines cannot start until all doors are closed.
This leads to another tiresome twenty-minute subplot about closing the door. (Yes, really.)
Jackson is part humpback whale, because he can hold his breath for, like, 20 minutes.
This is apparently a genetic trait, because his son, who loves him all of a sudden, can do it to.
Report, Captain! Engines inoperative! Mount Everett looming!
Jackson saves the day and wins back his woman (after her boyfriend dies lubricating giant gears with his body).
Meanwhile, the scientist hooks up with the president's daughter (whose father goes down with the ship and is subsequently killed by one).
The scientist is promoted to the Secretary of Pimping.
Then humanity sails off into the sunset, bound to repopulate Africa.
Snarky movie discussion:
CRABS: A common lamentation these days is the decline in American schools of a science curriculum. Given the propensity of today's youth toward digital entertainment information, do you think 2012 and its esteemable science content, could be used as a supplement to traditional teaching methods?
JASON: 2012 includes many elements that appeal to modern youth, including chases, explosions, earthquakes, airplanes, cars, fake boobs (a major plot point), and Russians. As such, it is the perfect supplement to any science curriculum, and in fact should be put into a time capsule for future generations to enjoy should the Mayans' prediction turn out to be true.
CRABS: The disaster movie genre teaches us, among other things, that the surefire way to reconcile a dysfunctional and/or estranged family is through worldwide cataclysm. Do you foresee "disaster therapy" becoming a viable form of couples' counseling?
JASON: "Disaster therapy" works because disaster films, and the subsequent healing of families therein, is a metaphor for the healing of the human race via weeding out the weak. The human "family" always survives, even if it is one "Adam and Eve" couple, therefore, in this doctor's esteemed opinion, couples seeking counseling should first be forced to live through a global cataclysm (including, but not limited to floods, zombie attacks, nuclear war, and Kevin Costner movies).
(Note: our new intern, Jason, despite his delusions of grandeur, is not an actually a doctor of any kind.)
CRABS: Perhaps the most riveting sequence in the movie involves the eruption of the Yellowstone super-volcano. Given that this is a known and obvious threat, do you feel that FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security are doing enough to protect us against this imminent disaster? In particular, at what point in time would a pre-emptive nuclear strike against this subterranean menace be justified?
JASON: Human kind's greatest mistake was building the Large Hadron Collider 180 degrees across the planet from the Yellowstone super-volcano. This is evidence that FEMA is not doing nearly enough to protect us, and in fact is in cahoots with the aliens to encourage the volcano's eruption. A pre-emptive nuclear strike is therefore unlikely, as the government only wants to hasten our demise.
(You're doing a heckuva job, Jason.)
CRABS: I'd like to thank your intern for putting in a jolly good effort, and I just have one final question for him. If you were to survive a worldwide disaster, which disaster would it be? And also, what would your stereotypical role be?
JASON: I would choose a killer plague because then there'd just be a lot of shit lying around that I could pick up and do things with. And it would be my responsibility to repopulate w the earth, with my wife who would have also survived. Because we have shared immunity, which I acquired when I was a firefighter on the International Space Station.
For next time: Leprechaun 4: In Space. There better be a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. Maybe we can get Jennifer Aniston to guest-blog with us.
Rating: seven and a half sticks in the eye (and a 2.6 on the Richter Scale of Atrocity).
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Ang & Crabs have defied corporate culture and hired a new intern.
We here at ICBIWT Headquarters have been in the hunt for an intern for quite some time now. Despite working with several temp agencies and wading through thousands of applications, we were beginning to think our search was futile. All of the applicants had unreasonable demands such as "no sexual harassment" and whatnot. But fate intervened, and Ang & Crabs found themselves wallowing in a rank pub in the middle of Pioneer Square on Easter night 2010. There we found a young man wallowing in an alley behind the pub. Lo and behold he would become our new intern. You can learn more about this lucky young man below.
1. Please explain your interest in crappy movies utilizing a post-9/11 worldview.
It is a well-known fact that America is hated by pretty much everyone non-American – terrorists, Indians, Canadians – for our freedoms. American freedom is the greatest gift that America and God have bestowed upon the entire world, and our freedom is directly linked to our culture, notably that most American of all cultural icons, the movie-film. When American-French invented the Lumiere in the late 1800s it heralded a new means of entertainment for the world, echoed today by American-Indians making films in Bollywood.
However our heritage and freedoms are at risk from those who hate both. They want to destroy American films and the only way to preserve them is to watch these movies for God and Country. In fact, I would go so far as to call them Freedom Films, because that’s what they are – symbols of America as much as the crying bald eagle and Fox News logo are symbols of America. In short, if we don’t watch these Freedom Films, the terrorists have already won.
2. Please describe your unique brand of snark and how it would benefit the blog.
I found my snark in a back-alley in Istanbul. I was shopping for carpets, which as everyone knows is the best place in the world to buy a carpet, and having tea with a friendly merchant who kept looking at my crotch and licking his lips. I asked if he had anything ‘special’ if you know what I mean, and he showed me his box of unique items. Inside was a snark and I paid €900 for it, which I felt was a great deal. It benefits the blog because there’s no other snark like it in
the world.
3. What's the worst movie you've ever seen? What qualities make it especially godawful?
The worst movie I’ve ever seen was a movie you’ve already reviewed: Crossroads. I was a professional FEELM CRITIC then, and I got into the movie for free to review it. 20 minutes into the film I had enough material for my review and walked out, and then demanded a refund to
my free pass just to drive home to the manager of the cinema that he was an accomplice in crimes against humanity for agreeing to show the movie in his business.
4. How does your interest in the worst cinema has to offer relate to your studies in existentialism and/or Buddhism?
Buddhism and The Princess Bride both show us that ‘life is pain,’ and anyone who says differently is selling you something. The worst cinema in the world is a way to encounter and experience that pain head-on, similar to repeatedly running into a wall of broken beer bottles. Sure you might get a little cut up, but in the long run it’ll be better for you because at the end of the experience you’ll know how to tie a tourniquet.
5. What snack foods do you enjoy eating while suffering through shitty movies?
Does cheap whisky count as a snack food? If so, that’s my answer. Just ask Crabs how well that works out.
6. Please explain in detail why you think Ang and Crabs are especially hilarious bloggers?
I’ve dubbed Ang and Crabs the Queen and King of Funnytimes because their blog consistently makes me ‘laugh out loud,’ or ‘LOL.’ Sometimes it makes me ‘roll on the floor laughing,’ or ROFL, and occasionally I even ‘laugh my balls off,’ or LMBO. This has only happened twice
because after that I didn’t have any more balls. I had to get them from under the couch and the five-second rule had already passed so I was kind of out of luck in that regard. Still I owe allegiance to the Queen and King of Funnytimes.
1. Please explain your interest in crappy movies utilizing a post-9/11 worldview.
It is a well-known fact that America is hated by pretty much everyone non-American – terrorists, Indians, Canadians – for our freedoms. American freedom is the greatest gift that America and God have bestowed upon the entire world, and our freedom is directly linked to our culture, notably that most American of all cultural icons, the movie-film. When American-French invented the Lumiere in the late 1800s it heralded a new means of entertainment for the world, echoed today by American-Indians making films in Bollywood.
However our heritage and freedoms are at risk from those who hate both. They want to destroy American films and the only way to preserve them is to watch these movies for God and Country. In fact, I would go so far as to call them Freedom Films, because that’s what they are – symbols of America as much as the crying bald eagle and Fox News logo are symbols of America. In short, if we don’t watch these Freedom Films, the terrorists have already won.
2. Please describe your unique brand of snark and how it would benefit the blog.
the world.
3. What's the worst movie you've ever seen? What qualities make it especially godawful?
my free pass just to drive home to the manager of the cinema that he was an accomplice in crimes against humanity for agreeing to show the movie in his business.
4. How does your interest in the worst cinema has to offer relate to your studies in existentialism and/or Buddhism?
5. What snack foods do you enjoy eating while suffering through shitty movies?
6. Please explain in detail why you think Ang and Crabs are especially hilarious bloggers?
because after that I didn’t have any more balls. I had to get them from under the couch and the five-second rule had already passed so I was kind of out of luck in that regard. Still I owe allegiance to the Queen and King of Funnytimes.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Twilight -- I Wish a Sparky Vampire Would Fall in Love with MEEEEEE!
Notes: 2008 will always be remembered as the year of the troop surge, the economic collapse, the election of one Barack Hussein Obama, and the Million Tween March on Washington, where a tidal wave of pre-teen adolescents descended on our Capitol, demanding more romanticized, vacuous entertainment. Congress responded to this by authorizing the Twilight Cinematic Reconstruction Stimulus Act of 2008. Only time will tell if this was a prudent move, but judging by the recent uptick in leading adolescent indicators, we can safely conclude that it was a popular one. Starring Kristen "Jailbait" Stewart, Robert "Pedo-Bear" Pattinson, and a lot of vampires. Yes, real vampires. We're serious. (We're not.)
Plot summary: (This is going to be short, what with not much plot to speak of.) Precocious Phoenix teenager Bella Swan (Stewart) is essentially abandoned by her mother and minor league baseball playing stepfather, and is promptly shipped off to the middle of nowhere (Forks, Washington) to live with her estranged father. Per teenage norm, Bella mopes around, but soon catches the eye of nearly every guy in school, despite having no discernible personality. None of these mere mortals interest her, however, at least not as much as a pallid, stone-faced vampire named Edward, who, being about 108 years old, is a bit old for her. They embark on an illogical and wholly unconvincing romantic journey, which after much breathless panting and lustful staring, finally comes to fruition, at which point these two supposedly find true love while evading dangerous carnivorous. We the audience rediscover how truly stupid it was to be a teenager.
Key moments of interest:
Bella learns that her mother and stepfather are leaving on a whirlwind tour of the U.S. to fulfill his practical minor league baseball aspirations.
Somehow this is more important than maintaining a stable home for their daughter.
Bella is summarily shipped off to Forks, Washington, and is surprisingly not issued a flannel shirt and "Git 'Er Done" hat upon entry.
We meet Bella's emotionally stunted father and his wacky cast of friends, including a kind old Indian and his son, Jacob (making up the final corner of a love triangle you could see from space).
Bella's dad buys her the Christmas gift all the kids want this year: a rusty, unreliable old truck.
It's the first day of school! Oh boy!
We're introduced to her stereotypical gang of friends, including the slightly nerdy but ultimately cool guy, the smart Asian girl, the possibly gay drama guy, and the bubble headed but lovable girl.
Cue lunchtime. Bella's new friends fill her in on the group of strangely pale (and adult-looking) group of mildly incestuous students sitting at a table near the back of the cafeteria.
Did Salman Rushdie write the screenplay for this movie?
One of them is DREAMY! Bella is instantly transfixed by his voluminous hair and alabaster skin.
Next in her exciting schedule is biology class, and the only seat available is the one next to Dreamy Edward from moments before.
In order to arrive at their table, she must brave the windy torrent of a conveniently placed fan in slo-mo.
(At this point during the movie, Crabs began dry-heaving. Luckily he had not eaten anything that day, and Ang's carpet was preserved.)
Dreamy Edward freaks out for no obvious reason, and is later heard requesting a different science class.
Bella, despite having spoken exactly two words to him, is devastated and commences moping yet again.
Later that day, Bella is nearly creamed by a truck, but Dreamy Edward stops it. WITH HIS BARE HANDS. There's something...different about him. (Besides being dreamy.) He does not want to discuss this supernatural occurrence, however, and rebuffs her.
Bella and friends take a trip to the beach (an obvious destination in Forks, Washington), and lo and behold, Jacob (who you'll remember as the third in our triangle) is there. He tells Bella that the Cullens (Dreamy Edward's family) are not allowed on his reservation (gee this foreshadowing is subtle...).
In a delightfully banal scene of adolescent activity, Bella and her mortal friends go prom dress shopping. Because she is totally helpless, Dreamy Edward must save her from a gang of would-be rapists.
He just can't stay away from her, or something equally gag-worthy.
Dreamy Edward and Bella take an ill-advised walk through the woods.
"Do you know what I am?"
Bella does, because vampire is of course the most logical conclusion.
Dreamy Edward puts Bella on his back and sprints to the top of a tree for no obvious reason.
Ah, every girl's dream...to be held captive by a vampire in a tree.
Even dreamy vampires have families...Dreamy Edward invites Bella for dinner, and she meets the whole bloodthirsty clan.
Clumsy Bella cuts herself, and her thoughtful hosts restrain themselves from murdering her on the spot.
This star-crossed duo is now the talk of the town...cue slo-mo scene of pointless walking.
(It's worth mentioning at this point that some folks in Forks have been dying mysteriously, supposedly the victims of some sort of cougar. Crabs wonders at this point if Demi Moore is on the loose. Oh, snap!)
Apparently vampires have typically American interests like baseball, so Bella joins them for a game in a thunderstorm.
All the vamps would give Babe Ruth a run for his money.
But wait...there are intruders! Seems our "cougar" is actually a trio of scofflaw vampires. They do not share the Cullens' disdain for murder, and one of them wants Bella for an appetizer. Seems she can't mask her tasty human smell.
Dreamy Edward unilaterally decides that Bella has to leave town, and they embark on a breakneck quest to get her things and throw her father off the trail.
Bella flies to Phoenix in a futile attempt to throw the (hot) vampire off of her trail, and at some point falls victim to a lame trick to convince her that said vampire has her mother.
She escapes from Dreamy Edward's clutches and heads off to save her mother...from a vampire with superhuman speed and agility. Yeah, she won't need any help at all.
James (the hungry vampire) is waiting for her at her old ballet school, and commences biting her (which is quite painful due to the vampire poison spreading through her system).
But Dreamy Edward, surprising no one, shows up suddenly to save her from her own stupidity.
And then all the Cullens are there. (Bwuh?)
Dreamy Edward is able to restrain himself as he sucks the poison from her arm (but he really, really wants to kill her), and Bella is saved.
Bella and Dreamy Edward goes to the prom. She wants to be a vampire. He says no. How romantic. (Swoon.)
The end (mercifully).
Snarky movie discussion:
Crabs: A lot has been made of the not so subtle sexual subtext of this film and considering the large age gap between the main characters (90 years or so was it?) and the fact that Bella is supposed to be 16 some viewers find this disturbing. With this in mind do you see the rampant popularity of Twilight as a manifestation of the larger liberal agenda of legalizing pedophilia?
Ang: An interesting question. I think it's important to note first that Bella and Edward do not actually have sex, but in fact engage in nothing more than kissing. This to me represents a rather conservative point of view -- that if you absolutely must fall in love with a sparkly vampire more than 100 years older than you, you must save matrimony for the marriage bed. However, we do see some liberalism injected into these sexually-charged scenes, since the two constantly find themselves alone, and with a bed nearby no less. The conservative agenda always wins out, thankfully, and they remain chaste.
Crabs: The movie disregards a longstanding vampire archetype when it is revealed that Edward does not perish in the sunlight but instead sparkles like a diamond. Is this alteration of vampire lore supposed to insinuate that Edward possesses an inner beauty that is hidden to most? If so what does this say about the persecution that vampires have historically endured? Is a vampire rights movement looming on the horizon?
Ang: Thank you for resisting the understandable urge to label this subversion of vampire mythology as "lame." As you insinuate, Edward's sparkling skin is actually indicative of a much more complex ideology. I believe that Edward (who, as some critics have noted, sparkles like he's been doused in glitter glue) represents the inner beauty that is inside of us all, but is in fact hidden when we are shrouded in darkness. Only by casting off the bonds of conformity (in this case, by drinking blood) can we locate our true selves. As to your question about vampire persecution, you know that I am a noted activist for Vampire-Americans, and have been for 50 years. It is my hope that the Twilight saga will shed light, so to speak, on the struggles vampires have historically faced, and remind us all that vampires are people, too. (Or used to be.)
Crabs: Our star-crossed lovers reside in the gloomy town of Forks, a depressed former logging boomtown. Do you believe Twilight was intended as a larger commentary of the challenges of finding love amid economic collapse and pervasive social ennui? Is this Romeo and Juliet for the Great Recession?
Ang: Some have speculated that Forks was chosen as a location for the Twilight saga because the lack of sunlight is a perfect cover for the Cullens, who would certainly stand out in, say, Florida. However, as you have indicated, there is a larger subtext at work here. In fact, few movies represent the horrors of our current recession as well as this one. Bella's father, for instance, is a cop with little money, while the Cullens are well off for no obvious reason. Charlie does not object to his daughter's romance, despite the fact that Edward is richer than he, indicating that he believes himself unable to rise out of his current economic circumstances. I believe Twilight presents a commentary on inter-racial and inter-religious dating, indicating both the perils and satisfaction present in pursuing a romance with one fundamentally different from one's self.
As a special treat for our faithful readers, Ang and Crabs would like to offer the first verse of their soon-to-be released song about Twilight, "Sparkle the Sparkly Vampire," sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon."
Ahem...
Sparkle the sparkly vampire
sparkles in the sun.
Hangin' 'round the schoolyard
tryin' to get him some.
Please feel free to post comments regarding potential subsequent verses.
For next time: Ang and Crabs are proud to present a new guest blogger, to be introduced later. The three will be tackling the classic Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space. (Pray for us.)
Rating: five glitter sticks in the eye.
Plot summary: (This is going to be short, what with not much plot to speak of.) Precocious Phoenix teenager Bella Swan (Stewart) is essentially abandoned by her mother and minor league baseball playing stepfather, and is promptly shipped off to the middle of nowhere (Forks, Washington) to live with her estranged father. Per teenage norm, Bella mopes around, but soon catches the eye of nearly every guy in school, despite having no discernible personality. None of these mere mortals interest her, however, at least not as much as a pallid, stone-faced vampire named Edward, who, being about 108 years old, is a bit old for her. They embark on an illogical and wholly unconvincing romantic journey, which after much breathless panting and lustful staring, finally comes to fruition, at which point these two supposedly find true love while evading dangerous carnivorous. We the audience rediscover how truly stupid it was to be a teenager.
Key moments of interest:
Bella learns that her mother and stepfather are leaving on a whirlwind tour of the U.S. to fulfill his practical minor league baseball aspirations.
Somehow this is more important than maintaining a stable home for their daughter.
Bella is summarily shipped off to Forks, Washington, and is surprisingly not issued a flannel shirt and "Git 'Er Done" hat upon entry.
We meet Bella's emotionally stunted father and his wacky cast of friends, including a kind old Indian and his son, Jacob (making up the final corner of a love triangle you could see from space).
Bella's dad buys her the Christmas gift all the kids want this year: a rusty, unreliable old truck.
It's the first day of school! Oh boy!
We're introduced to her stereotypical gang of friends, including the slightly nerdy but ultimately cool guy, the smart Asian girl, the possibly gay drama guy, and the bubble headed but lovable girl.
Cue lunchtime. Bella's new friends fill her in on the group of strangely pale (and adult-looking) group of mildly incestuous students sitting at a table near the back of the cafeteria.
Did Salman Rushdie write the screenplay for this movie?
One of them is DREAMY! Bella is instantly transfixed by his voluminous hair and alabaster skin.
Next in her exciting schedule is biology class, and the only seat available is the one next to Dreamy Edward from moments before.
In order to arrive at their table, she must brave the windy torrent of a conveniently placed fan in slo-mo.
(At this point during the movie, Crabs began dry-heaving. Luckily he had not eaten anything that day, and Ang's carpet was preserved.)
Dreamy Edward freaks out for no obvious reason, and is later heard requesting a different science class.
Bella, despite having spoken exactly two words to him, is devastated and commences moping yet again.
Later that day, Bella is nearly creamed by a truck, but Dreamy Edward stops it. WITH HIS BARE HANDS. There's something...different about him. (Besides being dreamy.) He does not want to discuss this supernatural occurrence, however, and rebuffs her.
Bella and friends take a trip to the beach (an obvious destination in Forks, Washington), and lo and behold, Jacob (who you'll remember as the third in our triangle) is there. He tells Bella that the Cullens (Dreamy Edward's family) are not allowed on his reservation (gee this foreshadowing is subtle...).
In a delightfully banal scene of adolescent activity, Bella and her mortal friends go prom dress shopping. Because she is totally helpless, Dreamy Edward must save her from a gang of would-be rapists.
He just can't stay away from her, or something equally gag-worthy.
Dreamy Edward and Bella take an ill-advised walk through the woods.
"Do you know what I am?"
Bella does, because vampire is of course the most logical conclusion.
Dreamy Edward puts Bella on his back and sprints to the top of a tree for no obvious reason.
Ah, every girl's dream...to be held captive by a vampire in a tree.
Even dreamy vampires have families...Dreamy Edward invites Bella for dinner, and she meets the whole bloodthirsty clan.
Clumsy Bella cuts herself, and her thoughtful hosts restrain themselves from murdering her on the spot.
This star-crossed duo is now the talk of the town...cue slo-mo scene of pointless walking.
(It's worth mentioning at this point that some folks in Forks have been dying mysteriously, supposedly the victims of some sort of cougar. Crabs wonders at this point if Demi Moore is on the loose. Oh, snap!)
Apparently vampires have typically American interests like baseball, so Bella joins them for a game in a thunderstorm.
All the vamps would give Babe Ruth a run for his money.
But wait...there are intruders! Seems our "cougar" is actually a trio of scofflaw vampires. They do not share the Cullens' disdain for murder, and one of them wants Bella for an appetizer. Seems she can't mask her tasty human smell.
Dreamy Edward unilaterally decides that Bella has to leave town, and they embark on a breakneck quest to get her things and throw her father off the trail.
Bella flies to Phoenix in a futile attempt to throw the (hot) vampire off of her trail, and at some point falls victim to a lame trick to convince her that said vampire has her mother.
She escapes from Dreamy Edward's clutches and heads off to save her mother...from a vampire with superhuman speed and agility. Yeah, she won't need any help at all.
James (the hungry vampire) is waiting for her at her old ballet school, and commences biting her (which is quite painful due to the vampire poison spreading through her system).
But Dreamy Edward, surprising no one, shows up suddenly to save her from her own stupidity.
And then all the Cullens are there. (Bwuh?)
Dreamy Edward is able to restrain himself as he sucks the poison from her arm (but he really, really wants to kill her), and Bella is saved.
Bella and Dreamy Edward goes to the prom. She wants to be a vampire. He says no. How romantic. (Swoon.)
The end (mercifully).
Snarky movie discussion:
Crabs: A lot has been made of the not so subtle sexual subtext of this film and considering the large age gap between the main characters (90 years or so was it?) and the fact that Bella is supposed to be 16 some viewers find this disturbing. With this in mind do you see the rampant popularity of Twilight as a manifestation of the larger liberal agenda of legalizing pedophilia?
Ang: An interesting question. I think it's important to note first that Bella and Edward do not actually have sex, but in fact engage in nothing more than kissing. This to me represents a rather conservative point of view -- that if you absolutely must fall in love with a sparkly vampire more than 100 years older than you, you must save matrimony for the marriage bed. However, we do see some liberalism injected into these sexually-charged scenes, since the two constantly find themselves alone, and with a bed nearby no less. The conservative agenda always wins out, thankfully, and they remain chaste.
Crabs: The movie disregards a longstanding vampire archetype when it is revealed that Edward does not perish in the sunlight but instead sparkles like a diamond. Is this alteration of vampire lore supposed to insinuate that Edward possesses an inner beauty that is hidden to most? If so what does this say about the persecution that vampires have historically endured? Is a vampire rights movement looming on the horizon?
Ang: Thank you for resisting the understandable urge to label this subversion of vampire mythology as "lame." As you insinuate, Edward's sparkling skin is actually indicative of a much more complex ideology. I believe that Edward (who, as some critics have noted, sparkles like he's been doused in glitter glue) represents the inner beauty that is inside of us all, but is in fact hidden when we are shrouded in darkness. Only by casting off the bonds of conformity (in this case, by drinking blood) can we locate our true selves. As to your question about vampire persecution, you know that I am a noted activist for Vampire-Americans, and have been for 50 years. It is my hope that the Twilight saga will shed light, so to speak, on the struggles vampires have historically faced, and remind us all that vampires are people, too. (Or used to be.)
Crabs: Our star-crossed lovers reside in the gloomy town of Forks, a depressed former logging boomtown. Do you believe Twilight was intended as a larger commentary of the challenges of finding love amid economic collapse and pervasive social ennui? Is this Romeo and Juliet for the Great Recession?
Ang: Some have speculated that Forks was chosen as a location for the Twilight saga because the lack of sunlight is a perfect cover for the Cullens, who would certainly stand out in, say, Florida. However, as you have indicated, there is a larger subtext at work here. In fact, few movies represent the horrors of our current recession as well as this one. Bella's father, for instance, is a cop with little money, while the Cullens are well off for no obvious reason. Charlie does not object to his daughter's romance, despite the fact that Edward is richer than he, indicating that he believes himself unable to rise out of his current economic circumstances. I believe Twilight presents a commentary on inter-racial and inter-religious dating, indicating both the perils and satisfaction present in pursuing a romance with one fundamentally different from one's self.
As a special treat for our faithful readers, Ang and Crabs would like to offer the first verse of their soon-to-be released song about Twilight, "Sparkle the Sparkly Vampire," sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon."
Ahem...
Sparkle the sparkly vampire
sparkles in the sun.
Hangin' 'round the schoolyard
tryin' to get him some.
Please feel free to post comments regarding potential subsequent verses.
For next time: Ang and Crabs are proud to present a new guest blogger, to be introduced later. The three will be tackling the classic Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space. (Pray for us.)
Rating: five glitter sticks in the eye.
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